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Hi all, I'm not trying to be a wiseguy, just genuinely wondering as I am new to Al Anon. Is the idea that I'm supposed to not care if my wife has been drinking? Meaning should I not be trying to find out if she has? She just got back from grocery shopping, and she was in somewhat of a foul mood when she left...but when she got back, she is suddenly happy and cheering and singing. My first instinct is to search her purse as soon as I am able to, but from what I've read here it seems that I shouldn't be preoccupied with that. Is that right? What about if she is trying to drive somewhere else later today (not that she has indicated that she would, but just in case)?
As I've mentioned earlier we have 2 small children so obviously if she is caring for them then I need to be on the lookout. But today I will be home all day so I don't need to worry about that...
Hi there, Welcome to MIP. You're in the right place.
It's not that you're not supposed to care if she's drinking. However, there is just nothing you can do about it if she has been. There is really no point in asking her for two reasons: 1) you already know the answer, and 2)she's going to lie anyway.
My husband is an alcoholic, sober for a few weeks. So, I've been exactly where you are now. All that ever happened when I asked my AH if he was drinking and he lied to me, when I looked for bottles and found them, when I did anything to confirm he has been drinking when I already knew that he had been, all that happened is that I became infuriated and angry, and I pretty much drove myself nuts. If she's going to drink, she's going to drink. Nothing you do will prevent it. In Al-Anon, you learn the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Please get to a face to face meeting if you can. Take care of yourself and your children.
One of the characteristics of the enabler is that we are "caring" people and caring is one of the basic characteristics of human beings. When I got to Al-Anon it was how I cared that drove me into insanity and one of the hows was keeping tabs on my alcoholic wife which included spying, stalking, checking for bottles and or anything alcohol, traveling great distances to try to discover if she was or not, traveling from bar parking lot to bar parking lot to see if I could find her car in any one of them, going by locations where she said she was at an AA meeting or more. There is just too much to do and fail at with that kind of caring and I never felt loving while I did it...in fact it wasn't loving at all.
I am supposed to care...be a caring person and include myself within the group of people I care for. To that extent I need more power to be able to do all of that and I have learned in Al-Anon to turn the majority of my extra cirricular caring over to that Higher Power...a God of my understanding and then to just practice love of others or..."the complete and total acceptance of them for exactly who they are." My children and step children were not alcoholic so caring for them was different than caring for the alcoholic...they were easier to care for. The alcoholic and the disease owned all of my focus and attention as I was willing to let it do which was all of the time until I was done and turned it over.
By the way one of my discoveries was that my alcoholic wife use to put alcohol in empty perfume bottles and carry those in her purse...sneeeeeeaky and then it worked because she would smell just like it after she would go to the ladies room to "freshen up". There is just no end to the cunning powerful and baffling until you stop yourself. I'm not suggesting to go check her empty perfume bottles, that was just from my own experience. (((((hugs)))))
I don't think it's that we're not supposed to care if someone is drinking. In my opinion, the point is that we accept the other person whether they are drinking or not drinking - without trying to change them. If an alcoholic is really ready to get sober, he or she will go to any length to get sober. Until then, my sneaking around to find proof that someone else is drinking has not changed the fact that that person is drinking. The only thing that has happened as the result of my sneaking around digging for evidence is that I have wasted a bunch of time - time that would have been better spent doing something nice for myself. In my experience, hunting for proof makes me feel physically anxious - sick to my stomach, even. If I find something, I feel even sicker to my stomach. If I find nothing, my mind starts telling me that i haven't looked hard enough. The more I search, the more I want to search - and the worse I feel. So the point is not that I don't care - it's just that I don't give up my life searching and trying to find bottles, etc. If someone else is drinking, it will not take long to become apparent, even if I do not search.
I had to start asking myself - if I find something, then what? Would I confront the A? I know that confronting is pointless because I've spent a large amount of time doing it - with zero results. Part of my own insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results.
You have received some great responses I just wanted to add that we in al anon are HUMAN We cannot tell ourselves or our members that they cannot care if any alcoholic is drinking
What we try to do is understand that of coarse you will care and urge you to "Focus on Your Feelings" and use some al anon tools to diffuse your concern, anger and fear.
Take the focus off the alcoholic and" is she or isn't she" (because you are powerless over that) and focus on letting go of negative attitudes and replace them with positive actions for yourself and your children.
Of course you care ,she is your wife but what we need to understand is that we cannot stop them from drinking . trust your instints if u suspect she is drinking act accordingly,which for me is to not argue , or ask questions that we already know the answer to. protect your children if you suspect, dont allow them in the car with her be honest and tell her why. Keep going to meetings take care of you . Louise
boy I identify with so much here. Sounds like my wife (except she doesn't drink all that much or that often...she just ACTS like an alcoholic. Keep working on yourself, you can't cure here...just take good care of the kids.
Thanks everyone, this is all so helpful. But I'm still so confused. I guess what I wonder at this point is, if I'm uncertain if she has been drinking, should I ask her? Or should I just let it go? Pretend it isn't happening? Or push to get a definitive yes or no?
I have to say I handled tonight differently than I would have in the past. I didn't confront, I didn't push it, I didn't ask her where she had been (well I did, but she didn't answer and then walked away and I let it go). And it felt so much different than it usually would have. And it didn't lead to any fighting. At one point, she said to me--"you don't even need me"; she was talking about helping with the kids but she meant it on a much bigger scale. And I just didn't respond or acknowledge. So that helped.
Anyway, thanks all and I'd really appreciate any additional guidance you can offer.
In my experience of you feel the need to ask your wife if she has been drinking than either you have a gut feeling or are seeing her actions with your own eyes so yep she has likely been drinking. My son is an addict and I can't count first of all, all the lies i believe because I needed to believe them and second how many arguments ensued when i would ask if he had gotten high. I would seriously bager him until he told the truth. But to what end? I already knew the answer why did I need him to validate what i was feeling and seeing right before my eyes. I finally learned actions speak louder than words, I learn that as my son is an addict and addicts/alcoholics lie that I could only expect him to act as the person he had become an addict. And learned that anytime he spoke to me be it high or sober he was going to lie, this is how the disease protects itself. So go with your instincts and what you are seeing not what your wife is telling you. It will be a lot more peaceful. I also know that my son HAS to believe his lies because if he is truthful then he has to admit he has a problem. This is the most cunning and baffling disease. And the sooner you start your own recovery the more managable your life and the lives of your children will be Blessings
