The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know we are not suppose to be talking about outside help but I don`t have anywhere to bring this and would like to get others opinions please. Since starting Alanon these past few months I decided I could see that my background really is playing a big part in my life. I have 2 adult children that both have the disease. I have many times apologized to them that Iam sorry that I did not raise them better but I just did not have the knowledge within me at that time. I try very hard not to beat myself up about this. I`am trying to better myself now so that hopefully I can be a healthier person for myself and for my grandaughter. This is my BIG focus in life now, because I worry about her very much. Over the years I had devoloped a particular type of anxiety disorder that for me was dibilitating years ago. Seeing therapists made it worse. Too long a story to get into but anyway I eventually got control over it on my own. . I wasn`t unable to go to Alanon or do anything that had me analzye life (during the anxiety disorder) before but I`am ready to tackle things now. I decided I want to get healthy for me and my grandaughter as I mentioned. I have not heard anyone at any f2f meetings that are grandparents of children that have the disease and not in recovery. That is what I would idealy like to hear from someone I might consider for sponsorship. I also feel its so darn hard to ask someone. My head is always telling me, I`d be bothering someone to be calling them. So I figured I`d see a professional. So far I have been terribly disappointed. I have found liars for therapists or ones that are particial towards my daughter for family therapy. Now as I try individual therapy I find myself confiding in this new person and I start out with high hopes and I left yesterday feeling worse about myself than ever. I asked her not to talk specifically about parts of the anxiety disorder. Well, she would not listen to me and kept pushing me and pushing me .... Then sent me home with a book on anxiety to read. I wasn`t going in there for anxiety. Then I was talking to her about how both my childrens loyalty is with their father. She said that must make me feel pretty bad. I said yes it does but I realize its probably because he is sooo passive aggressive and also a HUGE ENABLER to both of them. She said its probably also because of how I mothered them also! I left there feeling awful... I feel so sad and depressed. All these therapists feel they are qualified as "drug counselors" ..Maybe they are.. I don`t think she understands me. Why do these people push their own ideas on others? I would love to find a Sponsor if just a temp Sponsor who may understand what I`am talking about. I need to trust in me and she should have been helping me not hurting me. Am I just too damn sensitive? Is it me?But don`t I deserve to know what is good for me and if I say I really don`t want to talk too much about that stuff shouldn`t someone respect my opinion and not push ? Sorry for the length of this. I didn`t know how else to express this...
I am new to this program. I would like to say though that in my opinion, Al Anon is the best place to go because here you will find people who have been in your shoes. Not exact circumstances, but for me, almost the same feelings, behaviors etc. Al Anon is providing me a way to deal with the active A in my life. I have always gone to the dr for depression, anxiety, and to therapists and they have really never touched the center of what was really wrong with me. The steps, the meetings, the material, posting on this site, having a sponsor, have really shown me that its okay to take care of me. I have been shown that it is ok to detach in a loving way and that I don't have to be a prisoner to someone else's active addiction/alchoholism any more, ever again. I have a choice. Therapists who have not been in your shoes may not understand as well. Again this is just my esh. Hope you find a sponsor soon. I'm sure you will!
I can totally relate to your situation except for the fact I don't have any grandchildren. I do have a son who is an addict. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and agorophobia to the point i was so depressed, so filled with anxiety that I didn't leave my home for over a year. In my head due to a series of events that had nothing to do with my son I reverted back to my severly abusive, dysfucntional background. Won't bore you with the details. I took pretty much every anti depressant out there at the time, didn't do a thing for me except make me feel even less feelings than I had before. I just didn't even care about anything. Sure saw a few therapists ( one that also had me read a book on anxiety ) that didn't do a thing for me. The one that ordered me to read this book ( which i checked out of the library) I wanted to tell him that at the time i was so crazed I didn't have the attention span of a nat much less sit down and read a book. Ridiclous. I am all about therapy don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful theripst for my eating disorder 25 years ago who was absolutly amazing. Unfortunatly not all therapists are the same. The only thing that helped me was Alanon. While initally I came to alanon to "help" my son when I started working the steps and doing the footwork I got better. The harder I worked the better I got. I was among people who may be in different situations but had expereined many of the same things I had. And while I couldn't fix my son I finally saw light at the end of the tunnel that maybe I wasn't a hopeless case, far from it. I opened up more and more and I grew to trust these people who carried me when i could move forward on my own. Being part of the alanon family has been the greatest gift I have given myself and those around me. I slowly started to change ( for the better ) my husband who while he is disabled did his best to try an hold everything together on his own while i was completly lost. he now has his wife back and I can see the relief in his eyes everyday that I grow stronger. I mean that is just how lost i was and how far I have come in 2 years. I still consider myself a newbie. maybe I always will as there is always something to learn. I haven't nearly enough ESH ( experience, strenght & hope), nor have I completed all 12 steps so I can't in good consious be a sponser. However, If you ever want to share privately with me please feel free to PM me. I usually check this site once a day. So feel free to write to me, but again know I don't hold nearly the experience of many others on this site and I will be honest with you if you PM me with something i may not be able to help with. I will be honest enough to say "I don't know" I know what a tough time you have been having lately and I can relate Blessings in recovery
