The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few days ago I broke down and shared with him, through a letter, in a very loving way, that his behavior while drinking was really starting to hurt me.... not only during the episodes, but I was completely anxious and fearful of the next episodes I knew were coming. He pretty much tossed it aside, did not speak of it, but for the last couple of days has been giving me the on and off silent treatment. Like he'll be acting ok for a couple minutes, then suddenly remember he wants to be mad and start being a grump again. Now this morning, he saw that I have been reading Al-Anon materials and he was really mad.... he said he was "disgusted." He said I'm the one with communication problems (this is true, but it is NOT just me, he shuts me out or gets mad when I try, so of course I am reluctant to communicate.) Anyway, now he's telling me HE doesn't know if HE wants to be with ME. I don't know what to do or think.... trying not to let this ruin my Saturday cause I have a lot to do..... just need some support and wisdom if you have any!! Thanks, everyone (((hugs)))
Once my A told me that Al Anon was an A's greatest nightmare.
We don't know what is going on in their heads, actually if they are using they don't either.
Hon I don't know if you need work on communication or not. But I can tell you an active A does not have any usually. So do not blame yourself. Remember it does not matter what he says. He is sick.
I likened it to a person with brain damage trying to talk.
It is his disease talking not him.
I hope by you being in Al Anon you will learn to say inside I am ok just how I am, build you up. Don't allow him to put you down. Learn to react by detaching, it is NOT my problem.
He is afraid. He knows he is sick and he knows he is miserable. Better to blame you not him.
He is wanting you to beg him to stay. They usually have no confidence. He cannot face it is his problem not you. So he blames you, he will leave as it is YOUR fault not him.
It is part of the disease. Have you gotten Tom aka Canadian Guys book he offers? I LOVE that book still. It would help you.
YOur A knows that Al Anon is going to educate you, help you to see the truth about addiction and how to react or not react to it. They don't like it. Plus they don't like others to know about them. Even if they are strangers on line!
They are so unpredictable yet predictable. paradox.
This is what makes me always share I put everything that was left in my name, socked money away, got my vehicles in my name. Shared nothing with him. I had to protect me from the disease.
IN the long run I lost everything but my house. I am still fighting for that! I have never been able to buy a decent car again. I was given the one I have. Its a nice car but kills me to get in and out of it.
I have a 32 year old pickup. Had to pay HIM to get it back.
Anyway keep coming. I hope "mad" does not mean abusive. He is mentally abusing you now.
I got into a womens group about abuse to educate myself, what an eye opener!
I hope you will take care of you and learn to ignore the NONSENSE he is telling you.
You are a beautiful, intelligent, mature woman, it is up to you to protect her!
Do you have the book Getting them Sober (offered at the top of this page). I know the author has some great suggestions for this dilemma. I know I have had abandonment issues and I was like a walking button saying push me. I can still be there but I am less prone to the abandonment issue. The joy of al anon is we get to work through those issues. I am so grateful for that opportunity
I am so glad you feel safe enough to come here and share.
I love posts which reminde me from where I came when I got here and what I had to learn in order to remain in my own skin while recovery was happening. Yes the alcoholic has their own feelings and perceptions and reaction just like me. I had to learn that without affirming her...telling her she was right and maybe more right than me. Actually we own what we own and the outcome depends on what I have come to understand. My alcoholic was just like me with the exception of age and gender. Usually we reacted very similarly for the same reasons; feelings hurt or not...angry or not. I had to own my stuff and allow her to own hers without judgement, discounting or wanting to control how she was handling things. She was allowed to blame me while she wasn't investigating "her part in it" however the blame wasn't accepted and owned by me when she was trying to deny and depart our situation.
What worked for me is what I was taught and which worked best for the majority of the fellowship I belong to. Leave her be and don't react or take any part in "her problem". That is often called detachment and at the same time controlling and managing my life because I am responsible.
It is great that you are seeing the picture more clearly, with a greater understanding. Isn't that a tool and blessing? Yay!!
Keep coming back and sharing your progress. (((((hugs)))))
Sounds very familiar. My first alcoholic husband had a habit of ridiculing me about whatever I was doing for me. For example: when I was in college studying my material, he used to tease me about studying my "materrriaaals" he'd draw the word out and roll it over the tongue. I guess he thought that was "cute". At the time I didn't have Al-anon, so my reaction was to just get upset and quit studying. Now I know it would have been better for me to have just gone on studying and just ignored his comments.
More recently I was married to a dry drunk. (Someone who has quit drinking, but still exhibits the behavior and controlling nature of an alcoholic. Someone who is not in a recovery program.) He became very controlling and would not allow me to attend my al-anon meetings. It was very abusive-type behavior as he would physically hold on to me and not allow me to leave the house. It took me several years of therapy and anti-depressent drugs to relieve myself of this situation. I'm sure that if I had been attending al-anon regularly and working my program prior to marrying him, (I had taken about a year break from al-anon after the divorce from the previous husband.) I would have made a wiser decison.
In the end, I learned to take care of myself first. What this looked like "for me" was divorcing the abusive AH and evenually having to file an Order of Protection against him. I'm not suggesting that you take such drastic action, only saying what I had to do "for me" in a very abusive alcoholic relationship.
Sounds like you have made a good start standing up for you and going ahead with your plans for the day. I've always heard in al-anon that if the alcoholic isn't available to follow through, we go ahead and do whatever we were planning to do originally. We can have a Plan B. For example: If we are planning on going to a movie or special dinner with our A loved one and they start drinking or otherwise become unable to go then we can have a friend or relative lined up "in the wings" to go with us if we are not willing to go by ourselves. This is "taking care of us". We don't have to allow the A to change our plans or ruin our day.
I don't know if this helps any or not, but it is my experience, strength and hope. Take care of you, go to as many f2f al-anon meetings that you can, continue to post here and visit us in the chat room. It's a great room and everyone there is so friendly and supportive.
In my experience, As are extremely resistant to change - and if they are not working a program, they are not fans of Alanon. They are also very able to take a situation to turn it around so we look crazy. For me, when I was not working a program and my A was drinking, it was not that hard for him to start calling me crazy and then have me go off the deep end and prove him right. This happened soooo many times - and after I acted like a lunatic, he'd tell me that this (the way I was acting) was exactly why he couldn't be with me. Ugh. And then the next day he'd act like nothing happened.
I had to learn to just go about my business and quit worrying about what my A thought and what he was going to do. In my experience, just like all the times he told me he was going to get sober "tomorrow," all the threats of leaving because I was a lunatic were also just garbage coming out of his mouth caused by the disease. I learned to just consider it such from the time it came out of his mouth, rather than waste my days analyzing whether he was serious, what I should do, what he might think, etc.
My sponsor says that what other people think, even what they think of me, is none of my business. When she tells me this, it just reminds me to get back on my side of the street and get back into MY recovery.
He's angry because your addressing the problem andhe isn't ..ignore it . your not helping him keep the secret anymore . keep going keep reading . this is for you its not about him.
My A is my son ( although i have multipule a's in my life that have found recovery) Anyway my son couldn't have cared less when I joined alanon. But I have seen throgh others who's spouses were against it that they feel that Alano meetings are all about A bashing. Which blows my mind as every person in Alanon loves an A wether it's thier spouse, parent, partner, child etc. Bottom line is we are there because we love them not to bash them. They are sick even when they are sober they are still thinking with a sick mind that is sometimes very paranoid. But as I said in the beginning my son couldn't have cared less what I was doing until.........my behaviors started to change, boundaries started to be set, he wasn't the center of my universe anymore. I was doing what was healthy for me and that included and change in the way I interracted with him. Then he hated any mention of a 12 step group. He has been on a jail rehab unit for 10 months right now. He had a choice of his rehab being 12 step based or a type of behavior modification rehab. He made sure to pick the behavior modification rehab. I've no control over his choice but he was angry and resentful so thought he could somehow get back at me by choosing a different type of rehab. I can only do what's best for me and I will be here as long as I live as this program has worked in all aspects of my life and i've no intention of going back to where I was before I hit the doors of alanon. So for you the cats out of the bag, you no longer have to keep it a secret. In my opinion that alone is a victory. your husband knows he's sick he just can't admit it now, but if you were anything like me I was just as if not sicker than my son when I finally found alanon. This program is for you! For you to learn new and healthy behaviors and coping skills Please don't let his response deter you from your own recovery Blessings in recovery
