The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 18 year old D who decided she wanted to try to make it on her own is now driving
and uninsured and unregistered car. I feel a little bad about it because I had her me
today and give me the plate so I can register it to her younger brothers car.
She has paid me a total of $175 for insurance for the last year and a half that she has
been driving and I also paid for the gas for the car all last year. She has paid for her
own gas since August. I honestly don't think she realizes how much we have done
for her in the past. She used to just complain about who some friend of hers was
getting more and we weren't being fair. I wish I would of quit enabling her last fall
but I suppose it is never too late to begin.
So, now she needs to get her own insurance and plate. I am sure she will be able
do it, she is working part time and going to school. She is also paying for her
own schooling. You know I would love to help her out but I just think that she
will never learn or appreciate things and will continue to feel a sense of entitlement
until she finds out what it is truly like to make it on your own.
I honestly don't care for her boyfriend he also likes to drink (alot) and has an
attitude toward my husband and myself so we don't even speak with or associate
with him. I feel as long as she continues to live with him in his parents basement
I am not going to financially support her. If she were to live in a dorm or
somewhere else I would consider it.
I felt bad when I saw her I really wasn't very friendly, just polite and she didnt
look very good her hair was dirty and her clothes wrinkled. She had been to school for a few hours and was on her way back.
She doesn't seem to be taking very good care of herself. I kept my mouth shut and didn't make any comments about him or her or anything, just told her I needed the plate.
Really wish I knew when she (hopefully she will) is going to get it. It is so hard to watch your child make choices that are not healthy and put them in financial difficulty.
I am so glad to have found this forum where I can vent and receive ESH. I think I acted much better today with her. I was detached but I know I could have done it with more love. I just know that when I let my guard down with her she takes advantage of me.
Ginger, Speaking as a child whose actions caused my mom many a late night of worrying, she will get it when she gets it. The best thing you can do for her is to take care of you.
I read such strength in your post. Remember progress not perfection. If you feel you could have been more loving, could you have been? I don't know...only you know that.
I just know for me, anytime I can keep my mouth shut and not say what I would just love to say, I am so proud.
Keep coming back. Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I'm really glad you are here. I have 7 children, one of those was a grandaughter I raised since 20 mo old. I have been exactly where you are several times. I can tell you from my heart that if I had not found and practiced Al-Anon, I don't believe I would still be here today! It was that bad!!
Detachment with love is a really hard concept to wrap my head around but I am getting there. It has helped me so much!!!!
Sounds like you actually did a good job with your daughter. We give and we give till we have nothing left to give.
I sincerely hope you will keep coming back and also try to find some local f2f (face to face) meeting in your area. The support we receive is all important!! Venting here is allowed and even encouraged ...reading the other posts also is a tremendous help.
May I share that is it ok to show them love? ex: I am glad you are doing ok on your own. I am proud of you. I knew you could do it.
Things like this will make her want to keep going and try harder. Tough love is not being emotionless, it is building on what they can do and what they are trying to do.
I agree,doing the plate was not a good one. I didn't really understand what it was you did. I hope it wasn't illegal.
She is going to school, working, living in a safe place. Looks like a good start! We don't all figure it out when we first go out there.
Her choice of men, is her own. I wish my mother would not have been so negative. Becuz she was, I always felt like I had to prove her wrong. So instead of looking at certain guys like I should have, I looked only at the good!
You see by your not liking her boyfriend, it alienated them both from you. It may have gone better had you just let things be, have him around etc. We never know what we may say or do that will influence another. Now you have taken that chance away!
One thing that makes things nicer is to invite them both to dinner at your place or somewhere else. Keeping the conversation light, no arguing or teaching. Just treating them like young kids.
Maybe asking him what he is interested in. Then cont. from there.
Again tough love is not taking away from her what she can do for herself. It is not being just polite. You can ask how is school? Is it hard to work and go to school at the same time? Again be proud!
I hope this helped a little. Sounds like she is doing her best. Being untidy is ok, not going to kill her. She will figure it out. Plus young people seem to wear pj's to work and school.
Be glad they are not wearing mens boxers to school and work like they were when my girl was in college. she is embarrased about it now! lol
It is better to keep communication open, we don't always have to "mother" them. sometimes just listening with a wow or oh really or whatever your response is. they need us to show we trust them and have faith in them so they have the courage to keep going and getting better.
I was seriously wondering while reading your post if we had the same daughter lol. While raising our kids my husband and I wanted them to have everything and every opportunity that we were never given. We definitly went WAY overboard especially with our daughter as she was the one who never gave us any trouble, was always productive etc. So I guess we thought we were rewarding her for her behavior. She is now 26 we have bought her 2 cars, always paid for her insurance, always paid her gasoline bills even when she lived on her own, at 21 she got it in her head she wanted to buy a house. She had a good job and if she got a roommate would have no trouble making the mortage payments. So what did we do? We refinanced our home so she could have the down payment for a house. What she didn't tell us was besides a roommate she was moving her loser boyfriend in that treated her badly ( until my husband had a "little talk" with him) then he dumped our daughter. She was devestated, than her roommate moved out and she couldn't pay her mortage. So we put it up for sale immediatly ( luckily before the bottom dropped out of the housing market) it sold very quickly she even made a profit and she did pay us back for what we had put into it. And we continued to support most of her needs until my husband and I both became disabled and we lost everything, i mean everything except by the grace of god our home. We had our cars repo'd she had since bought her own car but that was one of the payments we made for her so she had her car repo'd too. And all she saw was "her friends" parents were still paying their way we could no longer support her. Honestly, she became a different person. What little money we might have coming in she also felt entitled to her share. Well there was no share for her and she became angry and resentful. I should say during this time she always worked and went to school but considered the money she made "hers" didn't consider all the payments we were making for her, her respondsibilty. She completly supports herself now and is angry about it. And truthfully we can't be to mad at her because we created this monster so we have to take respondsibilty for that. That's how she was raised. She is not an A. She goes to school full time and works fulltime but now that we went from being middle class family to basically a poor family because of our disabilities she wants little to do with us. Because we aren't making the money we used to she doesn't consider us "productive" people. I guess we drummed that " you need to be a productive member of society" into her. She has turned that around on us. Our relationship which once was a close as could be is now as, as strained as can be. We keep in constant touch with her wether she responds or not so she knows she is always loved and as hurtful as it is not to have the relationship we once had for her i hold on to the slogan " all things are subject to change" as she grows and learns more about "real life" her actions can certainly change. And I look forward to the day our family is whole again. Until then it is in God's hands and I continue to work on getting me better. Wishing you blessings in your recovery
