The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was looking for an Al-Anon board because I am really struggling.
I grew up with two alcoholic parents who died in a house fire related to alcohol. I won't go into detail, but there was a lot of abuse and it was very difficult. I've worked hard to create a good life. I don't drink at all (an ounce of prevention being a pound of cure). My husband of 32 years doesn't abuse any substance. My life has been fairly stable and good.
I've done years of therapy and worked hard on co-dependency issues.
The last several years have been exhausting - taking care of my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's Disease. (She has no other family and no one to help but my husband and I - and she needed help.) She is now in a memory care facility, but it left me exhausted.
My brother-in-law is now staying with us. He has abused drugs pretty continually from the age of about 6-7. He is 48 years old now. (Same thing - he has no one but my husband and I - is single with no close friends - and needs help)
He was diagnosed with stage III pancreatic cancer. He had a spiritual experience (but is NOT working a program, does NOT think he has a problem, is NOT especially open to any talk about a 12 step program). He is not using drugs now exactly - took narcotics for the first couple of months after his surgery, and now is taking a prescribed tranquilizer - so he is medicated but not exactly abusing.
I grew up with my alcoholic mom's raging self-pity, gradiosity, resentment - that cluster of characteristics that substance abusers tend to have. I am still very sensitive to it. It makes me sick to my stomach. I have a very hard time dealing with it.
Although I know my BIL is trying, and I know he has had a terrible diagnosis, he has always had enormous self-pity - believing his life is harder than just about anyone else's. And his self-pity, resentment, grandiosity - along with a good dose of dishonesty - is raging along.
My husband thinks his baby brother can do no wrong and is not open to me talking about my feelings about this. There is some painful history between them - long story. I feel terrible because I do care about his well-being, and have worked hard to cook for him, take vacation time to take him to medical appointments, help in any way I can.
But I CANNOT STAND his self-pity, his resentment, his dishonesty, his horrible attitude. This is almost making me sick. I am exhausted, I feel terrible at my feelings towards him, and being around him is really upsetting. It is hard to avoid him because it is staying with us. I created a life without substance abuse - and although I don't have substance abuse in my home - I have someone with a huge abuser attitude.
It is not like I think he is a bad person - I am just extremely, extremely sensitive to this attitude.
I needed to vent. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I'd love it.
Kate
-- Edited by Kate999 on Friday 8th of October 2010 12:46:52 PM
You're in the right place. If I had any other suggestions, it would be to get yourself to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. Being a child of alcoholics and having another addict living in your household, you more than qualify to attend meetings.
I'm pretty sensitive myself to alcoholic behavior. My mom's a recovering alcoholic, and I married (then divorced) an alcoholic and have dated plenty other addicts/alcoholics in the past. When I'm around that kind of behavior they exhibit, I certainly do start to feel uncomfortable.
The great thing about this program is it helps you to start learning how to take care of yourself - put your needs and serenity first before you're ready to step in and help someone... IF they truly do need help and IF it's not going to drain you and leave you exhausted, depressed, stressed and resentful.
I've learned there's a fine line between selflessness and self-abuse.
It takes time to learn these things, though... there's a lot of trial and error in all of this. For me, it helps when I just keep coming back to my face-to-face meetings and dropping by here and reading some of the literature. It helps to center me and put me back on track.
Wow Kate, I know your new and I want to encourage you, but your self sacrificing to the point of forgetting your own life.
I thought I was Mother Teresa, but you win the trophy. What are you doing girl? If your husband thinks his little brother can do no wrong, let him take care of him. Does your husband expect this from you? Its not your fault , you didnt cause it. You cant cure or control it. You have worked hard to keep a clean life, yet the addiction of another person seems to permeate and impede your serenity.This attitude your feeling from your BIL is an addicts personality.
You have the background of having alcoholic parents, did you ever go to alanon as a teen? Its so important for you to attend Alanon face to face meetings as soon as you can. This must be the priority in your life, not your BIL. He is a grown man, I know you can offer him shelter and food, but the responsibility of everything else should not be on your shoulders. Why is this?
Alanon will give you the tools to live your life freely and peaceful. We must not do for addicts what they can do for themselves. I encourage you to go to a meeting and gather as much of the reading material you can . Please keep coming back to our board, where other members can offer their wisdom. Wishing you all the best, Bettna
I totally agree with Aloha. I would also suggest some face-to-face meetings.
Your BIL could have been my ex, but my ex was still active. The package may have been different, but the actions are still there.
When I got into my program, worked the steps and talked with people in the program the actions of others, including my ex, did not affect me so much. I was able to focus on me and kind of let the self-pity, resentment and everything else roll off my back. It wasn't mine, so I refused to pick it up.
Today I can care for my ex, but I let his crap stay in his own yard and I keep to mine.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
To be honest, what I feel from your share is a horribly toxic situation.
There are options. He can be on ssi andor ssd. He can move into an adult facility where he could have his own room, foods cooked or he can microwave in his room.
There is no reason for anyone to sacrifice their life in this type of situation. I can tell you, people who do, who feel the pain you do, end up very sick themselves.
If I were you, I would say to him, "you know if I felt as bad as you share you do, I would go live somewhere, where I was happy."
He can go live there where they will get him to appointments. It is not fair for you to swallow all this crap. Which is what it is. It is festering in you like an infection!
I can tell you from experience, when people are dieing, which going from your share he is, they are not thinking straight. His brain is not "right."
My bil was saying all different kinds of people were after him, told tall tales, and on and on. His family just called him a liar, when in truth his liver was not filtering the toxins in his blood so his brain was damaged!
I believe the to thine own self be true. I would not have it. If I had to I would broach with husband, he needs to leave or I leave. I mean it. We all have options.
He can go to a place where it is a studio apt. or one with a separate room. All his needs would be met. But he would not be making you his person to kick around. I can tell you right now, what he is doing is mentally abusing you.
Plus sounds like husband is not supporting you or appreciating.
What would happen if you just stopped? I have had enough, this is making ME sick. Plus what do you think this is doing to your marriage?
This is all just stuff to help you think. not saying what to do. You know the situation better than anyone.
