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I've been reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I can relate so much to what she's written, and I'm sure she'd qualify as a great Al-Anon member.
I was reading a passage in her book towards the end about her hesitation to return to a relationship after her divorce, and she was writing about how she realized she never really seemed to fall in love the the man himself, but with what their potential could be. "This guy could be freaking amazing if he did _______."
And I realized that's sort of how I've approached many relationships in my past. Not really accepting the person for who they are at present, but falling in love with an idea of what they COULD be in the future.
Real thought-provoking stuff for me.
Acceptance has been a difficult pill for me to swallow.
Boy, can I relate to this one! I can remember when I was in high school (a number of years ago! ) that I used to actually revel in the idea that I loved what the person "could" be, not what he/she was. I used to listen to the Boston song "A Man I'll Never Be" and sing along and think of my pot-smoking boyfriend, who I later found out was also a drug dealer. I actually "prided" myself in this concept! Can you imagine? Prided myself in that fact! Well, needless to say it's no surprise that I went on to marry an alcoholic (not that particular boyfriend, but another) and found out that "dream" wasn't all that it was cracked up to be! lol
I decided maybe I didn't want to be married to an alcoholic and try to save him after all, so I divorced him, thinking that would solve the problem. Funny thing...the problem was me and I didn't know it yet. Therefore I married another one just like him. It was after the marriage to the second one that I finally found al-anon.
It's amazing how we can live in denial and the "concept" of what we think is, not what reality is actually telling us. In the song, "A man I'll never be" it acually says in one of the stanzas "I can't get any stronger. I can't climb any higher. You'll never know how hard I've tried." This is an actual admittance on the part of the alcoholic/addict that he can't measure up to our standards...and they "know" it. How sad. I actually listened to this and didn't get it. But I get it now, and that's all that matters. Progress not Perfection.
Thanks for the topic Aloha. Quite thought provoking
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Good grief, related to this post!! Thank you. Fantasy vs. Reality.....I also mourned the loss the these relationhips with the same frame of mind..........what could have been, should have been and getting lost in that instead of the how it was. Thank god for recovery :) I think there is some song called "I can see clearly now" lol...Great post thank you so much.
I never realized I was one to try to fix people until my second husband whom I divorced. I tried for years to "make" him see his problems and "loved" his potential. He could have been a great husband if he didn't get abusive towards me. It took me 9 years to finally leave. Thanks for that share, totally relate
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
This is the really painful part for me. I do love the man - and his potential. I know he is capable of great things. And I think each one of us, when we are down, would give anything to have someone love us until we are back on our feet. . . to believe in us so we can believe in ourselves.
I tried to be that. Gently. Loving. Understanding and acceptance. The difficult thing for me is that "hardworking" is at the very top of my list as far as things that attract me to a man. And I sat around and waited for him to be that for 3 years. Soon the waiting and listening to the plans - the dreams - and the lack of action turned into resentments and loss of respect. I tried so hard to not feel that way - but I just couldn't turn it off.
I am a go getter. I dream and then I do it. I don't look at the obstacles and run in fear - I grab on and try and accept the outcome. I might leave a path of failure, but I try. That is the fun part! I wanted him to try for himself. I wanted him to be proud of himself. I wanted him to find something he loved besides sleeping and sitting on the computer. I wanted him to be attractive to me. I wanted to inspire him and him to inspire me. I wanted to walk with someone at the same pace and not have to slow down or keep going and leave him alone at home napping or messing around on the computer. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to live a life I thought was "right" and judged him for it . . . regardless of how hard I tried not to. Ouch.
I finally had to let go and it hurt. I wanted to accept him for who he is so badly. I didn't want to walk away having him think that he wasn't enough. And truthfully - I don't see it that way. It wasn't that he wasn't enough - we just didn't match. He is an individual free to live the life he wants. If his daily habits make him happy - that is great! That is all I want for him is his happiness. But I can't have those daily habits in my life from my partner. I can not project my way of life on him, that is unfair and unrealistic. I can not have expectations of him to change for me. He is brilliant. He could do anything. When he does put out effort, he does a fantastic job. But me seeing this and believing it about him apparently is not enough to help him believe it or try...anything.
I felt like a real jerk abandoning him - yet adding another notch to the reasons he is who he is and doesn't believe in himself. His fear. His abandonment issues. His anger. I wanted to stay forever and help him fix that - let him know he is worth it - but he isn't willing to fix himself - I can't fix him. Heck, who says he needs "fixing" - perhaps he is perfect the way he is. He just sure doesn't seem happy, content, peaceful, proud . . . any of it. And I can't sacrifice my happiness anymore. I waited as long as I could.
Visually I see me walking down a path and he is sitting there. I am saying . . . "Come on - lets go get life" and he says "I am afraid" and I say "that is ok, I am here and i will help you - just take my hand" but he continues to sit and I eventually turn around and walk away. And I feel really bad about that and work on that everyday. I know in my head it isn't my fault and I wasn't bad for doing it. It feels like a failure and like I did truly abandon him. But his happiness is not my responsibility and THAT is what I truly need to accept.
I just so badly wanted the statement "I will love you no matter what and will always be here for you" to be true. I feel like a liar.
Wow, sorry about that. Guess I am in a mood this morning. Too much on my plate!
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Oh, wow, I so relate to this. Most of the relationships in my life have been like that. I tended to believe the person I was with was almost "fixed up" - and if they just did this one last thing, they'd be perfect! The one last thing invariably never happened because I wanted stuff for other people that they did not want for themselves - or if it did happen, I'd find some other "one last thing." I was always in love with who I thought someone could be - the person that nobody else understood, the person that nobody else saw, etc. I thought I was the one who could see the good in those people, and felt like a saint because it seemed like nobody else even tried. Haha - in time, I discovered that I wasn't a saint - I was just living in a fantasy. I believe that people show you who they are. I pay more attention to what they show me these days and don't try to imagine what a person would be like "if only _____."
This has been one of the hardest parts of my recovery. It took a lot of time for me to be able to admit that maybe I wan't in love with a person at all - not a person in reality anyway. Many times, I was just in love with a nonexistent fantasy in my own head.
Like White Rabbit, I thought I could see things that no one else saw, and believed that my love, support and helpful advice could bring those wonderful qualities to the forefront -- like some kind of flower waiting to bloom.
If I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I think there was also an element of neediness there for me, that once the transformation was complete the person would be sooo grateful to me for bringing it about that he would love me MORE, and never leave me.
Think I'd better stick to tending my garden and watching those flowers bloom, lol.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Isn't that the truth? I keep finding myself thinking, "you'd be an amazing father if only you'd___," even though right now he's clean. Hmmmm.... that sounds like a good book :)
) that I used to actually revel in the idea that I loved what the person "could" be, not what he/she was. I used to listen to the Boston song "A Man I'll Never Be" and sing along and think of my pot-smoking boyfriend, who I later found out was also a drug dealer. I actually "prided" myself in this concept! Can you imagine? Prided myself in that fact! Well, needless to say it's no surprise that I went on to marry an alcoholic (not that particular boyfriend, but another) and found out that "dream" wasn't all that it was cracked up to be! lol
related to this post!! Thank you. Fantasy vs. Reality.....I also mourned the loss the these relationhips with the same frame of mind..........what could have been, should have been and getting lost in that instead of the how it was. Thank god for recovery :) I think there is some song called "I can see clearly now" lol...Great post thank you so much.