The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, my name is Kimmy. I am new here and new to al-anon. I feel like my situation is a little different than most. I have been with my husband for 8 years, but married for 4 years. When I met my husband, he had been sober for a year. Up until recently, he never drank because he knew he was an alcoholic and didn't believe he could control it. Well last month he went on a business trip, and he had dinner with his boss and his boss' boss, and they were drinking, so he decided to join in. When he came home from his trip, he admitted to me that he drank. My reaction to it felt really odd to me. I felt betrayed. It was like he admitted he cheated on me. The next day, he didn't drink at all, but on Sunday, he went and bought beer and drank 3 that day. It was really strange seeing him drink. Since then, he has been drinking on and off. He may drink for 4 or 5 days in a row (only drinking 3 beers) and then he may have 3 or 4 days where he doesn't drink at all.
There was a Sunday night when my husband drank 4 beers, and had a huge glass of wine. Our 7 year old son ask my husband if he would take him to go get ice cream from Sonic. My husband told him no, but he didn't want to explain the reason why to him. The next morning, my husband was talking to me about the night before and that he felt awful having to tell our son no because he had too much to drink so he couldn't drive. He decided that he wasn't going to drink except occasionally, like if we were to go out to dinner, he would have a beer, or something like that. So he ended up getting all the alcohol out of the house. He gave it to our neighbors. He went about a week without drinking, until this past Monday. He told me he had a horrible day at work. Then on top of that our 10 year old son was causing him some frustration because he was trying to fly through his homework so he could play, and so my husband checked his work, and saw that more than half of his answers were wrong. It wasn't long after sending our son to his room to correct his homework, that my husband left to go to the store to buy beer. He drank 4 beers in an hour and a half. The excuse he used was that he had a hard day at work, and he needed something that would relax him.
Tuesday, my husband comes home from work, and I was outside when he got home, and he came over and hugged me, and when I went to give him a kiss, I could smell beer on his breath. I didn't say anything at first because I was trying to compose myself and get centered before confronting him. My initial thought was that he left work early and went to a bar to drink, which is something he hasn't done yet. So after about 5 minutes of me regaining my balance, I confronted him. I asked him if he stopped somewhere before coming home from work. He asked me what I was talking about. I told him to just answer the question. He asked me what I was getting at again, and I told him that I would tell him what I am getting at once he answers the question. He told me he had stopped at the store and bought one beer, and he drank it on the way home. I told him that I had smelled the alcohol on his breath when he hugged me, and that I was concerned that he may have stopped at a bar to drink, and that he drove home under the influence of alcohol. He assured me he had bought and drank only one beer, and that he threw the can away when he first got home before coming to hug me. I know he was telling the truth because I did see him throwing something away when he immediately got home. That night, he ended up finishing off the 2 remaining beers he didn't drink the night before from the 6 pack he bought. He had also asked me why I seems so upset about smelling the beer on his breath when he got home. I told him that it wasn't so much the fact that he had beer on his breath when he got home as it was that he is drinking at all. I told him that the husband I know doesn't drink, and that this whole thing with him drinking is odd to me, and that I am not used to it, and that it brings back bad memories from when I was in a relationship with an active alcoholic. He never said anything back after I told him that.
Yesterday, my husband didn't drink at all. There is no alcohol in the house, he didn't buy any yesterday, and he didn't stop to get one on the way home from work either.
I am just so confused and thrown off balance because like I said, I have never seen my husband drink before until recently. The husband I know is a recovering alcoholic, not an active alcoholic. For right now, he seems to have his drinking under control, and it may last like that for a little while. What scares me is the possibility of it getting worse. I know it is bound to happen because alcoholics are powerless over alcohol and their addiction to it. I am scared that he will eventually lose the control that he seems to have over it now, and get really drunk and do something stupid, like get behind the wheel of a car. He already has two felony DWI's on his record. The last thing he needs is a third one because in the state I live in, if you have three felonies, you get sentenced 25 to life in prison. That would mean that he would lose everything he has worked so hard to accomplish in his life since becoming sober.
I am not really sure what al-anon is all about, but I hope to learn by being apart of this group. Thanks for listening.
Kimmy
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hi Kimmy, Just want to welcome you, I am new too and don't have a lot of wisdom to share yet, but I know for sure you are in the right place. I have learned a lot in the short time I've been visiting this board. I know I felt like my situation was different too, but now I see how much we all have in common, & can learn a lot from eachother. This is not my first relationship with an alcoholic either, but it's strange how I didn't figure it all out till I was too far in to back out. Anyway, keep posting and reading other posts, you are sure to find a lot of strength and help here. =)
Welcome to Alanon and your story is not different then most. We all here have experienced what your going thru.
Glad your here, since your husband was sober in all this time, you have not felt the affects of the disease. The disease of alcoholism never goes away, it can go into a remission, but it never goes away.
Try and attend a face to face alanon meeting and gather pamphlets and as much information on the subject. One thing we must learn is that we are powerless over their drinking.
Keep coming back and share, there are so many people on this board with so much wisdom and experience.
Hi, Kimmy - your story is similar to parts of mine. My husband was sober when I met him and we started dating, but he began drinking off and on for months at one point. He'd manage to stay sober over the weekends when the whole family was together, but during the week he'd drink - which got worse and worse, as alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Glad you're here - you are in the right place. Face to face Alanon meetings will provide valuable support for you in your own recovery.
Welcome Kimmy, First your story is not new at all so please feel you are in the right place.
Al Anon is for people who love an addict. We learn how to keep our life balanced, as our A is so unbalanced.
Everyone here relates to you, we all share with each other and support.
There is no controlling the drug (alcohol is a drug) for an A (addict). Alcohol is poison to them, no amount is safe.
The disease is one that is not curable, sadly the person will be A forever and it will get worse and worse as it destroys the body.
Recovery is like remission in some ways. However when they relapse, which is what your husband is doing, they are right back where they were when they went into recovery.
He is in trouble. Believe me, he knows it.
We can do nothing for them as far as the disease. Them not drinking has zero to do with it. Alcoholism is an addiction that has symptoms, selfishness, manipulative, denial, using a drug, avoiding, many many more.
Just because they are not drinking, does not mean they are doing well. They cannot slow down or stop some and make any difference. They are still a sick A.
Hon, Al Anon teaches us to detach from their disease. For me that means I love the A, but hate the disease with all its behaviors.
I learned to love my ex AH (addict husband) and not give any energy to the disease. Stopping the disease is like trying to stop a river from flowing, cannot be done. We have zero control over it, or them.
I didn't talk about it, pay any attention to it, no dumping it out, watching hm, keeping track of his using, none of it. I learned this from Al Anon.
We have no idea what and when they use. They lie, manipulate and hide it. They feel more guilt than we can imagine.
The best thing for us is to go to face to face meetings where we live. There are meetings here in the chat room, the message board and a chat room. The book Canadian guy offerss at the top of the message board is a wonderful first book to read. It taught me so darn much!I knew about nothing too when I came here.
I am a very old timer here, still need my home here though my A is not in my life. The thing is their disease makes us sick, and everyone around them. So the more skills we can learn through Al Anon the better our lives can be.
For instance we would stop counting their using. Not our business, we learn not to be their parent, they have a right to make their own decisions. We need to bless them the freedom to deal with their disease in their own way.We can play reversies, would we want someone counting what we eat or drink?
Would we want someone in our business?
We learn if we want to live with that person, or can we? To do this just like any other person we have in our life, we accept them as is, or we cannot be around them. The only person we can control is ourself.
HE knows what he needs to do, he knows one drink is too much.
I always share my experience, I believe a person with an A, would do better to have their own bank account, house and vehicles in their name. Don't keep cash around, protect what you need.
The disease will try to suck everyone dry. It does not like to go down alone. It brings the person with the disease into a pit of dispair and worse, and tries to pull everyone else in.
If you choose to remain in Al Anon, read literature, go to meetings, gather tools how to deal with the disease, you may have a happier life.
The A is very sick. He has a disease and knows it. You have witnessed the denial already, the manipulation too.
I am soooo glad you found us. I hope you will stay and share. We need your input too if and when you want to.
It is very ok to love our A's. I want you to know I was where I wanted to be with my AH. Loved him all my life. But a brain surgery destroyed him, then he relapsed from all the drugs from the surgery. He is now horribly abusive. So the abuse was what made me have to divorce him.
We can learn to live with them. Makes it much easier if all we stand to lose is our A. MANY lose their homes, vehicles, jobs, health, family, finances, and more.
Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. I am glad I have a place to come to so I can learn about alcoholism, and its effect on everyone. I am also glad to know that I am not alone and that there are people out there that are supportive and can help. I also find it very encouraging that I don't have to allow my husband's alcoholism to control my life. Even though he hasn't been drinking a whole lot, I have found that I am allowing his alcoholism to control my life. I have been keeping count how many beers he drinks. Part of the reason why I have been doing that though is because he asked me to watch how much he does drink, and if I see a problem, to tell him, and he will stop. Unfortunately, I told him that drinking at all is a problem, but he didn't stop. I need to let go of the idea that if I tell him he is drinking an excess amount of alcohol and that he is losing control, that he will stop. By the time it gets to that point, he will be consumed by the disease, and he won't want to stop until he is ready, instead of when I am ready.
I know I have a lot to learn, but I feel like I am in the right place. I did a search for a local al anon group in my area, and found that there is one about a mile from my house. So I plan on attending it soon. I just don't know how to tell my husband where I am going without offending him. I don't want to lie to him, but I don't want to tell him the truth and him get angry with me. I will figure out a way some how or another.
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
So sorry you are going through this and so glad you are here. There's a lot to be learned just from reading through the threads on these boards. I'm also glad you've found a meeting nearby.
My experience is that alcoholics don't want to hear the bad news that their addiction is damaging and out of control, and so they turn it back on us. Your description of your husband brings up memories of ways my alcoholic tried to deflect the responsibility. One of the ways was that he would try to give me responsibility for monitoring him -- "You keep track and if I've had too much, you just say so ... " As in your case, saying so just led to other excuses. And also the trick of getting mad if I did anything that implied that there was a problem -- as if as long as I wasn't acknowledging it, there couldn't be a problem. He also tried to insist that I had a psychiatric problem where I was paranoid about normal alcohol drinking. When he got two DWI's and court-ordered rehab, then itw was society that didn't understand innocent fun. Etc. etc. etc.
If we don't watch out, their distorted view of reality is so strong that we start to doubt ourselves. That's one reason Al-Anon is so valuable.
You sound as if you have a really good clear view of things. Again, so glad you are here -- keep coming back
First of all I would like to welcome you to miracles in progress, where one miracle happens every day.
Now the tough stuff he is no longer a recovering alcoholic, he is an active alcoholic right now. One is too many and 100 is never enough.
You only see what he is drinking in your home and trust me when I tell you that you have no idea if he is telling you the whole truth or not. You know the first way to tell when an addict is lying is when there lips are moving.
I don't mean to be harsh however in my opinion you must take the blinders. Alcoholics can never be social drinkers it is not possible. My husband was sober for 4 years one time. When he started drinking again it did not take long for all of the old habbits to come back.
Now for you dear Kim, you have to seek help to learn how to handle the situation you are in. Face to face al anon meetings are a wonderful idea. You can go on line and find one in your area. If that is too hard come here. we have meetings twice a day and you can always come in to the chat room where someone will listen.
I will hold your family in my prayers. Remember one day at a time, sometimes one second at a time is how we get through. You are not alone there is some wonderful wisdom and hope here.
Welcome to MIP.... I agree with what has been said above... your alcoholic husband is definitely no longer in recovery, and is back to being an active alcoholic. As for you & your recovery, I would encourage you to choose recovery - for you. You will need the education and support that can be found in Al-Anon....
Alcoholics can't control their drinking for any length of time, and "recovering" alcoholics can't go back and return to social drinking - period. If your hubby did attend AA and had a recovery program, he knows this to be true. His addiction is "fooling" whomever it can right at the moment - himself, you, etc...
I wish you well, and hope you keep coming back Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
hello and welcome , trust me it will get worse alcoholism progresses most alcoholics I know say that thier dream was to become a social drinker , unfortuantely its not possible its all or nothing .. what really matters here is what his drinking does to you . Your post is full of he he he did , didn t drink etc your very busy watching what he is doing and i am sure u could find alot more things to do that would be more productive . when we become obsessed with anothers life we loose our own . Trying to figure him out is a waste of valuable time , your never going to figure this disease out , alcoholics cant tell you why they do what do . Please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand your fears . It only takes one person to change to create change and if we want change we have to be willing to create it . good luck Louise
Is it necessary for you to hide the fact you will be attending Alanon? You know your situation better then I do, but from my experience, it's probably going to be a "no win" situation anyway. When he finds out, and he's bound to sooner or later, he will accuse you of sneaking around behind his back, lying to him etc. Sneaking, so he won't be angry is (IMO) sort of protecting the alcoholism, in a sense.
A alcoholic openly drinking= you have every right to openly seek help. *Alanon is because you have a problem with the drinking and you want to learn how to cope. It's really not about him.
Again, you know your situation better then I do. I just think if someone else's actions make you feel as if you need help, they have no cause to be angry , plus...Alcoholics like ammunition to use against us. It's a defense mechanism to avoid looking in the mirror. Fibbing about your whereabouts can lead to some pretty rough accusations.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I actually brought up this very subject about telling my AH about me attending alanon in my therapy group tonight. My therapist said that he would suggest being matter of fact about it by saying that I am going to attend alanon on a specific night at a specific time. He said that if AH got angry, upset, or offended, that it will be more about him, than it is about me, and that by possibly lying about where I am going is protecting his feelings, and that it isn't my job to try to control how he will feel about what I am doing to take care of myself. Basically I need to take on the attitude of not letting him get in the way of taking care of me, and be ok and accept that he is angry, upset, or offended, if it turns out that he feels that way. I won't be able to control his reaction to it, or how he feels about it, so I might as well be honest about it from the get go. And if he does get angry, or whatever negative feeling he may have, it isn't going to be the end of the world for me, and it won't change the fact that I believe that I am worth being taken care of by me. He certainly isn't going to do it, and it is up to me to take care of myself, whether he is actively drinking, or is recovering from alcoholism. I know I have an awful lot to learn about taking care of myself, and not allowing AH's addiction to control my life and make me sick too. I'm sure it isn't going to be an easy road, but the benefits out weigh the risks, and I am willing to learn and grow from this experience.
Kimmy
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
The therapist that runs the group therapy for depression is really awesome. I have learned a LOT in these last three weeks that I've been attending. He was actually the one that suggested that I find an Alanon group to attend. Unfortunately today is my last day of intensive outpatient group therapy, because insurance will no longer cover it, but the good news is, every Wednesday, they have an after care program in the evening that I can attend for free for a year since I was a patient in the outpatient program. My therapist will rotate every four weeks with another therapist in the after care program, so I will still get to learn not only from the therapist I am comfortable with, but also from another therapist as well. I think that it is great that they have this after care program.
And you are so right Christy, he does seem to have a great understanding of Alanon, and any other 12 step program. He is a big advocate for those programs.
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
