The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You may remember me posting about my fun (fairly sober) Tues. night with my fiance. Well, typically I spent all day Wednesday while he was at work, crying and fearing him coming home and starting to drink again last night. I tried to suck it up because up until now, I did NOT want to have that dreaded conversation about his alcohol abuse. I feared the confrontation and him pushing me to give him an ultimatum.
So he came home w/ no beer, but I smelled it on his breath... that was enough for my eyes to tear up and I was trying to hide it while I cooked but he saw... pushed me to tell him what was wrong... he gets real mad when I won't tell him what is wrong. I had written him a letter a couple weeks ago, so I handed him that because I was crying too hard to speak.
Mainly focusing on... how much I love him, how much I want him in my life, but, how much distress I am in because of the drinking, how anxious I am between times of his drinking. He asked what he did that's so wrong... I said it's the unpredictability of it, how he can be super loving or super hostile, overbearing, loud, intimidating. Worst, that he doesn't even remember the next day. (He always brags he treats me better than anyone ever has. I think it comes as a surprise to him that half our life together is him being an @$$.)
Well he was defensive, obviously didn't agree, said I was overly anxious all the time anyway, accused me of having too much free time on my hands, and told me to take an online course!! (I almost laughed at that one!!)
Part of the time I was crying, mostly I was calm. A couple of weeks with you all and Toby Rice Drews has taught me that I can't argue with his illness, he will do anything to protect his illness, he's just sick.
I didn't expect him to validate my feelings but I told him I wished he could show that he cared... he said that if he did that, then I would keep acting this way. He really thinks HE is my shrink. And I'm the sick one.
Oh well, I know I'm sick too....
Nothing got resolved. He said he won't drink here, but then he said (like this should hurt me) "that means I won't be here as much anymore." He was most surprised that I was trying to change or control him. Because I have never been that way. I don't want that, I just want to be treated nice, is that too controlling?
A while ago on his Facebook page he dedicated Montgomery Gentry She don't tell me to, about this guy who loves his wife so much and will do anything for her cause she doesn't try to boss him around. I think he sees himself that way. He just doesn't KNOW how ugly he gets after he's had a certain number of drinks.
I'm trying to find some peace.... I stayed outwardly very calm.... I am proud of that. But then ended up with the worst migraine and upset stomach while he snored peacefully all night.
Ugh, don't know what to do... don't want to kick him out.... I still love him so much. **tears**
You did fine!!! Just continue using the program . Try to get to face to face meetings or attend the on line meetings here This is all a process and we take very baby steps to activate change.
You know this is a disease that has you both under control
Please keep the focus on your recovery. Use the serenity prayer, focus on yourself, Live in the day and Let go and let God
I'm so glad you are here! I think you did an awesome job of saying "what you mean without saying it mean."
This is so new to us when we come to Al-Anon ..... expressing our feelings. I know it was for me, and after 5 yrs, I still struggle with it in some areas. It's hard to put into words what our needs are when we have focused on everyone elses needs for so long.
This is always, always, progress...not perfection!!!! We never stop growing.
Be kind to yourself!!! You are doing so well! Keep coming back and also try f2f meetings if you can. I do both and it is so enlightening.
Aloha Mom...just some hope and just for you; you will not get this thing called recovery overnight because you didn't arrive here overnight also. Recovery for those who have it good is about being humble (teachable), patient, willing, honest, courageous and more. It is also about self focus not other focus. Recovery is about us for us whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not or even if one is within a hundred miles of us. I can and have found them 2600 miles away from here after being there for just a short period of time. Gotta keep this short and simple and tell you that Al-Anon and MIP is about you getting well and strong. It is about switching Higher Powers an alcoholic for a power much greater than the disease. Your strongest relationship will evolve into God First...You next and then the alcoholic and others right after. If you cannot love your self no one else will know you're loving either.
Well Jerry said it very well...as always...you have to take care of you in order to take care of those beautiful children.
We can get just as caught up in this disease as the alcoholic. We learn to hide, lie, and deny as well. Life is better in the light....the darkness stinks.
Let it out in the open, just Let God and Let Go.....work a program for you so you can get your thoughts together.
I am new to alanon too, but having a few months here, all I can say is that you concentrating on you (and the kids) is the best thing you can do. I posted about detaching the other day....I am trying to stay focused on me every single minute. What I want, need and desire. I think you did great staying calm! I know there are days that I would give him the silent treatment until he bugged me enough to tell him what was wrong, and because he had been drinking or using, it just didn't do any good. When he was sober the next morning, we talked. I would say how I felt about everything with the "I" statements and I didn't point fingers or judge. Now that I am focusing on me, I am learning to say things that I could never say before. Its like jumping in to freezing cold water on a hot day. I was so leery of doing it at all... I am getting better at it, with practice. You will too! Keep coming back :) Take care of yoU!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Your post rang bells with me. Although my AH is now in recovery, I remember well those days/months/years where I would complain about his drinking and he would say, "well, what did I do wrong?" or "I didn't do anything embarrassing" or things of that nature. As though it is OK to be drunk and slow-witted, speech slurred, etc, as long as he didn't put a lampshade on his head or something. Do NOT argue with that line of "reasoning" if you can call it that.
It also sounds llike he is doing something my AH did when he knew his drinking was affecting me -- he started drinking when I wasnt around and showing up drunk. Then he would deny he had had anything to drink! Enough to make you crazy.
I also wrote several letters about my concerns because he just didnt seem to be "hearing me" when I expressed them out loud. He would even keep the letters in his briefcase, but he nonetheless did not take any steps to stop drinking. He still labored under the delusion he could control his drinking.
You are making steps in the right direction. You wrote down your feelings and that is good. But dont hold your breath for the letter to make an immediate difference. Continue to focus on your own recovery.
