The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm just starting to understand Alanon and as I do I'm starting to see that there are some things that I just can't live with. For example, I feel so awful about myself when I buy alcohol for my AH. It makes me feel so horrible. I also feel awful when I allow him to spend time with my 3 year old. To me, it is so irresponsible to be drunk around a child and I feel like a horrible parent just sitting there and letting it happen. How should I set appropriate boundaries so I can feel more comfortable? Should I just say no the next time he asks me to buy him booze? Should I just take my daughter and leave when he's clearly drunk? Has anyone else ever dealt with this before?
Has anyone delt with this ?? yeah we have . We are enablers and as long as we do for them what they should do for themselves nothing is going to change . Buying alcohol and then getting ticked cause thier drunk dosent make any sence to me , I have never bought alcohol for my husb I hated liquor stores so refused to go into one . As for your child if husb is drunk he cant be trusted to take care of a 3 yr old if your home keep baby busy with games or a movie and away from daddy who is often a little too rough when drinking at least my husb was , he didnt realize he was but that was the booze . Our kids trust us t keep them safe we all deal with situations differently when confused as to what to do , I was told to just do the next right thing for me ..
I just want to ask you this; Would you allow a stranger, a very obvious retarded person, an insane person to hold, be with your child? (when I say retarded, I mean that in the most loving way btw, I mean one who we are not sure of their actions)
If someone, anyone came to your house drunk are you going to hand them your child?
We make boundaries, when you catch him sober, let him know you will not buy alcohol for anyone. I do my best to never use the word you with people. We never know when it might put them on the defensive.
I would also let people know you will not chance your baby around a person who is drunk. I am sure when he is sober he will agree.
It is not safe to have people who are insane around kids, period.
For me it is up to me to protect kids.
This is my experience. Good for you for knowing you need to make some changes. Questioning is always the first step.
Welcome! You are asking very important questions. Keep asking them! The answers are right smack dab looking you in the face (they always have been), it just takes time. Remember, progress not perfection.
As I have been growing in this program I have started to feel more self confidence and awareness. I realized that I already know what's unacceptable. Whenever I'm in a situation or doing something I don't like, I literally feel it physically. (All I have to do is listen & learn)
This is a slow journey and it's a kind process. Don't beat yourself up for the past. You didn't know what you didn't know and you only are doing what you know now. Keep coming and you'll start to see when you start changing your behavior a whole new world opens up to you.
Hugs to you & your little one, I have a 1 year old myself. Keep coming
I tried for like a half hour this morning to type out a response to this one... about how yes, others of us HAVE dealt with problems and feelings about having a drunk around our kids. I know I certainly have. I typed several different responses about the ways I try to safeguard my kids and shelter them from this stuff. I typed several different versions of the statement that I don't think he is a danger to them. But I had to delete each attempt, because they did not seem true. I kept remembering this little detail or that little detail. And once I start lying to myself and others, then there's no hope for me.
Truth is, I try but I don't know if I am keeping them safe, especially emotionally. I don't know what is gonna happen. What I am learning is that everyday is just totally unpredictable. It could be a great day, where his impact on my kids is positive and helpful (cause he's a very good and decent man) OR it could be a day where he staggers around acting like an @$$, maybe getting mad for no reason, or just acting a fool. That makes me sick with anxiety, literally. I know I have to do something. Trying to do the best I can with limited information and no ability to read the future. I know I should not rush a decision. But I can't stay stuck in limbo either, where my kids are concerned. This is TOUGH.
The boundaries I arrived at were that I wasn't going to do anything to aid the alcoholism (like buying alcohol for him), and that I wasn't going to pretend that things were okay when they weren't. I finally realized that confronting him wasn't doing any good (it never does), but I also wasn't going to sit there and pretend it was a normal day when he was drinking himself into a stupor. The way I see it is that boundaries are to protect us, not control them, so my boundary would be to go do something fun with our son in a different room or place, or whatever, rather than stay with the A and try to make him be a reasonable dad when he was drunk. I hope this makes sense! It's a process of trial and error, and staying calm was the hardest part of it for me!
