The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'll try to make this to the point: money is T-I-G-H-T lately. Like, no wiggle room to begin with, and then we had a big car repair and now there's *really* no room. So about a week ago, AH & I sat down and figured out how much we had, to make it to this friday. It was less than $100. A week + 2 days, less than $100.
So last night, AH asks me if I could give his teenage daughter a ride to work (she lives with her mom, long story.) I said yes, but I'd need some gas money because my car had like 1/8 of a tank left. He said to me, "well I don't have any more."
Meanwhile, this past week he bought 2 cases of beer. That's $45 worth of beer.
I have been conserving my money, NOT buying food but making do with what we have in the freezer/pantry, NOT going out for coffee, NOT driving unneccesarily, etc. And he bought 2 cases of beer, leaving me nothing to put in my car with 3 days to go until payday.
I wanted to lash out at him, which is what I would normally do. The urge was so strong. But everything I've been doing in response to his alcoholism over the past 9 years has been completely useless. So I'm trying to deal with things differently.
But I honestly don't know what to do. How dare he? How dare he put his addiction before his family's well being??? I know, "that's what they do, they're sick, blah blah blah." But it's unacceptable. Am I supposed to just take it because "he's sick"??? But if I say something, he'll just come back at me with all the usual rebuttals and defenses. There's no point.
How do I let him know that what he is doing is NOT ok with me? I am not willing to be a doormat and let him get away with this irresponsible, selfish crap. It's wrong and he needs to know it. I jsut don't know how to get it across to him.
You have a right to say how u feel just dont expect that anything will change . no gas no drive for his daughter .. I was told if i dont say how i feel my husb would assume that what he is doing is okay with me =go figure ?? 45.00 out of a hundred is not okay - say so and then let it go .
I am in a very similar situation to yours. No money, very tight budget (who wins the bill paying lottery this week?) and AH buying beer all the time.
Last week he bought beer 6 out of 7 days. He is taking food from mine and the children's mouths. I am the one left with the stress of juggling the little money we have and taking the calls about late payments.
This week I told him that I would not argue with him about money anymore. If he wanted to keep drinking when we cannot afford it go ahead, but he can make payment arrangements when the calls come in. I'm done with it.
This is acceptance by me that all the pleading, begging, screaming, fighting, resentment, anger or even logic in all the world, will make no difference to the A. I surrender.
Tag... the AH is it.
So far, no beer has been bought. I am not going to hold my breath expecting him to stop though. He is capable of going a week or two without drinking... i have seen this before.
But I will not loose my sanity or cause an uproar in the house about it anymore, it does me or my kids no good to be constantly angry. I need to work on me.
I wish you all the best, please keep coming back and attend face to face meetings, or on line meetings (we have them here). Your sanity is worth it. You are worth it.
Hugs.
__________________
They are sick and we are crazy. Crazy no more. Amen.
Nobody's suggesting that you just "take it", but you hit the nail on the head about "that's what active A's do".... In fact, in their addiction, active A's will often go well beyond what your hubby did.... they will go into serious debt, and/or sell of precious items, and/or put their addictions ahead of their children, responsibilities, etc...
I am in no way condoning what he did - just accepting it for what it is..... Alcoholics drink. Period.
It has been my experience that you can talk to an active A until you are blue in the face about what they should or should not do, but as long as they are active in their addiction, you may as well talk to a brick wall (or any other inanimate object). Some of the things you CAN do, would be to perhaps have tighter control on the money, at least until all necessary bills are paid, food is bought, etc... I know this is easier said than done, but it is the truth....
Aside from that - you can choose recovery for YOU, as his drinking is obviously affecting you - financially, emotionally, and otherwise....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You're getting lots of good thoughts here. I'd also add, that it sounds like you don't have enough gas in the car to get throught the week AND take his daughter home. So you make a choice. I'd choose not to take his daughter. He can work that out himself if there is no money. Part of taking care of yourself is seeing that your needs are met, including the basics. Get the money you need to get what you need (easier said then done but there are ways) and don't depend on him to manage money well.
I am sad about your situation, my friend told me once this same story. I had never heard of Al Anon then so was horrified.
Well I am horrified for you however know why they do it.
Once I lived with an A and lost about everything I worked for all my life before I married him.
I learned to live with an A I have to have my home in my name, everything in my name. Money andor finances are totally up to me.
Would we trust our lives to someone with brain damage/insanity? That is what "we" do when we are in these situations!
I learned all this from being in Al Anon watching others too. What is wrong with ME that I will allow this to continue? What can "I" do to not get into this again.
So I did all I shared above. Thank you, for the grace of my hp, I did not lose my home, but was homeless for a year to not do so!
I don't know where your money comes from, but if you can one thing I always share and invite people to do is put money away, anything, even pennies. Your own private stash.
When you guys divide up, get more for you for house stuff and tuck it away.
I babysat pets in peoples homes as they were on vacation, did yardwork, brought in mail, anything to make a few bucks. I also worked full time. I was a widow when I raised my kids, my husband had gotten drunk and killed.
Anyway I agree, I would not take daughter home, mom could have come gotten her.
Saying NO is ok. You are the sane one, remember this. I would be taking his bottles back and sticking that money away.
Al Anon taught me to be more assertive, reminded me yes he is sick, what does that mean?
He is brain damaged, so makes bad decisions, is not dependable, does not problem solve, is selfish, will put his own wants first always, does not usually care about anything more than his or her passion that being drugs. Alcohol is a drug.
What would ever make us put ANYTHING in the A's hands???? We have to relearn the way we think or hoped our "partnership" is going to be.
You shared you sat down and discussed the situation. With who? a brain damaged, immature, very sick man? It was like sitting with a four year old.
This is for me what Al Anon helped me with, to look at things with different eyes!
A is sick, so he gets very little money to live on.
Yes we have to go to work, we have to find a way to share kid sitting, since child care is so expensive. I was fortunate to teach in the school district so was home when my kids were.
No it was not easy, I hated being out in the world, always planned to be a home mom. Life showed me different. ug.
Anyway you sound like an intelligent, loving person. I have great faith you will find a better way for your family.
HUGS I think when it comes to an A and their disease, you can't draw that hard and fast, black and white line and expect them to do what is right. They just aren't capable. THen it pretty much boils down to our own expectations.
My AH has been out of the house (6 months now) and I've been handling all the bills with both our incomes. But in his account he has just enough to buy groceries/gas and housing, basically he's on a budget. (Doesn't have any credit cards either) Also, recently (after 6 months in Al Anon) I vocalized my request to totally relinquish any responsibilities of his bills. (ie. our (now changing to just his) car insurance and cell phone). I just want to be responsible for ME and our son. He got sad but then agreed. Course he still hasn't done anything about it but I'm going to get things started this week.
We are still married but the house and my car is in my name. Somehow that makes me feel a bit better.
Just remember, since they are like 4 years olds like debilyn says, give them an inch and they will take a mile.
What can you do for yourself in this situation? Sometimes it helps to talk out your options. That's what we are here for. Take it one day at a time and keep coming.
I can understand the horror you feel when someone buys beer when there is gas to be bought, food to be bought, electricity to be paid and many other basic necessities. I have gone through that with my AH. I can understand the anger you feel when you are doing everything you can to save money and cut back on your extras, while they are always doing everything they can to maintain their addiction. I am like lndebi, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and life showed me different as well. But really it is ok now. I am learning so much from this program. I am learning how to take care of myself and not depending on the A to get what needs to be done, done. He can't. I was so angry because I thought that he chose this disease over me and took everything he did or didn't do as a personal attack, but I finally just accepted it, and stopped trying to change him. When I accepted that he is sick, then I was able to change the things I could:ME. I don't know your situation, do whatever you can to set back an emergency fund for yourself because in my case my AH would spend every penny in a heartbeat.
-- Edited by kath on Friday 8th of October 2010 09:54:01 PM
Resentment fueled me for a long time so when I read this line in your post
"I have been conserving my money, NOT buying food but making do with what we have in the freezer/pantry, NOT going out for coffee, NOT driving unneccesarily, etc. And he bought 2 cases of beer, leaving me nothing to put in my car with 3 days to go until payday."
it reminded me of how angry doing the right thing while feeling as if I was being sabotaged can make me. Accepting that I am who I am and will make these decisions because it is right at the moment while trying to release resentment so I could say what I mean without being mean is worth the effort. I am always able to express my anger and boundaries in a manner that shows respect to myself and the other personif I can release that resentment or at least some of it LOL It is not always easy.
