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Hi everyone, I attended my first Al Anon meeting last night. I found it to be a bit uncomfortable but I can definitely see how it would be helpful. So I'm hoping to continue to go.
I'm attending Al Anon because of my wife, who is also attending AA. She has been quite irresponsible with drinking over the last year, and while she hasn't drank often (at least that I know about), she has drank multiple times in a situation where she shouldn't have. She is a stay at home mom to our two little ones, our nearly 4 year old daughter and our nearly 2 year old son.
She's been attending AA 3x/week for the last few months, and has a sponsor. However, she has "relapsed" at least 4 times since she started attending AA, including just 2 days ago. It seems that she's not getting it.
What I'm hoping to get from Al Anon is the courage to be able to step in and do what is necessary to protect my children. As far as I know, she has not driven with them while under the influence, and as far as I know she only drinks in the middle of the afternoon while they are napping and shortly before I get home from work. But this is all based on what she tells me and I suspect the truth may be different. Our 4 year old told me the other day that she was crying because she saw mommy drive away and leave them home alone while they were napping. My wife denied it and our daughter later said it didn't happen but I don't really know what the truth is. She may have gone out to get booze.
The impression I got from attending last night's meeting is that many others in that group are in a different situation than mine. In my case I'm a bit less concerned with how I deal with everything and I'm more concerned with my kids safety. So the concept of "detachment" is hard for me because I can't detach from the situation. I have to actively know what is going on and what my wife is feeling/doing in order to protect my kids.
Anyway, that's all for now. I find message boards to be very helpful and I'm hoping this one will be as well. Nice to meet all of you.
Welcome to MIP.... Please let me assure you, that there are many who will relate very closely to your story and circumstances.... It sounds almost exactly MY story, as my now ex-AW was doing the same when our children were that young.... I think your instincts are more than likely correct, and I would highly doubt that your 4-year old daughter "made up" the story of Mommy driving away while they were napping.... The disease has control of her, and she is doing things that she would NEVER do if she were sober - including putting her addiction ahead of her children....
For me, I was in denial for far too long..... I "caught" my wife driving drunk with my precious kids on more than one occasion, but kept wanting to believe that it wasn't what it was.... I left my kids home with my wife, who was drinking during the day.... It wasn't until I came home around 10:30am one morning, seeing my 4 & 2 year old playing on their own - their mother passed out after already drinking a bottle of vodka, that my own wake-up call was accepted by me....
The steps I took (far too late, as I reflect years later), was to put the kids into fulltime daycare.... For over two years, I would drop the kids off at daycare... go to work.... pick them up from daycare on my way home, and then cook dinner, etc..... It was really the only choice I could make.....It was difficult financially and emotionally exhausting, but I always wished I would have done it months (years?) sooner.
I wish you well in your journey.... Good for you in posting here, and for getting to an Al-Anon meeting.... Keep coming back.... Get your hands on a copy of "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I just wanted to say you're not alone. I don't know what I would do in your situation; thankfully I'm the sober stay at home parent in our fam. If I were in your shoes I'd probably try to find some other caregiver for the little ones during the day. Maybe family? I dont' know if you can afford daycare - I know we can't - but it might be an option. You just can't risk your kids' safety. It might serve as a wake-up call to your wife, too, for her to see that you're taking action. I dont' know. I'm new to alanon, so take my opinion for what it is.
The good thing is, your wife is going to AA. Even if she's not doing too great with it, it's definitely a step just that she's willing to go. I know it seems like not a big deal, but it really is.
There is no "getting it." They are very sick people with a disease they did not choose. We never know when they will or if be able to get into true recovery.
As far as detachment, I take that as detaching from the person who I love and the disease.
We can and do love our A's, but we hate the disease with all its horrible behaviors.
I cannot say anything better than what Tom canadian guy said.
When I realized my kids daddy who did adore them, drank when he had them with him, and drove drunk, I had to tell him to go away.I was NEVER going to chance anything happening to them again.
Some might say I am telling someone what to do sharing that. What if something bad happened from my share?
For me after I told him to go away, he got so drunk that night, he got ran over and died 7 days later. so no one needs to tell me something bad can happen.
I say protect your kids at all costs. MY experience.
Very glad you have found us and Alanon. You say your wife isn't getting much out of AA. I will tell you that she will get out of it what she puts into it. So she may not be ready yet to admit her powerlessness over her disease. In turn you will get out of alanon what you put into it. We work the same steps as in AA just with a different perpective. While you say you are not interested in how your wifes drinking affects you, you are only concerned with your children. Then I say this work this program as hard as you can, learn everything you can about the disease and be willing to do the work to change your own behaviors weather your wife is drinking or not. As you learn new behaviors and new coping skills your children will then have one healthy parent to learn from. They will take thier cues from you. That is the best you can do for them. You said your daughter told you she say mommy driving away leaving them durning thier nap time but then took it back ( likely in fear of retribution from her mother). Believe what your daughter has told you and validate what she is seeing and feeling. Alcoholic LIE, thats thier job, thats how this disease protects itself. If you learn one lesson today is that alcoholic lie about everything even when they are sober. My son is an addict and I had to accept that everything that came out of his mouth was/is a lie unless my eyes and gut told me different. Alcoholics/addicts are master maniputlators and will do anything to protect thier disease. And I am sure they told you this at your meeting this is a progressive I repeat PROGRESSIVE disease, it only gets worse up until the time the person accepts that they are powerless or they hit thier bottom. I had to hit my own bottom before I walked through these doors. I was a raving lunatic probably just as if not sicker than my addict son. I came here looking for a way to "fix" my son and was told this program was for me, I almost left. I am so gratful beyond belief that I stayed and never looked back. Alanon has saved my life and my sanity. because again as you said you don't care about yourself believe me when I tell you if you do not learn the behaviors and healthy coping skills here in alanon your wife will take you and your children right down with her as she sinks to her bottom. Of that I am sure. No one will give you advise or tell you what to do. We will share our own experiences strenght and hope with you. You can take what you like and leave the rest. We will support any of the choices you may make. Having said that I am concerned for your children... remembering it is a progressive disease so if your wife is a stay at home mom her drinking will likely start earlier and earlier in the day until she gets to the point where she can't wait for you to leave for work before hitting the bottle or of course as many do have bottles stashed away. These are very valid concerns for the safety of your children. Maybe you can if possible drop in on your family durning the day a few times randomly to access what the situation of the family is and if your wife has been drinking. Maybe drop by at nap time? Obviously you children's safety must be first and foremost and you need to find out the truth about what goes on in your home when she is alone with them. I am sure without a doubt she loves her children but this disease takes no prisoners and nothing...not your children...not you...not anything will come between her and her drinking. So get yourself to those meetings, keep posting here...listen and lean then when you are ready start acting instead of reacting to this disease. I wish you the best in your recovery Blessings
I think everyone had great shares here. I wrote something about detaching with love a couple of posts before you. There is a lot of information on detaching out there, Alanon has a great pamphlet on it. You have come to the right place... Take care of you now...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
