The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to my new sponser, I am figuring out detachment and concentrating on me. I was thinking that inorder to detach, I had to stop loving my abf and run away. I am realizing that for right now, I don't have to do that. That detachment is allowing my bf to be who he is, and to stop trying to tell him how to live or whatever. I thought that if I were "selfless" and totally "centered" on him that he would get better. I didn't realize I was controlling him by doing that. That I was trying to fix him by doing that. Because I kept expecting that if I was just totally in love with him and totally fixated on him that he would change and meet my ideal image of him. Thats just not the case is it? maybe that is why the slip I had 2 days ago was so bad, so that I would open up to a sponser and find out about detachment.
I am going to try and keep it simple right now and concentrate on me and what I want and need. That is so very hard, since I have spent my life concentrating on others and what they want and need. If I notice I am not "with" myself, I will steer my thoughts back to me. My A knows my body language so well, that if I do the thing where I become cold to him, he knows something is wrong. Detachment is not being cold to someone and giving them the silent treatment. Its something I read in Courage to Change last night, where the lady found her A on the floor after falling out of bed and instead of helping him up, she covered him with a blanket there on the floor. She detached from him being on the floor drunk with love by giving him a blanket and going to bed herself... I think I can do that. For now, that is what I am working on :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Love the name and welcome to the MIP family. I have always said that I loved my late husband but not the disease. This allowed me to detach with love. It can be a very empowering skill to have. I have also taken this tool with me to work. I can detach and choose not to get involved in volatile situations. Well done on getting it! Keep up the great work. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Way to go....it's very hard to stand by and watch the one's we love destroy themselves. When detaching with love we learn that we have no control over them or this devistating disease.
I always found that the slogan "one day at a time" was the key for me, with regards to successfully detaching..... Most times, when I would get overwhelmed by my ex-AW's drinking, I would be very "future-focussed", worrying about how this would ever get better, projecting what was going to happen, etc.... My sponsor used to work with me and drill that slogan into my head..... saying such things as:
"You don't need to be able to handle the current situation for 20 more years (as I was trying to) - break it down into something manageable.... You have to handle things for the next 24 hours.... or 1 hour..... or 1 minute, as the case may be"
More often than not, when we were in relative crisis mode, this ODAT thinking helped me get through it..... Then, when things weren't so tense, and I had some more recovery under my belt, I was able to gently start working on the longer term stuff....
Take care - sounds like you are doing great
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Detachment changed my life , i believe it is what allowed me to stay in my marriage , I had detached with indifference before i got here ( not good ) then in anger , loving detachment was foriegn to me . there is a page in our odat on July 14th that helped me understand my part in any relationship and also our Detachment pamphlet , I would pick one listed practice it until it felt comfortable then moved on to another one . that pamphlet kept me busy for about 6 months .. I always have one in my purse reminds me of my part in the relationships . goodluck Louise
Tom and Louise, thank you! I am doing one minute at a time most of the time right now, and that is what I am learning about. How to bring it back to me... even if only for a minute ... Thanks
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Good for you with the babysteps you are making. Detachment and letting go of the illusion of control are the hardest things to let go of. For me letting go of those two things also finally helped me to let go of the anger as well and with that I was able to find serenity.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
The story from Courage to Change reminded me of another...(with a bit of humor thrown in).
A alcoholic husband came home late and passed out drunk in the yard. The Alanon wife placed a blanket on him and walked back in to the house....... knowing the sprinklers came on at 6 a.m. :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
All it takes is the willingness to consider viewing our world in a different way (Blueprint for Progress). Way to go taking care of you and moving forward in this process of recovery. How long did you attend f2f meetings before getting a sponsor? I guess I'll know when the time is right and someone appears...
