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I am trying to become obsessed with myself... ok, maybe that is not a good word, but trying to think of only me and also to finally embrace the first step... I fell last night and snooped and guess what? I felt AWFUL. Just awful and stupid for doing it. I made myself sick, because I let my Abf's mom get to me as she texted me (again) all day at work. I never told her to stop texting, so that is my fault. I know I should have said "sorry at work right now" but I didn't. I let her words take me over the edge into my own addiction and obsession. When I got home I thought that he was up to no good and he really was just fine. He could of course read my body language and knew something was up with me, but I wouldn't tell him anything until I fulfilled my goal of checking his phone (found nothing) and then eventually accusing him of what his mom said he may of been doing .... UGH awful feeling today. I feel depressed and guilty and like I was the one out drinking all night and should be making amends, but had to come to work.... :( I have been in Alanon since July, I know what I am supposed to do, and what I am not supposed to do. I know that letting my abf's mom get to me is a bad thing. I know I should turn off my phone or tell her I can't text right now. I know I shouldn't snoop because it just makes me feel bad. But I did it anyhow. I know what my Abf must feel like when he has a slip now. And I can't get onto chat to get some instant ES&H because work doesn't allow chat... Sorry to vent and feel so awful after a few weeks of doing so well, I fell flat on my face back to square one... Those of you who know who I am after the profile name change, know that I have been working hard. I am accepting that I am powerless over alcohol and addiction and what my bf does.... I am powerless over it. I am saying it over and over today....To thine own self be true... I am sorry for falling :(
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
No Need to be Sorry, For me sometimes I just have to accept, I'm Human and make TONS of Human mistakes... When I 1st got to al-anon, I too would allow others to dictate my day, and today seems to be one of those days!!! And it does take work, It takes me coming here, spilling my "Ick" and allowing others, to ESH me to some form of Sanitiy that I just am to clouded to see currantly...
I have relatives as well that LOVE to Stir "Crappenings" with me too...I have got better with just not responding, if they keep it up, I turn the phone to silent and set "boundry's" as to when I will chek my messages, and when I will just "Let it Go"...
We are all human here, we are make mistakes, but you will see that thru this program.. "At least for me" :) the more I work My Program, the better I am with the Tools of the Program, the better "Think" time I have, and the better "Keep Mouth Shut" I am... For me that is a tough one, because I have always been a "Reactor" so for me to step back ,and just NOT have an opinion of what someone else is sayin/texting... Keeps me out of "Their" Problems, and safely planted in my own...
Sometimes Making ammends for what I did, also helps me, and makes me feel good that I was Honest about my thoughts and my reaction... Hope this Helps :)
Go easy on yourself - we are all human. Your post clearly says exactly what you need to hear. You didn't fall on your face - you fell back to step 1 - you are powerless over what others do and sometimes do things you wish you hadn't as well. We all do it.
Snooping makes me feel the same way and you stated that you are going to make amends which will help you and your abf through this situation. The amends will help ease some of the guilt you are feeling. Boundaries will also help avoid some of this in the future.
For me it was so helpful to listen to the yucky feelings after situations like this - it is really helpful in preventing future mishaps. Before I didn't have yucky feelings about MY actions - it was all someone else's fault. Once I shifted my focus onto myself and started taking some responsibility my heart guided me when I did something unsavory and my recovery helps keep it in line but also understand that I am not perfect either. Progress not perfection. Own it, apologize for it, learn from it, and move on.
The neat thing is that when my exA and I were actually working recovery together and trying to communicate better - these situations helped us grow closer. The honesty, ownership, and amends was so different from our past and it felt soooo good to be doing things in a new way.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
aww ((( sunshine ))) there is no reason to apologize here for sharing honestly about ur feelings, they are yours, they arent right or wrong but they do need to be felt, acknowledged.
My bf is a chemist (doctor) and he has a very intellectually taxing job. He is also codie and gets distracted and baited by the hooks of others... Ive told him to not read his mom's emails at work (bc they are often drama filled) and it gets him emotinally disrupted and then he cannot function properly and it ruins his whole day. I told him a year and a half ago, when I first moved up here - that he needs to have booundaries at work and choose to not take those calls (or meails or texts) bc u have a job to do and u need to funtion properly. At home, when u are ready to, u can read her texts then or u can save them to read until the weekend, whatver works for you.
I had to learn: just bc the phone rings, I do NOY have to pick it up (for my personal life) - bc I did hair and answered the phone too. A ringing phone means someone wants to give me money, so I would jump everytime it rang. You could also give her her own ringer, so u know before u look, it has her sound and detach. YOu are not obligated to carry her fear messages (about her son) to her son. You can put down a imaginary draw bridge - when u dont want to be bothered, keep ur "door-bridge" closed. Handle it on your own terms.
Plus this was valuable expereince for you - u can see if u fall into the worry/fear trap (projecting about future events - FEAR: future events are not real) where that leads you - to feeling badly about yourself unnecssarily. BAse ur decions of ur own behavior on how it will leave you feeeling about yourself in the end. If u want trust and privacy, then exercise that with him. Idk, I am speaking loftily as I live with a codie and not anotehr A. Honestly, I couldnt do it with an A, anymore - I couldnt have a sexual and loving (partnership) relationship with an A, bc I cannot let go - I cannot stand the lies, I would rather be alone - at least I dont yell at me lol. But I came to that decision, for me - it is up to everyone us to do what is right for them - I can only speak on, what is right for me. You have to look to you to know what that is, so u can communicate it (first with you, then HP, then others) and attain it.
Slips are a part of growth, it is how we learn. It is an opportunity to re-evaluate and re-commit to YOU and ur own program. Dont kick you, forgive yourself for chekcing up - let it go and hand it over willingly to the HP of ur understanding. Im here for yya, sugar-call or text me anytime, ok?
Some days I had to -100 times in one day, turn it over, let it go and hand it to HP - u have to keep practising letting it go and more and more, u will take it back less and less (eventually). Right now u have to put on ur blinders and do what you can, what is in your control to change and be the change u want to see in ur life. You can do it, too.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am trying to let go... I am trying to not think about what is going on with him today. We talked last night after everything. Its just me feeling yucky about what I did.... :( Thanks all! I do appreciate your responses!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
You bought it here and exposed it...winner. If you have a sponsor take it to your sponsor for another winner...home group listening? another winner...ponder and meditate the 10 step another winner...Biggest winner? consultation with your HP and asking for direction and courage to do the right thing with it. Humility isn't humiliation...it is being teachable at all times. In support and hope you're in the group of people you learn to forgive. ((((hugs))))
I think sometimes we forget to stop and ask ourselves what and how we are feeling. Our feelings are a pretty good indicator. Learning to stop and feel them instead of doing what we've always done helps to change the focus and reach for something better..
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
