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I just finished my post and it disappeared, so if it shows up twice I apologize. Yesterday I found out that my "no longer an alcoholic" husband left our daughter alone while he went to the liquor store. The store is about 20 minutes away, round trip. The catch? Our daughter is only 9 and is cognitively delayed. I was angry and told him that under no circumstances was this appropriate. I was told that I was 42 years old, needed to grow up and realize that he is a great dad. I told him that as a teacher, I would be required to call CPS if one of my students told me this had happened to them. He told me he should call CPS on me b/c I said the "F" word in front of the kids (true, I am not proud of it...but I don't think CPS would be too interested). He told me that I wasn't thinking clearly b/c I am on Modulon for my bowels and since this is an opiate that crosses the blood/brain barrier I wasn't capable of making decisions. Al-Anon teaches detachment...I couldn't do it. Al-Anon teaches me to keep boundaries...well he crossed this one but I have no consequenses. I want himn to leave. However, he is mentally ill. What does a person do when their spouse is mentally ill and they can't take it any longer? I can't support him. He isn't working while he "recovers" and I am not making ends meet as it is. I am always waiting for that collections agency phonecall even though I make good money. I feel so lost and trapped.
I am new so no great wisdom from me. But I can understand your anger and frustration of him leaving your daughter alone. This is truly unacceptable.
In my mind, his threats to report you, just proves that he knows he was wrong but won't own up to it.
There must be some sort of advice that you can get on your legal standing to get him away from your daughter while he is in "recovery".
Money problems seem to be rampant with us Al-anoners. The stress of that is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. If I had money, I could do more things for me, like kick my AH out of the house until he faces his addiction, or perhaps permanently. All I can do is put it in the Source of My Being's hands and know that it will all be okay, however long it takes.
I have had to deal with the money problems, the stress of the phone calls from bill collectors was too much for me. I have worked out payment arrangements with them all. If the money falls short and I cannot pay my obligations, I will file for bankruptcy if I have too. The stress is not worth it.
I'm sure someone here can offer more concrete options, sending prayers your way.
Hang in there.
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They are sick and we are crazy. Crazy no more. Amen.
I'm so sorry this has happened. My A ex-H left our son alone too (for "only" ten or fifteen minutes -- or at least that's how long it had been when I caught him) when our son was three. I was in shock. He insisted there was nothing wrong with it. That's the last time I ever left him alone with our son when our son was young.
Of course they will deny anything's wrong in any way they can, throw it back on us, etc. That's the way the disease goes all out to protect itself.
I'm not surprised to hear that he's mentally ill, and in fact I think they're all mentally ill because that's what the disease does, even without other kinds of illness.
I don't mean to tell you what to do in any way, but just to say that you do have options. You're not obligated to take care of a grown man. The Salvation Army does have free rehab centers. If he chooses to go out somewhere other than a rehab center, that's his choice. But certainly he doesn't have to make any choices as long as he has a comfy place to stay with you. So they often choose to stay helpless, so we feel we have to take them in. My ex was supposedly self-employed, but made less and less and less until I was supporting all of us, and his life was a total shambles. We've been split up for seven years now and lo and behold, it turned out he could support himself after all, once the meal ticket was no longer available.
Again, not to say that you should do this or that. Just know that you do have options. I think when we have options, that's when we can choose what's best for us, not choose out of fear. Hugs to you.
What does mentally ill mean ? twisted thinking because of his drinking or truly mentally ill ? getting the focus off himself by accusing you of being on a drug is normal behavior from an alcoholic .. what can u do , find a reliable sitter for your daughter he is not responsible enough to look after her ..our kids count on us to take care of them and keep them safe .
I think he is mentally ill b/c he took himself off of Effexor and clonazepam. Before this, he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is now doing nothing to help himself (total denial that he was ever depressed or anxious, although he can't even go to work now). It is simply my diagnosis...maybe I am just looking for excuses as to why this wonderful man I married could have turned into this person I no longer respect or like being around. As for the sitter...I totally agree...the kids have a good sitter when I am at work. However, I guess I will just have to stay home the rest of the time for now...
i don't think CPS is at all interested in swearing. I've filed CPS reports as a crisis line counselor and the key issue is physical abuse and neglect.
I had my share of "threats" from the ex A. He was a master at them. He did carry out one or two of them when he felt slighted so be aware they can be vicious and retaliative.
Al anon can certainly give you lots of tools to help with your current situation. None of us simply opt out of these situations.
Detaching can help. In my mind I think it takes quite a bit of work and practice. Focusing on yourself and less on him, pretty hard when he is in constant crisis I know.
I lectured the ex A, plead, begged screamed. Nothing but nothing I did changed his behavior. He would from time to time feign change but it wasn't a pronounced surrender. I had to stop the obsessing. I had to stop turning my power over to him. I also had to stop spending my entire day in deep resentment at him. All of those don 't happen overnight. Of course when I first got here and people suggested that I was furiious, why should I do the work when he is the one with the problem.
I'm so glad you are here and reaching out for support, care and understandin. This is a great place and I hope you will come back often.
One day when I was working, my ex left all three kids alone while he "went to move his car". They were 2, 4 and 6 at the time. The four and six year old went outside to a neighbor's house looking for an adult when he didn't come right back. My two year old was home alone. The neighbor wasn't home, and the kids didn't know how to call my cell phone. When I found about this that night, he got mad that the kids told me. That was the last time I left him alone with him back then, and one of the main reasons he's now "ex". Endangering my kids is NOT an option.
He too has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Back then, he took the meds the doctor prescribed, then drank heavily. Or he'd double the dose, because if one was good, then two would be better and four would be awesome.
I'm now close to 50 (just over a month away), and living with my mother and my kids. We managed to sell our house before it was foreclosed. Can't tell you how many jobs he's lost due to drinking, or how many times he's been arrested for all kinds of things. Like me, the kids have learned their dad is not dependable. They still love him, they're learning still not to expect anything.
Alcoholism is a 3 fold disease mental ,physical and spiritual when drinking they just dont think right and depression is normal when alcoholism progresses as far as his not working , you mentioned he cannot work and recover , well hes not in recovery if he is drinking or using pills .. and with you taking on the load financially there is no need for him to work , where does he get the money for his booze if not working - your not the first to find yourself in this situation = again please find meetings for yourself. Louise
My exectations when i got to al anon were that I would 'fix" everything by my actions. These days after a couple of years in I have softened to a place where I try to navigate around the obstacles. We all have them. I live in a place full of addicts, alcoholics and people who are mentally ill. None of them function normally. I was at one time hopelessly over involved, resentful, angry and raging. These days I work on ways to navigate around the resentments. I expect very very little of the housemates. At the same time I have boundaries but they are not get help ones. They are if you cross this line there are consequences....you won't like. I don't have that many lines. I work hard on not interacting that much.
None of us get to this stuff overnight. When we have those expectations and set yourself up its a mine of resentment. Acceptance is a very hard thing. I raged, railed, wept and cried for a long long time before I was willing to accept where I am. I certainly can't say I'm thrilled about it. But I can say I feel at peace now and not so totally wrapped up in what other people do. I have to navigate very carefully not to get into the waters I was once in. I'm pleasant but not that interested anymore in hearing the crisis stories from my housemates (because they are by the hour) or the kind of interaction you describe the stabs that come inevitably when you speak to them. I can watch the stab remarks and let them go by. I can also very much limit what I say and how I interact.
Al anon brought me that level of peace while living in a unpalatable situation. I hope you give yourself a break and know that you don't have to fix all this right this minute. There are transitions for many of us, we don't all walk out, get everything together and sail off into the sunset.
I can tell you from experience and from a professional side, both those drugs are NOT to be just dropped.
I went off the effexor very slowly and still four months later am suffering the effects of going off it.
Klonapin is a very strong drug. My doc years ago wanted me to try it. I researched it further and refused. Glad I didn't.
Adding alcohol on top of it is honestly a HUGE situation.
If I were in your place I would definitely call his doctor. He is in your home around you, but even worse his kids. It is a dangerous situation.
Abbyal is right. A's love to turn it around and attack us for our "medicine."They have no concept of the difference of using drugs and medicine.
Looking at your situation for "me" is looking at a time bomb.
You know what you want, it is up to you to decide the how. My feelings always are if they can figure out how to get their drugs, they can figure out where to go to survive.
Your kids need to be protected.
I can tell you in Oregon, age nine can be left home alone> I believe that is criminal.
My ex long ago tenants left their 9 year old "babysitting" their 4 year old and they were in the pool! Sheriff said they could do nothing. oh brother.
You need some peace and know your kids and YOU are safe.
Just putting my 2 cents in here about clonazepam (rivitrol, klonpin). This is a highly physically addicting drug and must be tapered very slowly (experts say 10% every 1 - 2 weeks).
Mixing benozodiazepenes (like clonazepam, xanax, vallium etc) with alcohol can be very dangerous on many different levels. If your AH is suffering from anxiety or panic he needs medical attention now.
He cannot cold turkey a benzo drug, it is very dangerous (possible seizures, heart attack or stroke).
His doctor needs to be made aware of the situation asap and you and your kid need to be safe. This combination can be very volatile.
__________________
They are sick and we are crazy. Crazy no more. Amen.
