The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I woke up so down and had a big cry because I was thinking that by going to Al Anon meetings without my husband knowing and by spending time on this board is a form of betrayal. Why do I feel this way? My husband and I have always been open with each other for the most part, I think this is the first time that I'm separating from him to help myself, and it feels very strange. Too, I think if I tell him he will be very upset because he denies he even has a drinking problem so in a way knowing that I think he's an alcoholic will hurt him. I don't want to hurt him. I also worry that if he has the wrong reaction I will be made to feel bad so will compensate with him to make him feel better and draw away from al anon help.
Are my feelings normal for a new member? Did anyone here have similar feelings in the beginning? Was it hard for you to walk out of the situation and get help?
Of coourse it is natural, dooing something new does feel odd -we've never done it before. All new things are a lil scary and reminding me of that, helps alleviate the bulk of the fear. I love the acronym for FEAR - future events arent real. Reality is right now.
Yes, acoa's especially have this thing that they have to tell, it is almost a compuslion to tell others what we do -bc- we want their approval and validation. An A cant give you that, they dangel it and take it away. This is why you have to learn to take care of YOU and validate YOUrself. I was told that I had the most valuable and relevant opinion in my life. I didnt belive it b4 i was living it, but it sounded logical and I wanted to be healthy.
If u think it may start a fight and it just may - it is on a need to know basis. You are getting help for you, that is YOUr business. You are entitled to a private life and private thoughts. They say a lil mystery keeps them interested, at any rate. Focus on what u think and feel, and detach from what you know he would say. Hear ur own head, stop renting space for free to him in there.
Giving up on alanon is a choice. If u do that "bc of him" then u are choosing that - it is a form of self sabotage that we do. Besides u arent even at mtgs, ur just doing it online! Online mtgs do help but it isnt the same as face to face. At least you can say (if and when the alanon ever comes to light and he gets to try to manipualte you to stop) - that this is protecting his anonymity - its online, ur not talking about him anyway, here we talk about us, our feelings and our own issues, coping mechanisms that no longer work and the ESH that has.
Do it for YOU bc an A will never have your best interests at heart nor could they possibly know what is best for YOU and your life. It is YOUr life! Do with it what u will. Or beter yet, i saw jerry write yesterday, my life is my gift from god, what i do it with it, is my gift to GOD. YOU are worth it! and if u want to change and arent happy - that is totally up to you too. Peace, happiness, esteem and respect are inside jobs and you can do it.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
There isnt much I can add because Kitty summed it up perfectly.
I didnt have that feeling of betrayal, my feeling was more of desperation when I first came to Alanon. When I first entered the doors of Alanon, I could feel the peace and serenity wash over me, just by being in the room. I knew I was in the right place.
This is the change that needs to happen for you. You want to know a very interesting fact. I started Alanon in the early 90's, I had a sponsor, went to meetings. The XAH would see the sponsor sometimes drop me off. I started online Alanon a few years back, do you know to this day he has never asked me about Alanon. Were separated two years and he just mentioned it the other day, but he has no clue to what its about. So you may be worrying over something your creating. In any event, I hope you will stick with Alanon, this board has helped me stay on track, its a lifeline.
Wishing you courage and strength, Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 1st of October 2010 12:01:00 PM
Hi Dori, I'm new too, and I am having the same feelings.... I'm sure it is normal. I like what Kitty is saying, how we would want them to know and approve cause we want their validation. NEED their validation. I always wondered why I had this "need" to spill my guts to everyone... now I see it's cause I need approval... I feel like if people like me but they don't know ALL about me, then they don't really like me. Weird. I don't want my fiance to know about this just yet either, cause I 'm not ready to face it with him, not sure how to face it just yet.
The thing that won't let me back out now though.... is I know what happens when we try to deny stuff.... so far this reminds me of what I dealt with, with my last husband who was abusive.... kept trying to minimize, if I tried to get help I would back out and pretend or convince myself it wasn't a problem after all.... well the problems didn't go away; they DID get worse.... I always thought our situation was different but it wasn't.... so now I know when I hear others speak of alcoholism, they know better than me what to expect. EVERYONE has told me, this WILL get worse. I feel like I better follow the path that's been proven to help and not just keep living in denial. I like the feeling of denial, but reality keeps butting in and it hurts so much I know, I have to face this. =(
-- Edited by oklahoma momof5 on Friday 1st of October 2010 12:22:28 PM
I use to spill my guts also, when I was young and a long long time ago. When I was 28 and going thru a very rough divorce to my first husband, my daughter was 6 years old at the time. Well, he snatched her from me and I didnt see her for many years later.
This was the very first dramatic event that ever happened to me, up until then I was the charmed one. Eventually I went back to work, everyone knew about my misfortune, I told everyone that would listen. Well all it got me was judged. What kind of woman would lose her daughter? bla, bla bla. I learned a lesson. Only to build relationships with people I trusted. Only to spill the guts very carefully and to caring people I trusted.
Perhaps, the problem here is trusting people, I relate to that, but here in Alanon you meet the nicest, most compassionate people . Not until people have walked in our shoes do they understand. Here they have. Keep coming back and we will share our experiences.
Very common feelings.... I believe that one of the biggest reasons we need Al-Anon is to regain some our own self-worth... Many of us, particularly having lived through & around alcoholism, are beaten down - often times more than we even realize - and are not used to prioritizing ourselves.....
Al-Anon is for you, and it is good for you. Whether hubby accepts it, or gets upset, or whatever -doesn't really change this....
For me, my ex-AW was really angry that I was going at first, and that (fairly quickly) turned to support.... In their fear & paranoia, active A's often believe that Al-Anon is about "bashing the A".... the other reasons they don't want you to go is that deep down - they know they are an alcoholic, and are scared to death of doing anything about it (many fear sobriety more than they fear staying an alcoholic).... So if they were to "accept" your need for Al-Anon, then they in turn would have to accept that they have issues as well....
The old saying of "don't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread" comes to mine - if you are looking for an active A to validate you, or put your needs first, or be genuinely loving/caring for someone other than themselves - I think you'll be disappointed...
Time to choose recovery for YOU...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
kitty wrote: Besides u arent even at mtgs, ur just doing it online! Online mtgs do help but it isnt the same as face to face.
Yes Kitty, I am attending actual meetings, had my second one yesterday plus I come here to this board to get even more support. The hardest thing for me was to take that first step and muster up enough courage to walk into that place. The meeting is close to my house. I'm afraid one of my neighbours will see me walking into the building, but I will deal with it when and if it ever happens. I'm new at the meetings and feel I'm not ready to share too much of myself just yet, so it helps coming here.
Thank you everyone. I do read your responses and am taking a lot into consideration.
-- Edited by dori711 on Friday 1st of October 2010 01:05:03 PM
Just keep on keeping on. Going to meetings is whats is best for you, and you know that taking care of you is all you can do. Courage to change the things we can... That line rings through to me here. I have throught that through a million times since July. First I have to figure out what I can change, then I have to have the courage to do it. You are very brave to go to a meeting and maybe possibly be seen by someone. I don't think it is as big of a deal to people though. They may not even know what you are there for. And if they do, I am pretty sure that they are not looking down on you for going. Take care of you :)
Yes fear and guilt were normal for me also when I first started recovery. Both came with the nagging feeling that I could be or always was wrong about how I saw things and made decisions. When I started taking my own life back fear and guilt went away. What helped was learning how to say "for me" and being responsible to and for myself. The fear and guilt was put there by the disease and all of the insanity that comes with it.
You and I are in the same place. I've been lurking around the support boards and looking into meetings as well.
I haven't spoken with my W about it yet because I'm still codependent and have a history of backing down just to keep her happy. I want to make sure I have all the information I need and am solid with myself before I bring it up.
I've been reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and it is truly a life-changer. I feel that when I'm taking care of myself and can detach with love then I'll be ready to talk with her about it. It's my timetable that's important, not hers.
I do, however, feel like I'm betraying the relationship by doing these things behind her back. But then, it's better than walking on egg shells and living in stress and fear of another outburst.
I'm doing this for myself and I'm reaping the benefits.
"I do, however, feel like I'm betraying the relationship by doing these things behind her back"-steppingup
Welcome to MIP & alanon ((stepping up)). I understand exactly why u feel this way. I would guess you are acoa and grew up in the dysfunction as ACoA's do compulsively offer information (its a way to gain favor or be in "good graces" w/ someone)... this is bc we dont know what boundaries are. You are definetly entitled to a private part of your life and some private thoughts ~ even though u are married, it is reasonalbe to have some things seperate and privately yours alone.
Growing up I did get personal boundaries (my mom always always knocked entering my rooom (from infancy) and she demanded the same, I always had to knock) - as a teen I understood my own financial boundaries and I did have sexual boundaries -but- to think I could have had emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, professional & personal boundaries - was eye opening. Today I have boundaries in all aspects of my life. It is how I did come to experience emotional detachment (from the soup o' enmeshment) from my mother, family, freinds (etc) in the first place.
I continue to practise it daily - active detachment, following my boundaries and working on focusing on the one I can change - me.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It all goes back to what I was told at my first f2f meeting. Always take care of yourself first. Gosh what a hard thing for me to except. My focus was on the alcoholic where I thought it should be. Over time I came to realize I was the one who put "me" on the back burner. I needed to put the focus on "me". I needed to take care of "me' first. Hey, that's what the alcoholic in my life had been doing, so why not "me"? I changed my thinking and it changed my life.
Al-Anon is all about "you". Taking care of "you". Making your life better while living in the disease of alcoholism. We are as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in our life. We need help. We need recovery. F2f meeting is where to find the help you need and deserve. Don't feel guilty and don't let anything or anybody keep you from getting that help.
Yep your normal -- you attend meetings because his drinking is causing you a problem ,no accusations its the truth .. by not getting help for yourself you are helping keep the secret ,my husb told me that when I started meetings the only problem he had was that now there were 2 of us who knew he had a problem - he knew he had a problem but would not admitt it he just wasnt ready and he thought that he was fooling me into thinking it wasnt a problem.
