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After doing so good for awhile, AH has again fallen off the wagon. The stupid part is that with all I 've learned from alanon I still expected that just because he went for so long without drinking, it wouldn't happen again. DUH! At least I remembered that it's a waste of breath to talk to him when he's drunk. But I guess my disappointment still showed because he asked me ¨What's the matter with you today?¨ I wanted to yell at him ¨YOU are what's the matter with me! You and the fact that you're falling down drunk at 7:00 in the morning!¨ But I bit my tongue and said nothing. I was getting so good at dealing with this, but I guesss I got complacent during his time of being sober. So I have to brush up on my detachment and other tools I've learned here. Maybe if I just expect him to drink I won't be disappointed when he does and it will be a nice surprise when he doesn't.
Expectations and Hope are good. Just move the expectation , not this time, but maybe next time. Its ok. I believe we should live with expectation, if were doing the footwork , then we should have the greatest expectations for ourselves. Others may dissapoint us, but if we depend on ourselves for our happiness, we will never be dissapointed.
So its expectations for ourselves and hope for everyone else. Thats the best we can do. Ive played every mind game with myself about the A's drinking. Finally as I grew with experience and with the program, I came to know the reality of alcoholislm. It truly is a maddening disease for us and Im sure a crushing defeat for the alcoholic. Try to hate the disease not the man. Its hard I know . Even though Im apart from the A, I thought for sure a few months ago when the XAH almost bled to death from rupturing his esophagus, due directly to his drinking that this was it, here comes the bottom. Not to be! 60 days later , he is back to being drunk every day. Its a miracle he is alive. He is happy when he is drunk. He is only hurting himself, which is my opinon. His life and how he wants to live it is up to him, thats his decision.
One thing for sure your happiness shouldnt depend on whether he is drinking or not. I know you know this. Just a gentle reminder.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 30th of September 2010 08:15:01 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 30th of September 2010 08:27:29 PM
(((((Pineapple))))) you're doing okay. God girl you're human just like the rest of us. I did the same thing myself and had to learn more stuff like to allow my self to be pissed when the pain reoccured and to allow myself to voice out loud my thoughts and feelings in front of the alcoholic without capping the pressure. It's okay to not like living with a fall down at 7AM alcoholic just as its okay to love the hell out of them when they can stand up straight and smile at the same time without a wall at their back and feeling like they were getting the better of something or someone.
Keep in mind that being sober is the natural and sought after condtion not being drunk. Even a drunk in recovery can tell you that what they are supposed to be is sober.
In our literature it says, "We are not saints...or anything like perfect" so don't climb on your case when you fall back to being human. Yay you still have feelings and yay also that your can still speak out for yourself. When your voices says what your body is showing you're telling the truth. (((((Pineapple)))))
One of the most profound things I have heard in recovery , was a friend of mine who had been in program for 3 yrs , her husb sober the same amount of time ,she went away to visit her mother and her husb decided it was time to test his sobriety so he went out and got drunk , her sponsor phoned her and warned her . She returned home a week later her husb safely tucked back into AA and he sat her down and told her about going out again , she took his hand looked him straight in the eye and said I am sorry you have to keep hurting yourself like that , and got up and left the room . On speaking to him about that situation he said it was the scariest thing that had ever happened to him he knew in that moment that he was on his own if he was going down she wasn't going with him . he said he was prepared for the * how could u do that to us again * but it didnt happen , she left the problem with him where it belonged. She said she got up went to the bathroom got into the shower totally dressed and stood there and cried for half hr until water was cold , she had no idea where those words came from she didnt plan on saying them , figures she heard them from somone at a meeting and they stuck with her . she had managed to not let him know how afraid she was or how angry. Leave the problem with him and your going to be just fine . Louise
Pineapple, I know exactly how you feel. Somehow, the more time that passed between relapses, the higher my expectations and hope got -- and the more painful it was when they came crashing down again. This, of course, was in my pre-Al-Anon days.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Louise, thanks for sharing that with us, that really is profound!
Pineapple, I hear what you are saying. I know that when my abf slips I do too most of the time. I have been able to make some small but remarkable changes though, and checking on him is one big one. I used to call ALOT, now I only call a couple times a day. And if I know he sounds drunk, I just let him go. I don't worry the day away anymore like I used to. I don't obsess as much anymore, actually I am quite calm with him. I do have a problem biting my tongue if we are together and I know he has drank. I try to stay silent, but he can read my body language and figure out that I am pissed and then follows me around asking me whats wrong. SIGH. I am learning, and so are you. Take care!
Totally relate to your share as I too have had my expectations dashed time and again ( and I've got the t shirt to prove it lol) What I learned was I was turning my hopes into expectations and getting knocked down time and again. I will always have Hope but after more times getting blindslided than I can count now I work on a daily basis to keep it at hope and not to project an expectation. Not to say that keeps me from being disappointed but the fall isn't so far any more. I can expect to have my mail get delivered 6 days a week I can expect my garbage to get picked up once a week I can expect my debtors will send me a monthly bill ( and expect to get paid lol ) and I finally learned that until my son embraces recovery I can only expect him to act as the person he is an addict and I can expect all the addict behaviors to present themsleves. It took me a long time to stop trying to turn my hopes into expectaions but once I did I found I could accept my son much more easier and be able to separate the disease from the man. Hope any of that helped you, cause I know just how you feel Blessings
