The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so feed up with all the lies, the hidden bottles of whiskey, the roller coaster of false promises and let downs. Up til now it's always been me that has stormed off and had to live with my children, or in a caravan, but tonight my husband returned from a golfing holiday, walked in the door, told me how much he loved me, realized he needed to treat me different etc... half an hour later he had to go to golf club to put his gear away, i returned to the house earlier than expected, only to catch him with 2 bottles of beer and half bottle of wiskey shoved up his jumper. I cracked and packed his things put them in the car and asked HIM to leave. He would not - had to ring daughter and get her to come and eventully she got him to go to hers, but he has just arived back. I thought I had all doors locked but he found one open and arrived back in again. Have I any rights to keep him out - he is not violent - he has just decieved me so many times. I can't go on like this - I can't put my children through anymore and I don't want my grandchildren confused about it either. I need to be strong this time. He says he go to doctor tomorrow. He begged me to take him back. he broke down crying. I love him to bits, but I hate the drinking man - its like living with two completly different people. I can't live my life checking him out every time he goes out - is he in the toliet drinking again - Has he - Hasn't he. Can he really be cured. If I go with him to the doctors tomorrow will he get help. Will it be worthwhile? I'm at my wits end. I feel so useless, but I want to be strong, but I love him and want to help him. This has been going on for years and years. He is a secret drinker, my entended family know nothing of it. Do I keep him out and if so how, and should I go to doctors with him tomorrow?
It doesnt taste good to them unless they are sneaking the drinks. LOL
I was married 26 years to the alcoholic. Even with his off and on again affair, he would not leave. I kicked him out so many times, but he was just like a boomerang, he always came back a few days later. Finally I put my foot down, told him to get in the car. Found him an apartment. He has been there two years. Best thing I ever did. I also was at my wits end. One time he was so out of control and so was I, I told him to get in the car, I drove him to the driveway of AA, opened the door and screamed "Somebody Help this Man" There was a bunch of men outside, one man came over, his name was "Jerry". He said I will take him mam". Didnt mean he would stop drinking, still drinks today, but he goes to meetings and he is with people who understand him, Im a sober straight person, who cant completely understand the compulsion. I can try, but not really know. What I did I know is against all Alanon, but Im not sorry, he has his AA friends... I know what I did was really extreme, but after 26 years , it worked for me.
Have you been to a face to face Alanon meeting?? Have you started to put the program into practice, you might give it another try with your AH , but you have to follow the program and set some boundaries in order to make it work. Doesnt mean he will stop drinking, that is up to him. The best place for him is in AA and for you Alanon. Even Doctors dont have a clue about alcoholism.
The objective here is to get some peace and serenity for you. Thats a good place to start.
Please keep coming back, it works if you work it.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 30th of September 2010 05:02:58 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 30th of September 2010 05:10:48 PM
Aloha TI...your post is so very usual of the majority of friends, family and spouses of alcoholics. If you care to, read back to the post of many of the other newcomes who came here and vented their confusion, anger and resentment at the disease of alcoholism which is a compulsion of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body. Read the earlier post from a new member "can the alcoholic get sober on their own" and read John's response along with the others. Education about the disease you are up against is very very important. It helped me to arrive at the understanding that I was powerless over the disease and over the alcoholic wife I was married to and the alcoholic family I was born into. I didn't cause it. I could not control it. I cannot cure it. (the 3 cees). All of us arrive at our wits end and that is just where our Higher Power wants us, the point where we quit trying to fix "them" and get out of the way between our alcoholic and God. We learn to turn "them" over (to God) and go get help for ourselves because we have become as sick or sicker than the Alcoholic.
The suggestion I can give you was given to me. It is what I did and what worked for me 31 years ago. Call the Al-Anon hotline number from the white pages of your local telephone book. You'll either get a person or a recording. Listen for the meeting places and times where we get together and choose the earliest meeting you can get to. Come early so you can go to the literature display and look over all the literature on alcoholism that is available to you and get and read as much as you can as soon as you can...Many of us have favorites and it is all good so you can name your own favorite after reading. Find a chair at the table or the circle and sit down and participate if you wish...you can "pass" if you wish also...and listen, listen, listen. You will find you are not alone with your thoughts, ideas and feelings. Share if they invite you or again "pass" but after the meeting is over hang around for a while and listen to the talk after the meeting. Talk to others who are willing to talk with you and when you leave make up your mind to do as many of the meetings as you can for the next 90 days to help offset the years of trauma and drama you have already been thru.
Keep coming back here also. In support (((((hugs)))))
I love him to bits - tells me your not done yet , leaving will not solve your problem , as has already been suggested please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support from people who have been where your at , I am sure u have better things to do than follow him around to see where he is drinking or how much . neither of which really matter .. what matters is how it effects you when he does .. This program has changed my life and improved all of the relationships in my life . til u find a meeting keep it simple do the exact opposite to what u always do , if you normally ask if he has been drinking - don't ,if you search for bottles - don't find something to do for yourself instead , if you normally argue , don't . it has to turn out differently. the house will be calmer and most important so will you . The alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too ,we have a part in this mess and until we see what it is nothing wil change it only takes one person to change to create change and if we want change we have to be willing to create it . It can start with you ..
