how to change my own body language? - Al-Anon Family Group

Maize · Senior Member

how to change my own body language?

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Maize

How nice to have somebody interested in you, why would you want to control your attractiveness to anyone of either sex. You handled the situation nicely by telling him your involved.

Unless someone is verbally abusing you, or a downright homeless crazy person is approaching you, in which you dont make eye contact. You cant control what other people are going to say or do, plus you would miss out on a lot of nice interaction with the human race.

Luv, Bettina

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

growing up acoa - idk - I would feel compulsed to tell way too much of the truth - to people a lot of the time. Most ttimes, I felt good about it back then bc I thought I was being all honest. However, spilling ur personal guts - is uncomfortable to most other people, they will be compassionate but u dont "look good" doing that. (firends are diff, thats not what I mean). To other healthy people, when ur doing that - you look like u are emotionally spilling ur guts all over the place.

It is a concern if you are giving out information that you dont realize you are giving out. However, users/abusers do scope us out very carefully. They watch, wait, listen to what we tell them and we usually tell them a lot. I am sure that you need some boundaries for yourself. Boundaries give us the opportunity to - protect us when we are uncomfortable. If someone is asking you personal questions, u have every right not to answer. Say I do not wish to speak about that with you - that ought to be enough right there for most folks. They will accept the boundaries you follow through. No one has the right to any information about you - but in this day and age with the pc, everyone needs (or ought to think about their safety). For example, I have a myspace page up that I post pix to but I do not have my real name out there - no FB page for me either. (After my exAH, i dont even have bills in my correct name's spelling. It has been ten years now and I continue to safeguard my anonymity and privacy).

"No." is a complete sentence and you can say it without being mean and mean it. You do not have to tell anyone anything, if they are demanding or if they ask 100 times - the answer is still - no. Users dont care about our boundaries, the wont respect them and will ask over and over again, trying to find a weakness they can exploit. If someone cannot take no for an answer - this is a warning sign - I would not hesitate to call the police or say I was going to - if they didnt respect me and the premises and not bother me at work. But I have called the police in the past and I am not going to play games with others.

Ok so back to body language -- if you lean into a person, this shows interest. If you stare at someone, this is an invitation for them to come into your space. Yes, u have to look people in the eye and not avoid their eye contact - but staring is rude and might get an unwanted reaction or come on. Ive learned some street sense from my mom over the years and my aunt and uncle who are cops. If you look around too much and up and down (like a tourist) u are not observing ur environment (looking at the people and the buildings, space, exits, etc) - then others can see you are not paying attention. Users and crimminals have a developed awareness.
The reason we are good at reading people, is we focus on them. If u focus on someone else, u can determine how they feel based on their expressions, tone of voice, whether they touch ur hand when they talk (this is a way to calm people down - it can be manipulative). A's are expert actors and master manipulators. So it is best that u develop real boundaries, so if u feel uncomfortable, u know how to take care of YOUrself. You do not have to answer anything or tell anyone any of your personal business. I dont wish to speak about it - again, is all u need say or I do not choose to answer that. That is totally honest!

If you really woul dlike to learn to carry yourself with more confidence, I would suggest u call an aikido dojo - tell them u wish to observe, u want to learn how to have a strong, confident presence. A client had given me that suggetion (bc i was intersted in aikido (the only martial art based on how to defend yourself from an attack, using the attacker's momentum with simple evasion and as little energy exerted by you as possible). I read about aikido philosophy for ten years - partly bc I LOVE LOVE to argue. I wante dto learn how to be good in a verbal assault lol originally. Choosing not to fight, to evade an argument saves me a lot of energy, I can walk away and have more personal power for doing so. When i first began to say NO- it was a rush of sorts, felt like I was stealing time! bc there was so much I was no longer willing to do.
Anway this client told me to call an aikido dojo and bc of my natural enthusiasm for learning, they would most likely invite me to train for free. Well I did just that a few years ago and yes that is exaclty what happened. Sensei even gave me one of his personal training uniforms (bc i couldnt afford to buy one). Ppl are also more willing to barter with others then ever before the way our economy has tanked. There u will learn about self control and gain confidence. It is about self mastery, not fighting.

Practise your body language in front of the mirror, or bring a mirror to ur desk, maybe that could help. I know like attracts like. If we are nervous, openly vulnerable, fidgiting with your clothes - we are putting off a certain energy. (Ive got add/adhd, so I fidgit all the time, it can irritate others as well as myself). However, boundaries will help u combat this issue too.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For me it wasn't so much about "changing" my body language but bringing it into
balance or the condition I was taught that was "congruency". Big 75 cent word
that means when my thoughts, feelings, language, and behavior are all in line
what people hear me say and watch me do will be exactly the same. If they
listen to me they get the message and if they watch me they get the same
message and I no longer need to hide or lie or manipulate or con or try to
convince anyone else that I am or something is different than they suspect. I
become true to myself and in balance and things that I use to trip over are
no longer in the way. It is part being honest and open and like Popeye use
to say, "I yam who I yam".

Practice, practice, practice.

Only one of the feedbacks that you'll get from others is they either will know
exactly where you are at, at anyone period of time or they will not be able to
read you at all when nothing is out of whack. I love it when someone tells me
"I just cannot read you Jerry F" so I ask them..."So what's going on with you?"
and we focus in the other direction. (((((hugs))))) smile

Maize · Senior Member

Thank you all. I guess that is the thing, I have spent my life concentrating on everyone else. I see what you are saying Kitty, I can say no.... I just have to learn to say it. And mean it. I have a problem with giving in, and when people badger me enough, I let them have their way. Jerry, thanks, I am learning more and more each day...

oklahoma momof5 · Veteran Member

kitty wrote:

growing up acoa - idk - I would feel compulsed to tell way too much of the truth - to people a lot of the time. Most ttimes, I felt good about it back then bc I thought I was being all honest. However, spilling ur personal guts - is uncomfortable to most other people, they will be compassionate but u dont "look good" doing that. (firends are diff, thats not what I mean). To other healthy people, when ur doing that - you look like u are emotionally spilling ur guts all over the place.

I do this too!! AND Maize, I seem to have a similar sign on my head like you said.... attract crazy people and victimizers. I learned in domestic violence counseling that they scope us out for that very reason, looking down, fidgeting, then spilling our guts to anyone who will listen. What is it about being acoa that makes us like that?

How funny, my brother has recommended martial arts to me, too. Must be a really good idea to try something like that.

It's hard finding a balance. For a while I got good at copying my ex husband's mannerisms. He is native american and also a marine. I copied his stoic silent way, and straight face. That was just to survive. There must be a way to stay friendly but not get trampled all over.

PS Maize I also think you handled this situation perfectly. =) I understand the fear of not being confident in these kind of situations, though.

ythannah · Senior Member

I'd like some of that -- I have the exact opposite problem, I initially present as being very aloof, according to a long ago friend who shared her first impression of me.

Being perceived as unreceptive has always been a big hurdle for me in dating, as very few men seem willing to approach me (other than addicts, for whom I'm a magnet!) and that awareness is part of what kept me in unhealthy relationships longer than I wanted to be.

tlcate · Senior Member

Yep, Jerry took the words right out of my mouth.

Make my insides match my outside. If my inside in healthy then my outside will be healthy too.

That's what I am working on.

I used to be called aloof too, ythannah . . . What I really was was scared and insecure and that shines through to addicts like a homing beacon.

Tricia

Maize · Senior Member

Why is that Tricia? I don't get it I guess. I feel as if I am just being a human being talking with other human beings, and these addicts just find me out! That is why I think there is a sign on my head... I am working on making first my brain teach my body to relax (a very hard thing when I have PTSD and panic attacks for NO REASON) and then work on the relaxed healthy body make my outside body lanuguage healthy too... I am having a panic attack right now, for no reason at all and so getting that to stop would be a tremendous thing.... Breathe Maize....

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

this may sound new but the reason they can feel you out - yes just like a sign- is the energy. We put off energy that others can feel subconsciously. Some ppl are attuned to it and understand it (when u gain self mastery - like police officers for example, they feel out the energy and can practically anticpate crimes - they have to literally think and feel like the crimminals do - anyway thats what my aunt sd who has been a cop for over 20 yrs).

This what jerry was mentioning when we said the inside matches the outside. When we are sick, emotionally upset - we put off that vibe subconsciously - just like if I dont like myself - I put that off and out to the world, subconsciously. We have two drives going all the time, our subconscious mind and our conscious mind. If u are upset and talking about being upset - u put off a very strong signal - this is what the A's literally feel.

I get ur anxiety and I suffered from it for most of my entire life - from a tween (9-12) to in my late 30's when I was trying to work on it, here in program. I found that my anxiety stemmed directly from me feeling - helpless & powerless to help others (bc I have no control over others) and when I looked into the future - again bc we cannot control the future, no one can -- it drives u crazy to try.
So u can pay attetnion to ur thoughts and notice, is it on the future? is it on other people? if so - redirect ur thoughts to something you do have control over - YOU- and set out to see what kind of a change you can make, so that you can feel better, right now/today.

If ur having panic attacks, u are big time getting over whelmed. We can only do one thing at once - focus on YOU, breathe, see what you can to do allow u to feel better.

I have adhd/add and if I dont write things down - forget about it, I forget even daily things that seem obvious. Take ur time, there is no rush for anything. Focsu on what you can do, one day at a time. I'd love to talk to you more, I sent u a PM.

take care of YOU!!

Maize · Senior Member

Kitty, I do know what you mean by energy. I call it vibes, but it is some kind of energy. I know dogs and cats can read this energy too.... I guess I need a lot of work, but I am progressing... THank you so very very much. I am glad I am not running around with a sign on my head, but that it is something I can work on and change....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.