The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, This is my first post here and I don't even know if this is the kind of topic to start here, but I am just wondering..... I am so in love with my fiance but his drinking is getting worse.... maybe it's always been this bad but since we are living together I am seeing it more? I think he's trying to drink less because he knows it's causing problems, and he doesn't seem to be able to slow down.... I think he's drinking secretly now.... definitely don't want to complain to him or start a confrontation, and don't know what to do..... ??? Thanks for any and all wisdom you can share.
Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us.... I would humbly suggest you educate yourself with what you can expect going forward - most (99%) alcoholics cannot "control" their drinking ongoing, as it is a progressive and destructive disease.... There are dozens of great books that can help - maybe try getting your hands on a copy of "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.
Take care, and keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
welcome! If he is hiding it, then it is a problem. They lie to themselves and are in denial, so it is good udont want to confront him, bc it never works! and ultimatums backfire. If you confront the A, they will only lie about it (most likely).
We say try alanon for 6 months to a year before making a life altering decision ~ they should not be rushed. Practise focusing on YOU and take ur life back from the disease, one day at a time. Learn about the disease and what enabling is. Focus on YOU and determine your own needs (versus ur wants, fantasies). Set boundaries and follow through on the consequences- for YOU and change what YOU can in your life. Over time u will see more choices and u will gain clarity, if u take those steps.
We cannot feel-deal- heal for others, this we can only do for ourselves. Glad you found us. No one can tell you what is best and healthy for YOU. No one can stand up for you and know what ur experiencing. This is YOUr life and your experience. This is a progessive disease, and it is for us as well as enablers. So we say, detach with love bc each one of us can only feel-deal-heal for us, not others. As much as you want to help him and it is confusing -- the best way to help an A is to get a solid program of your own and keep your side of the street clean. Accept that adults will do as they please and no amount of manipualtion will stop them, it only feeds the disease when we could be working to do soemthing positive, constructive and empowering for us. If I focus on me, I am doing me - if I focus on what others do or dont do - I am wasting the efforts and energy I have to live out my best life, choices and experiences.
Glad you found us and yes ur post is very appropriate! WE also have a chat room w 24/7 chat and two daily mtgs. ppl stream in all around the world at all times of the clock. Hope u stay for the miracle!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
There is plenty of great literature, Courage to Change was the best thing I found when I first started about 2 months ago. If you can find out more about Alanon, you will see what the program is for those of us that are in a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic. I take things one day at a time and though I slip and relapse into obsessing about my A, those days are fewer now that I am concentrating on my own work in alanon. This board is a great place to come. I can't get to the in person meetings, so this is my meeting. I have learned so much since July. Take care of you, and find out all you can from the literature...
Glad you are here. I wish I had been in Al anon before I married my ex AH. But he was in recovery and I had NO clue.
YES education, Getting Them Sober is great, face to face meetings, the more you know the better you will be able to make decisions and make better choices how to react to the A.
I was hopelessly in love also. Took just a few years for the disease to kill it. Sadly this disease gets worse and worse. And yes, when we live with anyone, we learn so so much.
Hi and thank you for your post :) I'm glad you found us :) I would suggest you read the message boards as they are constant reminders to me as to what the disease of alcholism can and does do to a family not to mention to myself :) I heard someone say "I dont know what my life will look like with an alcholic or what the future holds" and someone answered "you dont, look at what your life looks like now and there you have it, only being a progressive disease you can count on it getting worse"...those words hung with me. Without recovery that is a certainty. I have never read or heard of anyone saying different. Learn all you can about addiction. Read everything you can. Whether you stay or go its a personal choice but the more educated you are the better you will be able to make those choices...thanks and glad you are here :)
Thank you everyone for your responses.... I am so glad I found this message board. I read some pieces of the Getting Them Sober book online and I'm gonna go out and buy it today... definitely something I need to read... have done work on codependence in another relationship with a domestic violence counselor but didn't get very far.
I tried to break it off with current fiance this past weekend but found myself actually apologizing to him and trying to convince him (drunk at the time) not to break up with ME. Sooo.... clearly have some work to do on myself before making anymore big decisions.
He knows I am not a fan of his drinking so I guess I'll see which direction he goes with that. (He got *kinda* drunk again last night) Right now I'm gonna hang on to the hope that this isn't as bad as it seems and wait and see what happens. And keep learning from all of you. (((hugs))) and thanks for welcoming me here.
Denial is the cornerstone of our disease. It is as bad as you think -but- listen carefully now - what we focus on -grows and manifest the next day. Focus on YOU, the only one u can change or control and do not focus on what he is or is not doing. (The A has to face the addiciton within themselves, we have to learn to stop enalbing and get our own life back). We either accept reality or we fight it and fighting is creats resistence = tons of pain.
Read that book and keep reading the board. If u cant get to f2f we have two daily mtgs in the chat room. If u need an impromptu meeting, say so - we are in there having one right now!
Listen, learn and figure out what YOU can change to allow you to feel better right now/today. You are not alone with this anymore.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can only urge you to do all the things that have been previously suggested. If you want to know what is like living with an alcoholic well you are getting a taste of it now. Rememeber it is a progressive disease and only gets worse until or if the person is willing to seek recovery. The traits you can expect? Lieing, cheating, hiding, blaming ( it will always be someone elses fault) are just a few. Learn everything you can about this disease, get educated, get to meetings I would work this program at least 6 months in which time you will have greater knowledge and persepctive on what you are or not willing to live with. No one is going to advise you to leave your finace. That is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself. But by working the program and gaining knowledge whatever decision you make will be made with full knowledge of what your life is going to look like going forward. Blessings to you in your recovery
