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I`am so frustrated as I talk with her and listen to her talk about her life. I`am sorry but there is no serenity today as there was no serenity the other day when I realize there is just no limits to her denial. When I think just the other day we had seen a counselor together that said directly to her, "don`t bring any men home to meet your daughter" its just not good for her. The child is desperate for male attention and ever man that has been in this childs life has left. She has felt tremendous abandonment esp by her father. My daughter is addicted to male attention, her cell phone is ringing of the hook with guys calling or texting her. She calls them all her buddies. Every week or so she`ll meet someone new and go out and sleep with them immediately. Then she`ll be calling them or meeeting them, looks like chasing to me or whatever she does. I have tried to talk with her about her having a possible problem at one time and of course this went no where. Now last week`s new guy comes over the house early in the morning today for breakfast with her and my grandaughter and a free piece of her... My d tells me how happy my gd is and I was disturbed to say the least. I said, I thought guys werent going to be coming into the home .. She gets all bent out of shape and wants to hang up on me. Then she says, well, he won`t be around he has to go away for awhile his phone will be off for 2 weeks. I want to say "smarten up" !!!! Hes probably not going anywhere, just doesnt want to hear from you till he wants another freebie. Like they all do... I just don`t get it.. The denial is almost like being insane. She doesn`t seem to live in reality. How can she not see what happens time and time again? I don`t believe alcohol has anything to do with this. Its her disease... God I wish I could help my gd, because my d isn`t capable when I see her actions.
However we learn it is not, "when will the A get it?" It is when will "we" get it.
Here is a simple analogy; The A is like a flashflood, heading for the town, destroying everything in its path." I invite you to picture this.
What can we do? NOTHING.
Our A's are the same. We cannot tell a flashflood anything that will make any kind of dent in its path. We cannot tell or expect anything of an A either.
All we can do is look at our own life, our own inventory, choices etc and work on them. What the A does is none of our business.
All you can do for your g daughter is be a grandmother. Never putting mom down, mom is sick.
It is up to you to say to the A daughter that you do not want phone calls or conversations about her choices, her life.
You can make it so all you guys share is when to pick up g daughter etc.
hmm. I am not an A but as an acoa I have acted in every way u can possibly imagine with all of the a-isms. I felt empty and like no one loved me. I didnt realize I didnt know how to love me, when I first began to try at 36 yrs old. Before that (most esp years before, when i was in my 20's) I would have said u were dead wrong.
The problem here is, u cannot think for your daughter. If she thinks she is unlovable or deserves less than, no amount of talking to her will convince her otherwise. In fact, if someone is in denial, the more u mention it, the more it buries that subject for them and they KNOW you are plain wrong. You know if you have been in sales or wtvr, the more u try to convince someone of something they are not interested in, the more they dont want to hear you, at all. And you appear like this ranting fanatic.
This is what the A and codependent dynamic is all about. Bc the A says to themselves, 'see how emotional and nutty they are, they are the crazy one, Im fine' which in turn gives them an excuse to use. Which makes u feel more pity, empathy, pain for their choices and try to own it for them, being responsible for them. Then ur life is all focused on them and ur life is vanished into the vapors. We are what we think and do. Our thoughts make up the perceptions that shape our lives. Feelings, issues, attitudes.
I know as a mom you feel responsible. I felt responsible for my mom - as a kid. I felt entitled to show and tell her how to live. Her choices are not my choices. A few yrs ago, i began working my program here like my life depended on it. After four years into it - I began to be so focused on me and my choices and my program and all of the work I was doing, resolivng my past issues and feelings thru the steps and forgiveness work and loving myself and you know what happened!!! I realized I had been gauging her life by what I thought was right (for me). I was measuring, comparing and judging her and her choices. Afte spending time doing me and not her -- it came to me that I can accept her choices and her life without judgements. I can love her and not be grading her or comparing her or me.
I had been implemnting boundaries and I discovered respect as I stood up for me. I also learned patience and that anything worth having is worth working for and waiting for. Once I got busy with my life/program and got out of tomorrow and yesterday and actually began to live and love me and my life - I quit telling others how to live theirs. Suddenyl they all wanted to be around me. My mom calls me for advice now! Its like what planet am I on? It all came from me not trying to manipualte or control my way thru life anymore. It meant being accpeting of life on life's terms and others people's choices, being alive and loving in the NOW (right now is reality) and making me the priority in my life. This is the life/gift god gave me. It dawned on me one day, that I was wasting it by not living it to the fullest and being focused on others, only was an excuse not to make a change that will allow you to feel better, right now. It was a victim mentality. Putting it off on them, just like they do to us - blame shifting & pointing the finger. I wont be someone's excuse anymore, I am too focused on being hearlthy and positve for me, which is a full time job. Lovingly detach from what she is or is not doing and work a solid program and find peace and recovery. This truly is the best way to help your daughter and your gdaughter.
Right now she doesnt love herself and she is medicating it with men, sex drugs wtvr. If you point the finger and are critical, it just feeds the disease for you and her. Learn to seperate her from the disease, learn about the disease and how to stop enalbing, learn to assert hearlthy boundaries for what you can change and control and learn to detach with love and give her the dignity to sort out her own issues. She is the only one that can but with your loving solid program too, you will be healing and be a healthy place for your grand daughter. Please practise focusing on the one you can change and control ~YOU!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I pray for your serenity. You can't change that your granddaughter is not growing up in an environment up to your expectations. You can't change that your daughter has a disease and does things that you don't approve of. The reality is, she's a grown woman and has her own child, even if she doesn't act like it. That's her life and how she is choosing to live it right now. Until SHE CHOOSES to live it differently, ON HER OWN, nothing will change. That's that. Accepting that is hard! That's why we're all here.
I hope you realize and start working on changing what you can- YOURSELF. You can't control other people. You can't play God for the welfare of your granddaughter. You can control yourself and how you react to your daughter. I hope you find the wisdom to know the difference between these things.
Do you attend meetings?
I know how awful it can be, how stressed you can become, how sick the situation is. In the matter of a week, my A/BF relapsed and sold literally everything of value (shoes, truck, dvds) lost his job and wound up in jail. This left me at 5-6 months prego and a full-time student, unable to afford my apartment & breaking my lease. In just 5 days my world was flipped upside down. Not to mention the things he stole from me... Wanna know something? I let go. I'm not mad at him anymore because I let go of him and took care of myself. It took him a month or so, but he took care of himself and is working his program now, ALL ON HIS OWN. Because I let him. I stepped back, shut up, and lovingly let him dig a hole and climb out of it without going anywhere near that hole.
I continue to have to work on myself. I always will to be able to live in serenity. He's a loaded gun and that's just the way it is.
Its all one disease, the drinking the sex, its all a compulsion. She will pay the consequences when her daughter grows up and can make a judgement. Right now its her Mommy and she loves her no matter what.
Unless you want to make yourself miserable and be unhappy a great percentage of the time, nothing is going to change. I know you worry for your Granddaughter and I know you are there for her when you can be, that is all you can do. Pray to your HP, let your daughter go. Or it will become a war and a show of wills between you and her. Its enough to know that you know that what she is doing is harmful. We dont have to get them to admit the error of their ways. They have to come to an understanding on their own, without our help.
Keep sticking with the program and you will see progress.
wow, great responses on this thread, ladies! (((( sams gram )))) I can see how odd this seems, this esh of ours. I too thought, wow I dont see how this can help - not helping but that is exactly what the A personal;ity needs, otherwise they resent us for helping them - period. It is very black and white with A's. It is up to us to learn about us and all of the different shades of grey and possibilities. As long as she sees things as one way or no way - that is her choice. As long as she uses and is feeding her disease - any amount of "help" that is not -tough love- will be taken advantage of and it will be turned around on you ultimately for attempting to help. The disease holds us hostage, until we choose to do something else. Take care of YOU, welcome home and keep coming back, it works when we work it!
You are not alone.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I quess I know you are all right but I FEAR that her daughter will end up just like her mother. Who will show her this is not right? The child already is so needy for men just like her mother. I just feel someone needs to help show the little girl a healthier way. I still feel very sad today but know I can not to a damn thing about any of it. I`ve been praying for years. Maybe its like you say. Not in my time. But what about he child?Last nite the little one called me to say good-nite and her mother hurries her off the phone saying, your going to break my phone! So the little one ends up just getting nervous trying to talk fast then hangs up. Apparently mother must not have wanted us to talk.. This child is a nervous wreck already.
