The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay...love to hear a vote. I will try to get through this without using any four-letter words. So I stuck by my AH through ten years of BS. Then, he quits his anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. Now he can't work b/c of the withdrawal. So here I am supporting him financially. I get the phonebill and he is calling a particular person. This person is a female from his past. She was a good friend but they always liked each other a little more than that...it all started a million years ago in middle school. So anyways...while he was actively drinking, he would call this female and rip me apart. He has told me this...she was his sounding board about how hard he had it with his wife, his special needs daughter etc. When we almost called it quits, he agreed to cut all ties with her b/c it made me very uncomfortable and I was so hurt by the stuff he had shared with her. Now I find he is calling her again. He claims he needs to tie up loose ends from when he was using the benzos. He feels like a totally different person now and wants people to see the real him. However, this "tying up of loose ends" took at least two phonecalls of 45 minutes. He sees nothing wrong with this. I DO. I am so angry I could spit nails. She lives far away (different province), or else I think I would have more to worry about. So...let's see...does being in recovery and making amends means you get to re-establish old relationships that are hurtful to your wife? Does it take a genius to figure this out?
I have come to believe that the disease does whatever supports it. I also have come to realize that early recovery commonly means and increase in the insanity. I'm sure 'upsetting' does not even begin to describe how you feel about your husband spending so much attention on another woman.
It's too soon to know how this may or may not unfold - this is territory for you and your higher power.
I'm glad you are here, keep working your program- it does get better!
I have to ask myself "If he's planning to make amends, wouldn't he let me know beforehand his plans instead of explaining himself only after I found out... IF I found out?"
This behavior is precisely why I gave my exAH a quacking duck noise as his ringtone. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it IS a duck.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thanks for venting with us.
"When we almost called it quits, he agreed to cut all ties with her". If he's calling her, that's a deal breaker!!!!
It's up to you to decide what your boundary limits are. I would think it would only take one final call to tie up the loose ends and make amends. IMO, a married man shouldn't have amends to make to another woman anyway. For me, the disease never allowed exceptions in that field.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think its drunk dialing, but its still hurts. Like Christy says its up to you.. Whatever your boundary is .
At least he is not hiding it, My XAH, never even told me he had a cell phone, I discovered it!! Years later. This is when I uncovered the affair he was having off and on for 10 years.
You shared you are paying the bills, including the phone bill. Is this saying you are also irritated that you are paying for calls to another woman?
I like to play reversies. How would he feel if you were calling and talking to another man?
Everyone gave great feedback.
Bettina cracked me up when she said she would call her. There was a time a looonnnnggggg time ago I sure would have too.
I can tell you I was and am at the tail end kicking anti depressants. I tell ya it is soooo miserable. Psycho honestly.
I believe that a person in recovery is doing their best to mature, to be honest, make good decisions, honor vows etc.
Is it honoring vows to be calling another woman, forsaking all others?
Is it mature to call other women, knowing it hurts your wife? Is that honorable?
For me, if it was me, it would come to that, I cannot control anyone elses actions or choices.
I would not keep a friend, husband, sister or brother if they chose to do things that hurt me.
I believe in having relationships with people who I can accept their behavior as is, and love them.
ex I had a friend who took in some loose cows. Kept them. Police came later, she lied and said she bought them. She would keep things that the store forgot to charge her for.
I told her I could not longer be her friend. And I have not been. If I had kept being her friend, I felt I was condoning what she did.
For me husbands are no different. IfI cannot live with what he does, detach from it, I won't live with him, and I didn't.
In my experience your A is not in recovery. He is just the banana bread with out the nuts, still banana bread, still A.
When we are doing things we know are wrong, we may think up things to make them see ok.
For me, it is never ok for a husband to be talking intimately to another woman. It is asking for trouble.
I will share I had a relationship like that. I was that woman. I realized how wrong it was and stopped it. For some reason he has a need for her, period.
a vote :) personally I wouldnt bother calling the ex friend, why? to tell her what ? but thats just me. Thinking that whatever I say is going to make a difference in what he or she chooses to do is just well..people do as they wish. The only thing that you can do is review your choices and what you are willing to put up with or not, pay for or not and the list goes on. :) Its your life and live it with choices best for you. thanks :)
I find myself in the same boat with people who just aren't ready to move on. I tell them that I am ready to be done with whatever action they are taking. My mom --- continues to try to run my life and can't stop trying to tell me what to do. My sister --- was on and on with this everything is great and then she whops me with a "when we were kids you did this and I'm so upset" after apologizing for the hundredth time, she still tries to bring it up or bring drama into my life one way or another. My AH --- is going to get clean and be the dad he never had. but everytime I believe him, he goes right back into the streets and starts using again. I know they aren't the same situations but at some point I realized with each one of them, that their behaviors aren't going to change. the only thing I could change was me. It is so madening riding on other people's ups and downs. So as I realize what is going on, I start to make little adjustments to how I react or act based on the situation. I've found that in the long run, those little actions can lead to a much bigger change in all of our lives!
