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Last year my AH relapsed and went on a major bender, cleared out his retirement account and left me. Within two months, he got 3 dwi's in 3 different counties. In any event, he did jail time, was in a special program in the jail for alcoholism, I took him back in after jail cause it seemed he was working a program and all seemed well. Also during this time, my addict daughter neglected her kids and I got custody of them. In any event ,AH knew when I took him back that there were to be no more relapses. If he did, my boundary was to call his po and let her know. Three weeks ago, he relapsed and has been going strong ever since. I called his po, but like others, he was able to keep it under control to fool her and his treatment center. In any event, he has been drunk in bars, slit his wrist in front of me last week in the shed, where he sometimes sleeps when he blows what little money he has left in the bars. Other than that, he has not been home in 3 weeks.
Well, Saturday morning, AH came out of the shed, he was again sleeping in there, said he lost his wallet and had no money to sleep somewhere. Later that night, he pulls up in front of my house with his good friend TL, who is another alcoholic who drives around with a huge cooler full of beer in his car. AH says since he lost his wallet the nite before, he wants his credit card statements to call in the cards stolen. I'm like "fine" and follow him upstairs to get them. I said to him "I want to see each statement you are taking" cause hey, you never know w/him, he could take one of my bank statements and have come skank call up pretending she is me (AH knows all my pertinent information) and they can get a debit card or something and clear out my money. I wasn't trusting the situation. Anyway, I see him sneak something in his pocket, so of course, when we go downstairs, I say I want to see it. He shoves it at me, says "here" and it's the last of his retirement money statement. I said "oh no, you are NOT taking any more money that will have to be split in the divorce!" He tries to wrestle it out of my hand, in the interim, cutting my finger somehow. In any event, I decide to give it to him, and not meanly, tap him on the cheek and say "use it wisely cause it's the last money you will ever get out of me" (it was not even in the remotest way a slap, just a slight tap as I said it, like "be gone"). Well, he starts screaming to his friend to call the police, that I hit him, saying "you saw that TL, she hit me!" and ranting and raving about calling the police. I go across the street to my neighbors, I say he's out of control, meanwhile he's out there saying we're both gonna go down and be arrested. Duh! I'm not intoxicated, I'm not violating probation, I didn't do anything, and he thinks we're both going to go down???? Anyway, I tell him just get out of there w/his alkie friend, he still screaming in the streets. My one neighbor, who is friends w/AH, comes over and says "this is your wife you're talking about" and AH goes off on how I'm not his wife, that I'm a 'xxxx' how I like to do all (graphic) sexually, etc. The neighbor/friend walks away from him and comes across the street to me and says "I'm sorry ..." he didn't know what else to say. So then AH comes over to my neighbor's house, spits at the ground near my feet and gets up in my face twice to try and intimidate me, guess cause I was calling is "friend" names. Anyway, my neighbor, a great guy who is on probation for dwi and hasn't drank in 4 years, really wanted to go at him, but was afraid he would be arrested to violating probation, so he called the police. The police come, they were gonna make him leave and notify his PO but AH starts saying "wait till I get out! i'M COMING BACK FOR YOU!!!" Well, with that, they handcuff and arrest him. He's in alot of trouble again now, and of course, it's all my fault according to him. And in my mind, I know it's not my fault, but he does have me brainwashed in a way that it is ... They really sometimes do a number on us mentally, that I don't think most people, even some in Alanon, can truly understand. But now I'm thinking ... well maybe if I handled things differently, like that tap on the face ... things would not have played out this way. I went to court yesterday morning, his bail is set at $2000.00, he does not have that as far as I know, and none of his friends would either. He called my son to bail him out, but son was like "no way". There is a stay away order in place, and his court date is Wednesday. They recommend I go, in case the DA has any questions for me. I need help in feeling that I'm not to blame for this...or am I???? Also, my granddaughters who I have custody of were not present for last week's incident nor this week's incident, they were at their aunt's house ... as far as they know, their "Poppy" relapsed and needed to leave. ESH needed please.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 27th of September 2010 03:20:36 PM
I know what you mean. My brother is completely out of control, but I still feel guilty for talking to his PO. It was either that or let him kill himself.
Be gentle on yourself.... you did the best you could in a situation of utter chaos.... "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time".... Hopefully he calms down while he is back in custody, as he does sound out of control at the moment....
If you can have a learning from this scenario, it is perhaps around not confronting/engaging an active alcoholic while they are drunk - easier said than done, perhaps, but always a good goal...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
He is responsible for his actions, just as you are yours. You cannot CAUSE a person to act as he did. (Unless you threw some magic dust on him) You really aren't that powerful.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this madness. You are so right living with this disease does affect our ability tod discern if we have done the right thing. I am glad you reached out.
You are powerless of this disease and the actions of the A. I had a similar situation with my son a few years ago and know how distressing this can be.
It took me quite a while and a LOT of writing like yours to see the truth for what it really was. One of the suggestions in the writings of Toby Rice Drews is to write down the truth and when you start questioning yourself - read it! I do it often. I keep the true story close each time I start to question myself. As I learn more about myself and see my true part in it - I update the story. I just make it about what happened - the actions - and leave their words and promises out. Really is quite enlightening. Helps me see my part, what I was responsible for, and see that the fantasy is just that . . . a fantasy.
I believed and accepted the blame whole-heartedly and carried the guilt like a rock. For example I was treated like the cheater and liar when I was the one who was cheated on. I actually carried guilt around for things that never happened and it made the offense to me fade into the background. Scary stuff! The truth will set you free.
It sure did me.
Let go of the rock and find the truth. Nobody deserves to be treated this way and learning how to protect ourselves (even from ourselves is a very valuable lesson learned here in the Al-Anon family.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
welcome Queenie , in my opinion you are taking care of yourself no reason to carry the guilt or blame for your husbands behavior . first he was drinking while one parole I don't think you funneled it into him . second he made a threat against you . his bail is his problem not yours let it play out the way its supposed to . remember the detachment pamphlet Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events . i think this situation would apply. Louise
(((Queenie))) I am sorry you had to go through all of that nightmare but someone else here said - be gentle with yourself. His actions are what got him where he is now - not yours. You did not hold the alcohol out for him to take and certainly did not pour it down his throat. Those are choices he made for himself and like or or not he may someday see that.
The blame game that the alcoholics play is nothing more than to assage their own guilt over their behavior. As long as they see we continue to take the blame they can continue to keep piling it on.
Go on Wednesday and hold your head up high - it will be painful to watch what happens to him but remember but not for his own actions did he end up there.
Prayers go out to you.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
queenie- I recently came out of a long, dark, painful season of chaos/crisis/craziness with my AH (60 days sober). Reading your story... I identified with the aching part of what you are going through and just wanted to whisper "I'm sorry."
A couple months ago, before my AH sought treatment, I read a book "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff, "a father's journey through his son's addiction". This quote from the book has stayed with me:
"I am in a silent war against an enemy as pernicious and omnipresent as evil. Evil? I don't believe in evil any more than I believe in God. But at the same time I know this: only Satan himself could have designed a disease that has self-deception as a symptom, so that its victims deny they are afflicted, and will not seek treatment and will vilify those on the outside who see what's happening."
Insanity, baffling, cunning.... it is an evil disease. I can identify with the wondering, the fighting with myself to understand what my part is, did I tick him off, something I did or didn't do that could have changed how he acted/reacted.... it is enough to drive us insane. We KNOW on one level, we are not to 'blame'. On another level, we still fight with it. Powerlessness. Another quote from the same book "Some of the panic in which I lived during those crises seems to have lifted. I worry, but I am not sick with worry. I'm getting better. I'm letting go. I'm in abject denial. It must be like a soldier in a trench during a bombing raid. I've shut down every nonessential emotion- worry, fear- concentrating every neuron in my new brain on the moment in order to stay alive."
I'm betting a lot of us who live or have lived with active alcholism can identify with this. Its an evil disease and its victims are not only the addict. Evil, but it does not always win. And I know because I sit in f2f meetings with people who have been there, who have suffered the same, who are ok and doing fine. And they tell me, you WILL be okay. You WILL get through this. It won't always be like this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a freight train coming to run you over.
Hang in there sister.... Know I will be praying for you. ~prisca
Feeling guilty and full of blame is what the disease leaves it's victims doing. There are no instructions written anywhere on how to exactly handle what you have gone thru so you did the best with what you had and are now second guessing it which is normal insanity for the disease. Keep coming back and learning and practicing and it will be replaced with confidence and self love. ((((hugs))))
I am sure you have heard the disease makes us sick too. You were confronted by insanity, it is not like we get a moment in those chaotic situations to think.
In time we learn to walk away immediately. We change things so it cannot happen in the first place.
But we have run ins for awhile. You though about wish ya would have done afterwards I am sure. That is a step!
The disease pushes buttons we did not realized we had. Forgive yourself for whatever you believe you did wrong.
Glad you came here and vented. I want to say good for you for protecting yourself. The disease will such down every dime as you know.
All i can add is thankfully someone called the police. Whatever you did or didn't so certainly did not warrent that kind of abuse at all. And I am glad no one is stepping forward to bail him out. Do what you need to do to keep youself on track and working your program. If suggested that I attend a court hearing I would do that..just to show myself that I can stand up and speak for myself. Your grandchildren need you to be healthy so they can grow up healthy too. Blessings
Yep, the sober one is to blame. In their minds are they that off that they can't see it's themselves they should be blaming. Hope it all works out for you.
is a very valuable lesson learned here in the Al-Anon family.