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I'm really bottoming out today....I haven't felt this depressed in a few weeks. This stuff about my daughter (which I managed to not think about for a few weeks) is really bothering me now.
Which brings me to the happiness concept. I still don't get how you can be happy when things are going wrong. And I mean large scale, big picture things. I can usually deal with little disappointments, dissatisfaction with certain areas of my life, but where is the happiness and joy. Again to use the same analogy....as I watch my house burn, how am I supposed to be happy? Because I got out? But my daughter got badly burned in the process? Ok we are alive...but to live what kind of life? One of suffering, frustration, sadness, entrapment? I'm having a hard time with this...and what's really bothering me is that whatever happiness I felt the last few weeks (and it wasn't alot...like I said more the absence of pain), was due in large part to ignoring alot of what was wrong...it wasn't getting fixed...I just stopped thinking about it. Is that good? I don't think so.
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed today. Glad you're here among family in recovery.
I think for me, being happy is being comfortable is accepting things that I cannot change, having the courage to change the things I can, and having the wisdom to know th difference. Just like the serenity prayer.
I went to therapy this week and was talking to my therapist about being stressed out about work. I have too many projects that are all due around the same time at the present, and am getting behind on some other stuff, and more stuff keeps piling up. My therapist asked if I'd ever considered saying "no" to one of the projects. He also reminded me that I ALWAYS have choices. Maybe the consequences are not desirable with some of the choices, but they always exist. The point was, if I say yes to the projects, I've really lost the right to then complain that I'm stressed because I'm overworked. I had the option to say no - even if maybe the consequences were undesirable. I chose the situation the way it is. There are always choices I can make about changing the situation - like telling one of my bosses that I can't do a project, or asking if I can involve someone else for support. Again, maybe undesirable consequences, but still choices.
Sitting and talking with my therapist or my sponsor really help me differentiate between accepting what I can't change and changing what I can. The things I can't change - someone else and/or their behavior - are things I can learn to accept if I'm willing. If I can't accept the behavior, I have the choice to set a boundary.
The point being- with the burning house - I think the miracle of it all for me is that before the program, I would've just sat in the burning house and smelled the smoke and watched the flames and not realized that I had the choice to get out. Yeah, I might've just sat there and gotten burned up. The program has helped me to realize that the house has a door and windows, and I am able to make the choice to get out.
Just for my own curiousity, do you just have one llama?? I have always been curious about them. I hear they can be bad tempered.. You know my X is from El Salvador and a nick name for people from El Salvador is Guanaco, which is Spanish for llama. Because they say llama's dont let too much pass them by. My X said they are quite nosey. Is that true???
Just wondering, your life seems quite nice, not many of us get to have a beautiful view. Especially living in the city.
Anyway, Sounds like you get great pleasure from your animals. I have two dogs, talk about unconditional love....
Thank you for your post and so glad your here :) We can only do better when we know better. We cant change the past, but we can change how we are in the present, once of course that we recognize it lol...I grew up watching my mom an unrecovered acoa. I always felt sorry for her and saw her as such a victim, she was always suffering and went into big bouts of depression. I as a young child tried to make her feel better...which as an adult i see was totally impossible. Once I found the program my first thought was omg...i am raising my kid as an unrecovered acoa myself...for me and the obvious personal reasons that alone was enough for me to make big changes in my behavior, along with my willingness to change my life as our recovery truly does affect everyone we come into contact with. Please hang in there, it really does work, a miracle of the program. blessings your way :)
Time to pull out that gratitude list my friend. As some said above happiness isn't going to fall into your lap. You are going to have to do the work to find it. I totally get where you are coming from MJ. I once had a close beautiful family, the job of my dreams, enough money that I was not rich by any means but neither my family or I wanted for anything. I was seriously living the american dream. Then due to a series of events that I won't bore you with it all came crashing down around me. And me being an unrecovered ACOA had no heathy coping skills to draw upon to get through it. I went into the deepest depression that in my wildest dreams couldn't have imagined. I was not suicidal but if god decided to take me up to heaven i would have been okay with that. I literally lost everything and a lot of people that I loved most in this world. I lost the love and respect of my daughter ( an adult) who was my mini me and only knew me as a strong confident woman. That is not what I became, in the depths of my depression I was unavailbe on every level to those who loved and counted on me. And I watched as my daughter moved out and completly detached from me even to this day. I watched my son turn further into his addiction without the energy or will to stop it (he's also an adult). I lost my dream job because i was no longer functional and because my husband is disabled we were down to living on meger disablity payments. I watched and was humiliated as we sold everything we owned of value go out the door. I just couldn't imagaine what the neighbors must have been saying about us ( in reality it didn't phase them at all). I watched as we voluntarily had our brand new beautiful cars repossed ( thankfully we had 2 other OLD cars that had been paid off yrs ago). I watched my husband who is and was my saving grace try and hold what we had left together. I lost myself completly. I was just a shell of a person. Thier was no one who could count on me. Talk about a burning house? Buddy i was there and then some. There was no happiness for me at all. And after all that how could I possibly find happiness again Well....... one morning i woke up took a couple of steps and fell to my knees and prayed to a god that I had left behind years ago. I begged for help and guidance and wouldn't ya know within 2 days I was lead to Alanon. And while I first started the program to learn how to deal with my son I have found by working the steps I have been able to apply them to all aspects of my life. And as I progressed the depression lessend and lessend. To the point that I am now fully functional and able to see and appreciate all the blessings in my life. My son is still an addict, my daughter remains distant, I've not been able to find a job to save my life. But....I have the most wonderful husband in the world who never gave up hope on me, I have my 3 dogs who love me uncondtionally, I am able to do projects around the house so when this darn real esate down turn starts turning back up we can sell our home and down size, I still have a roof over my head. And "things" are now not important to me, what I care about it being the best person I can be....I could go on and on. I worked the steps and my fellow alanoners have carried me through the tough times and cheered with me in the good times When they say Happiness is an inside job they aren't kidding. Now I come first and make my choices on whats best for me and my happiness. Keep workin those steps MJ and when things get tough lean on your HP his shoulders are strong enough to hold you up. Blessings
I don't know.....I can have moments of happiness, but until things get better for my daughter I can't be overall happy. She told me a few hours ago that "mommy calls me names and calls me fat (she's not at all) when she gets mad". What the hell am I supposed to do with that. I just told her it wasn't true, that when mommy gets mad she says mean things but to remember what I'm telling you now: "that you are the best little girl anyone can have, you are not fat and when mommy says things like that it's not your fault, it's hers."
Sorry can't be happy when stuff like this is happening. When it stops I'll be happy. Until then I'll have to content myself with moments (and maybe days) of happiness when this stuff isn't going on. We have our first therapy session for my daughter in 2 weeks. I hope she tells the therapist this stuff.
It is up to you to decide what to change. I changed what I could in my relationship and got a divorce. I am so much happier and my kids are too. There is no more arguing and chaos for them to deal with. You have to change what you can, and be there for your daughter. Reinforce what you know to be true, help your daughter understand the truth and know it for herself
As you have probably noticed I have followed and replied to all your posts. That is because although our circumstances are totally different I can totally relate to your "elusive happiness" If you don't mind I would like to share my story with you and hope that I can tell you something that may resonate with you and help you along your recovery process. By the time I hit the doors of alanon I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that happiness was an emotion I would never feel again. Due to 2 horrendous car accidents ( neither my fault) that I really never should have walked away from I sufferred and continue to suffer from PTSD. And believe me when I tell you I took depression and anxiety to a whole new level. I became so depressed that getting out of bed in the morning was a major accomplishment and anxiety so severe I would often spend the day in the fetal position praying for god to call me home because death HAD to be better than the mental pain I was in. Not to mention the physcial pain from the accidents. I was lucky enough to at least had one surgery after the 1st accident ( when I still had insurance) not so lucky with the 2nd accident that is still in litigation. I have in my neck and back 3 herinated discs and permant nerve damage on my whole right side. So i live in constant pain that has now become normal. How does one find happiness after that? My precious son is an addict and today sits in a jail rehab unit. We have told him that coming home this time is no longer an option. A heartbreaking decision we had to make and tell a child we would lay down our lives for. Although an adult (21) has never lived on his own, has lost all his jobs due to his addiction and lost all his friends. Who's emotional age is probably around 15 yrs of age since that is the age he started using drugs. How do you explain to a 15 yr old mind that mom and dad can't help him anymore? Although we have told him we will secure him a bed in a sober living home but if I look at his past behaviors I have no expectaion he will remain sober. I can only turn it over to HP How does one find happiness after that? Because of my mental breakdown I have lost the love, affection and respect of my beloved daughter who was the closest person to me ever. But because of my deep depression she saw a mother she didn't know anymore, she tried in her own way to help but of course she couldn't help me. Only HP and myself could help me. She blames me for her brothers addiction because I was so depressed I hadn't the strenght or the will to stop it. You and I know in the end I couldn't have stopped it but as she won't go to alanon she doesn't believe me. And now even though I am 100% better she doesn't feel she can open up her heart to me again in the event that I will once again disappoint her. How does one find happiness after that? because of my depression and anxiety I lost the job of my dreams, because if getting out of bed was a major accomplishment going to work was completly out of the question. As my husband is disabled I was the major bread winner which allowed us to live a comfortable life. So after losing my job we were living on my husbands disability payments almost nothing compared to our way of life. We lost or had to sell everything of value we had just to keep a roof over our heads. I was humiliated each time one of our possesions was taken out of our home. When they came to reposess our nice new cars. Thankfully we had 2 old paid off vehicles so were still able to have transportaion. Humiliated everytime we had to borrow money for a house payment and when we had to go on food stamps. How does one find happiness after that? These are just the highlights of the nightmare our lives have been the last 4 years. As I said I had resigned myself to a life of misery I woke up one morning managed to get out of bed and I fell to my knees and prayed to a God I had left behind years ago. I prayed for this misery to just end I didn't care how it ended just end it. 2 days later my son and I got into an arguement about his addiction of course and he announced he was leaving the house and going to kill himself and he left. we were absolutly beside ourselves. The phone rang a little while later I was sure it was the authorities calling to tell us they found our son dead somewhere. It was my sister, I cried throughout the whole conversation as she told me about alanon and gave me a website to go on and get help. I did...it wasn't this website but another and they had a 24 hr chat room. I went in and just blurted out my story that my son was out there saying he was going to kill himself etc. All these strangers stopped, listened to me and talked me thru the excruiating hours it took before my son walked back thru the door saying he'd had a change of heart, wasn't going to kill himself. I stayed on that chat room 24/7 listening and learning all about the steps, how the program worked etc. I was like a sponge and soaked up all the information they had for me. I started attending the online meetings ( as I was still not leaving my home) I started working the steps and I started praying to the god of my belief. I was raised to believe in the fire and brimstone God who punished you for every little infraction. Well I pulled out a bible and read it cover to cover and I found a God who was loving, kind, compassionate and forgiving and that became the God of my understanding my HP. So I am praying like crazy, every waking moment sometimes. But not much seemed to be changing. I was starting to lose faith that HP was even listening to me. I shared this in a meeting and I was asked by an oldtimer.....HP is listening are You? Wow I had never thought of it in those terms. I wasn't taking the time to listen to or look for signs that HP was sending me. I just thought things would change miraculously. No it doesn't work that way. HP will send me a message and it is up to me weather I take the path HP has set out for me or do I take the problem back and try and "fix" it myself. I can tell you that each time I have chosen to take back the problem I had prayed to HP for things have not worked out at all. But when I did things HP's way i found at first fleeting moments of peace and happiness. But I have to do the footwork thats the hard part following thru with what HP is telling you because it may go against what you WANT to do. If nothing else I can tell you everytime I do it HP's way I am never disappointed. And he will speak to you in many different ways. It maybe a thought that pops into your head, or a sign you see on a billboard, something you hear from another person, or you may actually hear a voice in your head. The are a thousand ways HP will speak to you so you must keep your eyes and ears open at all times. Once I threw myself into the program, worked the steps, listened to others and listened to HP my life became so much more peaceful. And in all the things I listed above I have found that I can have happiness. I can find the positive in each one of the examples of my life that I gave you. It is all a matter of persective. Alanon has worked for me in ALL areas of my life. My depression has finally lifted because I followed HP's path for me in order to do that. The anxiety is still there but I manage to keep it under control. I look forward to each day now even though i can't find a job to save my life. I have learned to find happiness in the simple things that I always took for granted. Those happy moments at first were also fleeting for me but I worked on making those moments last longer and longer. I no longer care about "things" like I used to. I am perfectly content with just the basics. I have a long way to go to find ongoing serenity....thankfully this is a life long program because that is how long I am going to need it. But if you really work this program pour your sweat into it you will not be disappointed. You will become the person you have always been meant to be. So take those fleeting moments of happiness and hold on to them a little longer each time. Look and listen for what HP is trying to tell you. But remember you must be open and willing to do the footwork and you will find your miracle. I get better a little more each day, i look for the poisitves in every situation instead of dwelling on the negative. It is work my friend but sooooo worth it. My lastest message from HP has actually been coming to me in several different way in the past year and I have kinda kept pushing it aside then bringing it back to the forefront then pushing it away again but each time i tried to push this away it got harder and harder. My husband and I ( although middle age) still have a lot to offer another person, specfically a child. So many children in foster care and so few people willing to take in a child who may or may not be damaged somehow. We have the love, the room and the means to help a child in need. My husband and I have prayed and spoke endlessly about this and decided to go ahead with the process and if it is truly HP's will than we will become liscensed foster care parents and will be able to help children. This wouldnt have even been a second thought for me years ago but now HP puts this in front of me every chance he gets. So we need to follow the path and see where it leads us. I would be head over heels thrilled to have children in our home again. So maybe this is what I have been meant to do. I've made the intial call and we will start classes in Nov from there we will see where it leads us. I just want you to know that if you really dedicate yourself to this program happiness is and will always be within your reach. If it can work for me it can work for anyone because seriously i was a lost cause. Alright i am sure I have bored you beyond belief by now if so sorry about that, I tend to get very wordy when trying to get my point across I wish you and your daughter all the blessings in the world
