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Given marital issues and wife's behavior (and perhaps mine) at times (I can't say she's horrible all the time) my daughter is being adversely affected of course. Talked about this in therapy and commented how I feel like I'm failing her. My therapist reminded me that I'm doing all I can and that I'm powerless to do more. I just can't accept that! I keep thinking there must be something else I can do. It's like watching your house go up in flames. I know I can't to anything, but I'll never be able to "accept" it. It haunts me constantly and likely always will. I can accept perhaps that I did all I could...I will never accept that she was damaged and will always feel guilty about it. Therapist pointed out the self destructive nature of my feeling guilty for something that I can't control but I blame my choices in life that led to this. I have no one else to blame for my choices of a spouse, especially when I had my doubts at the time. Somehow I pushed the doubts aside (some was wishful thinking, and some, to be honest was because it didn't look as bad then as it does now...things have definately worsened). I cling to the hope that maybe she wont' be damaged too badly or that some of my intervention (getting her into counseling etc) will overcome the damage. But I'm so sad to see her suffer and go through the same stuff I went through. I've read other posts about the heartache some of you go through with your kids....I'm scared to death that I'll be in the same position soon.
Think of it this way: the healthier you become, the healthier your daughter will be. therefore, it is critical that you work on your own mental health. Getting therapy is a good first step. Have you been to al anon?
I was looking at my al anon packet the other day, and in my city, they have alateen meetings for younger kids -- ages 8-12. I thought about that for my 10 year old daughter. Are there any such meetings around you?
Also, dont beat up on yourself so much. In one of my al anon readings they were talking about how, if someone treated our kids the way we treat ourselves, we'd want to do something drastic to them. i.e., blaming yourself, calling yourself stupid, wallowing in guilt. One reading said, think how you would hold a baby kitten in your hand and try to "hold" yourself that way.
I have posted about the heartache I go through with my kids. I just think that it is normal as a parent in this situation to feel guilty, normal as in default choice on how to feel. I totally agree with Jerry F on that one. I have a choice on how I choose to feel. Never knew that. Always thought I was supposed to feel that way or obligated to feel guilty about tough situations. I can't be of any help to my kids when I am scared, guilty.
It is not easy sharing your children with an A. Since the disease comes first with them, they only choose to contact them when they want to manipulate or guilt me. When I walk around in fear and confusion, that is what they want. I must believe that God is protecting us and that we are going to be okay. I have a network of people that pray for us, pray for our protection. I believe it works.
Save yourself some heartache and choose to not feel guilty. Take it easy on yourself. I just shudder to think of someone else having to go through that horrible guilt when it comes to your children. Hopefully this cycle will end for me and I will never choose to feel guilty again. It is like I have been given permission to not feel guilty about this situation. As though I had to have permission (LOL)! But that is what I needed.
You are in therapy, so is your daughter. You are learning tools from Al-Anon to deal with this issue.
We can't protect our children from everything. My higher power, whom I choose to call God, can. He always has and always will. When I choose to let go of my children and release them to God, it is a huge practice of faith for me.
The healthier you get the healthier your daughter will get. You will show her new and healthy coping behaviors. When she is old enough I would suggest getting her into alateen. Also I would ( and you will learn this through the program ) stop feeding into your wifes unaccpetable behaviors. That doesn't mean you say anything "bad" about mommy but you slowly but surely stop mommy from maniputaling and getting her way. And sticking up for your daughter when your wife displays unacceptable behavior towards her. You said something to the effect that you don't want your daughter to turn out like her mom. I honestly can't remember what your wife's issues are but if addiction is one of them I will share two differnet senerios 1. Neither my husband or I are A's but both come from highly addictive backgrounds. We went so far as to move our children 3 states away from our families ( yet still remained in contact) to get them away from the daily chaos and crisises. We didn't want our familes to be that big of an influance on them. We were extrenly involved parents weather it be school, athletic activities or what ever thier current interests were. Took wonderful family vacations etc and any person who knew us would say we had the perfect family.... guess what ? Our son became and A anyway... surley drew the genetic short straw and the fact that while we weren't A's we had taken on many of the dysfuctional traits of the A and passed those right along to our kids. Had I knew any of this when my kids were young we would have been sitting front and center in alanon meetings so that we could have learned heathier coping skills, changed our own behaviors and passed those along to our children. My biggest regret. 2. My niece is an A and a single mother raising a son. She always held a job etc but would be falling down drunk by eveing. One time she passed out while vaccuming the hallway in the middle of the night. The sound of the running vaccum woke her son up and he found his mother passed out on the hallway floor. He turned off the vaccum and went back to bed. Clearly growing up in the midst of this awful disease. And he pretty much had to raise himself. he is now an adult and has never drank a drop of liquor or taken any drug. i will add here his father whom he has only seen a handful for times is a hard core meth addict. So my point is, basically it's a crap shoot in my mind. For some becoming an A may be just in the genetic gene pool for others the way they are raised. You never know if your child will become an A or if your wife has some sort of mental illness weather that maybe gentic either. The best thing you can do for your daughter is get yourself healthy I believe she will follow your cue. Blessings
Hello: I've found true what others have already stated: you getting healthier, helps your child.
My children are now in their thirties. I have had guilty feelings too of past mistakes. One mistake was raising them with an alcoholic father. However, I now have let go of the guilt for I see it's just worthless weight that I carried around.
I follow you posts, even though I rarely post. I see that you are getting healthier and your daughter will benefit tremendously. Keep up the good work.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Even if I stop feeling guilty....and I don't know because logically I'm guilty on some level here...I'm not totally guilt free, I still can't accept this. "Not accepting unacceptable behavior"....I think goes with "not accepting unacceptable outcomes". I have not choice but to do the best I can for her and me and my family. It is precisely what I'm doing. I'm unable to delude myself into thinking my HP is going to magically protect my daughter from any of this. If that was true, no innocent kids would ever suffer. Which begs the question what will he do for her?????? For me I do believe at some point he can restore me to sanity (ie. feeling happier and less stressed) but he didnt' protect me when I was a kid....so how can I believe he'll suddenly do something for my daughter? Even if things end up being not so bad for my daughter, I'll still have to live with the fact that she deserved better and I couldn't give it to her. That will always eat at me. Even if I "did the best I could"...when it's not good enough.....to me that's unacceptable. I'm not God and I can't make perfection, but I'd like to think she (and I, and for that matter all of us) deserve at least an "average, expectable outcome".....since that doesnt' happen for so many people, it's tough to have faith.
Yes I fix myself really well (with help of all of you and HP and my therapist etc. of course) but in the end that likely wont' be enough.
My therapist tried to point out, all I have done and where would she be if I wasn't around? Good points, but they don't fix anything that's wrong. I'm very saddened to think she is now in therapy and is headed for (at best) a situation like mine: 1. Bad relationships 2. Being on Meds to deal with depression and anxiety. 3. Being in therapy for years and years.....
I could go on but you get my point.
How can I be happy with all this....and I'm not even talking about my own life yet right now. I can learn to accept certain things, and not be so hard on myself....but I have serious doubts that I'll do much better than the "flat lined emotions" I had this week. Absence of anxiety and depression are nice...dont' get me wrong, but if that's as good as it gets, I will be thoroughly disappointed.
Again....watching my house burn with all belongings.....I can understand I have no control, but knowing I've played some role in the burning (whatever I did or didn't do that may have prevented it) will prevent me from being happy.
I'm discouraged to find that the best anyone, including my therapist, can offer me is that I can do damage control, that if I delude myself into pretending my problems don't exist or pretending that they dont' matter.....that this is supposed to make me happy? I'll never make it. What's the point of being alive? What's the point of raising a family? Do I have to be in denial to be happy?
Hi, I raised two kiddos. I learned we can only protect our kids from so much, there are things we cannot.
Making the home as healthy as possible, I mean keeping it tidied up, food in the kitchen, clean cloths. Eating healthy, etc.
Then making sure there is a routine, homework time, fun time, going places, goin on walks.
Encouraging the kids in what they are into. This is major, if she has an interest, that is what will help her. She needs and will need something to get into to keep her mind on something positive.
At some point she may need to get away from the situation, as we all do. These are based on my experince. I saw kids who had horses, did 4H, rode motorcycles, biked, swam, into computers, walking, hiking, camping etc. did so much better in life,even if they had a more troubled life.
Happiness, anti stressors are what we all need.
My son was a HANDFUl. Dad was A but he was not in his life.Off and on he might come over. Then he came one night, thru a fit, I got an RO and we did not see him for 10 years. My son was afraid of him for all that time too.
Anyway both the kids were involved in things. It helped so much. We went on day trips, lots of them. We rafted lots.
Your girl will watch you. You using your al anon tools, your keeping calm when things are insane on the other side will be priceless.
Not taking sides is helpful. Not arguing over things that do not matter are also helpful.
Control issues tear kids up. If giving something up does not hurt anything, better to do so than make the kid upset.
When mom seems unreasonable with her, I invite you to let them figure it out, if you stay out of it, maybe those things won't happen so often or ever. They seem more like two adults trying to get control. It is not the fruit or whatever. uno?
We cannot just all of a sudden make ourselves accept things. i know for me it takes some changing my thoughts.
I am alone. so I read more, go outside and work when I can. Play with the dogs, watch movies. Do my best to do things I like. I go see my daughter as often as I can, taking the train, allowing them to help me.
I am in pain a lot, do my best to live with it, accept it is what it is. So I make sure I get my leg brace, walk real careful, when I sit I make sure pillows fill in all the spaces in my back, I do my best with what I have.
Does this make sense? Maybe sweep or get everything in a pile, with your daughter, get in the living room and put it all away, do wash at the same time. Make a chores on sat. morn. I grew up like that. was fun.
It the home seems sad, clean up then paint a room. Get some nice pillows for the couch. I mean spruce things up to be cheerful.
right now is perfect for doing stuff outside. you did the deck. take kido and get some containers to put dirt in and get her some pansies to plant in them to put on your new deck.
This stuff does help.
(o: We have to work on things to happen. They don't just happen. Like it is not just time that heals a broken heart, it is work.
You seem so perfect to get into and jumping in and making your life work.
Boy can I relate to your post. I only wish I was in a recovery program when my children were young. You can not predict the future. But you are in recovery and that means a lot. It doesn`t mean she will trun out perfect or won`t be affect by the A.
For me I`am coming into the program as a grandmother watching pleading for help from a HP to help this little girl who has 2 addicts for parents. Neither are in recovery. The mother (my daughter has custody) and I know in my heart that had I done a better job at parenting my 2 children that they might not both substance abusers. I`am not saying I caused it or that I can cure it. But I`am saying that I`am trying very hard not to beat myself up for how I parented. I only knew what I knew at the time. One would only have to look at how I was raised to understand I didn`t know how to do it any other way. It sounds like you to are doing and have been doing exactly what you have been able to do with what you knew at the time. You are fortunate to be where you are today. At least that is how it can appear to me. Let us have "Hope" that our HP can help our little ones move beyond the negative. Perhaps you can be the positive. I know thats whatI`am trying to do. One baby step at a time..
The "if only"s are a tough place to stay in. I think we'd all like to revisit our pasts and make different choices. But that's not the way it works. We have to go on from where we are. Spending time beating ourselves up about the past keeps our attention off the things we do have control over. I remember a saying that always helped get me out of my self-recrimination: "It's what you do next that counts."
I think we, like alcoholics, also tend to have a black-and-white view of things. Yes, your daughter's situation is imperfect, and that's very troubling. But she has one sober parent. She has her health, doesn't she? I have a friend with a child with childhood cancer. I'm guessing she's not autistic, she's not developmentally delayed, she has no deformities, she has no disabilities? I'm not saying "Just cheer on up, everything's great!" But it's important to take in the good as well as the bad. That's also an important lesson for your daughter to see. She could grow up thinking, "I had some problems in my childhood and my life is ruined," or she could grow up thinking, "My mom had problems but my dad helped me and we got through it, and I have my own two hands and I'm making my way in the world." Which would you rather model for her?
A wise therapist once asked me this question when I couldn't get certain thoughts out of my head -- "Are these thoughts useful for you to have?" So here I might wonder -- is it useful for you to be filled with self-blame, guilt, and apprehension about your daughter? It's certainly been helpful to me to figure out why I made the choices I did and how I can start making better ones. But beyond that, refusing to forgive myself has just been an impediment to living a real life.
Another thing I've seen is that when conditions start to change, it becomes easier to forgive oneself. I think that when you see that your life and your daughter's life have more serenity, you'll be able to let go of these thoughts more easily.
Just want to address one point you made in your post That God didn't protect you when you were a child so why think he will protect your daughter?
God didn't protect me either, I come from a highly abusive family and always wondered why god wasn't protecting me. As an adult I know that God has given us humans "free will". I hear people say all the time why does God allow people to starve, or die, be homeless or get illness including addiction etc. Why does he allow this. Answer is God gave us free will. It is not his choice to let people suffer it is the choice of us humans what we allow or don't allow. God gives us children and at that point it is up to us to protect them or not protect them. It's a choice. I believe God is extremly saddened at our world today but it is our job to change it not his. Ya know we want God to do all these things for us yet when shown the path we chose the wrong direction sometimes. whose fault is that. This world and the people in it have the resourses to iradicate starvation, homelessness etc but we chose not to. Then we blame god. Your daughter was given to you by god to guide and protect. You do the best you can but at some point your daughter will choose to use her "free will" to do as she pleases. God is watching over her but it is up to you and your wife to teach, guide and protect her. I hope any of that made sense.
I truly hope your wife gets some type of help. What she is doing is clearly verbal abuse. Words can be a scar that is carried for life, especially coming from a parent. I feel for you and your situation. Like you, I wish there was a way to make it stop. Your daughter is too young to grasp what is going on or to mentally digest it. Hell, I can't even grasp it, let alone a child.
Since your wife rarely drinks, I can only guess there is some sort of mental problem. You can only do so much to protect your daughter..and you are doing it. You said: I'm discouraged to find that the best anyone, including my therapist, can offer me is that I can do damage control, that if I delude myself into pretending my problems don't exist or pretending that they dont' matter..
I'm not full of fluff nor do I think you should step aside and let your daughter fend for herself, or work it out. Your wife calling your little girl "fat" or any other hurtful name is absolutely unacceptable. At the very least, I would have no problem whatsoever outing her to a counselor. If you confront her with it, it may get even worse for your daughter, not knowing what she is capable of. Actually, legally there is something you can do. If the situation gets to what you believe to be too much, you have the option of calling Child Protective Services. They deal with every kind of abuse. They do not rush in and snatch the child out of the home. Your wife most likely would be evaluated by a psychologist/psychiatrist and be required to have some counseling. She would be held accountable and couldn't hide it if she continued. I'm not suggesting, or not suggesting, this is what you should do. I'm just saying it's a available option. I'm actually a bit surprised at your therapist's response. Basically allow it and keep picking up the pieces? Pffft!!
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Monday 27th of September 2010 02:03:06 AM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have been through a lot of mommy guilt myself, and I have learned that the kids will be ok, as long as I am ok. They can see that I was in a bad relationship, but that I got out of it and began to get better. I keep things as routine as possible when we are together. Bed time readings, giggling, sharing about our day at supper. I have been through 2 divorces, and believe me, I wonder all the time how they will turn out. Seems to me, that projecting is something we Alanoners are good at. We cannot control the future, we can only do something about now. Is your daughter in therapy? Child therapists can help kids process what is going on and learn great ways to keep themselves going. I hope you know you are not alone. Take care
The therapist didn't say to allow it. Merely to stop beating myself up over it as she felt I was doing all i could. I'm the one who said "the best I can do then is damage control"? she disagreed with that assessment saying that I am protecting her from SOME of the stuff, modeling good coping skills, validating her. etc.
