The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having trouble getting past something that happened today. I lost it during class when I was sharing about the death of my mother. I started crying and could not stop. We were having an open discussion during one of my classes and I felt the need to share, but now I am embarassed and afraid of what people may think of me.
They published my name in the phone book with my phone number and address. I am fearful that my abusive and dry ex husband will find us and try to cause trouble. Please pray for me and my family.
I see now the trouble I have caused by choosing to be with these men who were bad for me. They have not found recovery. I have to keep my daughters away from them because they are detrimental to the well being of my children. To hear their side of the story would be that I am just taking their child away from them and they are not so bad. I live in a lot of fear that they could take my children away from me because I don't have a lot of money to get supervised visitation, they were granted visitation, but they never try to come to see their children. I just wonder what the heck I can do to stop being so afraid. My feelings go from guilt to fear. Just wondering if there's anyone out there who has been through something similar. It might be less stressful just dealing with one, but both my daughters' fathers' are addicts/alchoholics, and I am divorced from one, separated from the other. This is very difficult for me.
Today I realized how much I have used people to vent to just to make myself feel better. Almost like I try to pour these bad feelings out to other people just to get them off of me. It makes me feel better for a moment, but then it just gets worse. I tried to call my friends today after I was feeling so stupid for crying in class and I could not get an answer. I feel there is a reason for that. My higher power whom I choose to call God just kept telling me that I needed to trust him and to rely on him and keep praying to him and just take it easy on myself. I never realized before what a person addict I am. I have probably never had a real true relationship with anyone. I use people just like an addict uses drugs. I love my two closest friends dearly, but I just feel like I have nothing real to offer anyone. I am feeling pretty down on myself today. Would love to hear some ESH. Thanks.
Trust God (1st three steps) always. Recovery rule...practice, practice, practice.
The opposite of fear is Love. Love always; God, yourself, others. Practice, practice, practice.
The opposite of anger is acceptance. Practice, practice, practice.
Venting at MIP will get you compassion, empathy, unconditional love and feedback from other members experience. They have solutions to give which you can practice, practice, practice.
As for crying. I once bawled uncontrolably in one of my college classes and my professor asked if I would like to leave the class for later or have the class end and taken up later. It was on PTSD and being done by 4 - 5 Vietnam vets and I was loosing everything even though I had not been to Vietnam. I asked the professor and the class if I could remain and attempt as much control as I could - they gave me grace - (awesome journey) and we all stayed until the end of the inservice. Another gratitude to remember.
After the class I spoke with the vets and asked for support with what I didn't understand was going on with me and the lead asked me to tell them about how I was raised and my family (alcohol and drug dysfunctionals) and they assured me that I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Lights went on, rockets went off and understanding came because I was allowed to vent, bawl, stay in my chair, listen, learn and then practice a new way of understanding and behavior.
Did I share too soon in the wrong place...you can't tell that from the outcome for me. You shared at the right time now what are you going to do with it? You have to make it a valuable event for you. You went to self doubt and fear and questioning your esteem there is another way of handling it I can tell you for sure.
Try to stand back and be more understanding and kinder to yourself. You have every right to vent and hey, that's what friends are for. You are just pouring out the grief and hurt out of your heart, so I don't believe there is anything selfish or addict about that.
My sister had an alcoholic spouse who use to be physically abusive to her. He knew how far he could go and even commented to her that as long as he didn't leave a mark on her he would never be found out. She left him!
There are times I feel I share too much too, and try to call friends who don't answer. Its at those times that I have to just sit and be with myself. Its so very hard... I think you may find that someone really listened to you and got something from what you shared in class... Take it easy on yourself :)
Thank you. On a more positive note, there was a little voice inside of me saying that I was opening the door to a whole new area of my recovery just by voicing in class about my mom's death. But I chose to look at the negative aspect of it because that is just default reaction for me. I am starting to see this. It is like I have been walking in the dark and someone just turned on a light for me. Thank you Jerry, and all the others who have replied to my posts. You guys have shared some invaluable tools and insights for me.
I'm under the impression that the courts can mandate supervised visitation and the children's law guardian set's this up...it shouldn't cost you. Maybe I'm wrong. I too know the guilt of having to watch my child be emotionally abused (worse actually it happens when I'm not around and often I find out about it well after the fact.).
