The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Most of you will know from my previous posts that my AH has been alcohol dependant for last 6 or more years and his health has been in steep decline over the last 2 years. During this time he has put me and my son (learning disability, still at home) through the wringer. In August he came very close to dying and was in hospital for 3 weeks. Somehow he survived and has made remarkable progress in his physical health since. He is still drinking - just not as much (was a bottle of brandy or more a day). I am constantly amazed by how much the human body can endure. I would have thought that in order for his health to improve he would have had to have given up completely.
Anyway, a few days ago he actually apologised to me and Son for what he has put us through these last couple of years and thanked us for putting up with him! Today we were out with some very dear friends and he apologised to them and thanked them for their support.
I'm not sure how long this new spirit of contriteness will last and it will take more than an apology for me to feel the same as I did about him before the drink took hold - but, maybe, I am just being mean-spirited. I just don't think, even if he stays (relatively) dry for the rest of our lives that I will be able to forgive him. I have spent so long detaching myself from him, emotionally if not physically, that I cannot just switch the old, loving feelings back on again
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Friday 24th of September 2010 10:13:39 AM
I understand what your feeling, as I had resentments of my own toward the Alcoholic.
Not to the point where I could not forgive and not so much for him, but for myself, forgiveness is not about them either.
I dont even call it forgiveness, I call it reaching the point of understanding and letting go of the grudges and resentments, for me. Its important how I handle and feel about it. Pent up anger and begrudging are not good for our peace of mind and our health. We can never forget all that we have learned and all that we have experienced. Nothing happens to us by accident, it is for us to share it with others. We cannot experience serenity if we are full of grudges. Perhaps you will never reach the height of love you felt for him at one time, maybe you can find a middle ground, as you must stay in the marriage because you care for him on some level.
We do have choices in our lives , we dont have to stay in it, we can physically remove ourselves from any situation. I think that step 8 applys here , making amends to ourself, if we dont, we end up harming us the most.
With my best thoughts , Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 24th of September 2010 11:54:34 AM
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 24th of September 2010 11:55:13 AM
Wow Bettina how very insightful and appropriate. Tatty however your alcoholic has been motivated, he has been able to see inside of himself and at those around him and come to an understanding and he is taking care of business. HP may have had a meeting with him and he came to a different perspective. It has happened to many. He is alcoholic and the disease for now demands that he drink or he pays in many negative ways which hurt and still he is doing one small part which all recovering alcoholics must do in order to not return to the bottle...do the apologies and make the amends. I have seen the program worked from many many angles and very different ways so who am I to judge what and how...all I have to do is attend to my very own program. And for me as Bettina offered I'd be going after my own lack of spiritual assets
Simply again for me I went after the resentments and anger and self righteousness and more that kept me from peace of mind and serenity because not to would keep me spirit/soul sick. Since I reconized and accepted that my HP love me unconditionally I had no excuse not to do the same to others and then the struggle was over. He is an "ILL" person apologizing not a "BAD" person apologizing. Talk to your HP about the word grace and see where you are led with it.
Your spirit of forgiveness may just be a surrender away.
Our circumstances are a bit different but the resentment factor is the same.
When my husband got sober I had moments of resentment, and in my mind I came to understand that being unable to release the resentment was similar to the way I felt in obsessing about his drinking.
It felt very much like I was trading one obsession for the other. The worrying over drinking for resentments. I even threw in some guilt because he too almost died and there was a lot of struggling for him just to live, and here I was po'd. It made little sense in the grand scheme of things. I had prayed for him to live, and believe me, it was a miracle that he did. Was I going to waste this miracle by resenting him the rest of our lives?
I think my thoughts of resentment were motivated by fear. Fear that he may not survive and also a fear that he may drink again after all I had just been through. Maybe I had to hang on to those resentments so I wouldn't be fooled again. This was just as self destructive as when I obsessed over his drinking.
I had to ask myself at what point would I let go and accept the gift I had recieved. He wasn't causing me pain and chaos anymore, so why create it and keep recreating it? "Look back but don't stare" is powerful, and I added my own ending... "and certainly don't live there".
Bottom line, my A could never make up for all the pain he caused over 20 yrs. and I sure wasn't going to spend the next 20 in a state of anger and resentment. I had a choice to make and I chose to wipe the slate clean (for my own sanity). I had the gift of having what I always wanted staring me in the face. I decided to run with it and I've never looked back :)
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think after being hurt over and over again, it's been a little hard to actually believe my d drinking h and forgive. He tends to be emotionally abusive the day after. He has promised me that he won't lose his temper anymore but inspite of all those promises, I'm finding it's just empty words and with each new incident I get more distant from him and find it harder and harder to believe and forgive but I'm hoping that alanon classes will help me to understand him better so forgiveness will come.
I agree with each member who have responded. I struggleed with the idea of forgiveness early on in program and my sponser insisted I read page 120 in the ODAT every day untile I finally understood and stopped arguing with her.
It states " A mediation on the word forgive shows that we must forgive those we believe haveinjured us. This is the big idea" Unless we have first judged and condemned them for what they did we would have no need to forgive. Rather we would have to forgive ourselves for judging
After a few years I was able to ask HP to release the anger, and now I still have the memories of each of the difficult situations, and understand the lessons but I do not have the pain. Another alanon Step Miracle
You deserve to be at peace,and serene Taking care of yourself this will come to you
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 25th of September 2010 12:13:09 AM
