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My AH will have 3 months of sobriety on Oct. 4. He has seemed to be doing fine. He has a sponsor and goes to AA (though not everyday, but that's his issue; I try not to worry he is going too few times a week). When he was actively drinking, he would have these moods/spells were he was sort of bugg eyed, distant, slow to react and obviously anxious -- a lot of time it was about his work.
Only after he entered treatement did I realize a lot of these times he was drinking (he would deny having had anything to drink). Before last night he had had only one minor similar episode since he stopped drinking, so I had decided his behaviors/moods were caused by the alcohol. Well last night when I got home, he was in one of those moods again. I am telling you (as I later told him), it is virtually indiscernible from when he is drinking. He denied having had anything to drink. Even our 14 year old son was worried, saying "Dad is weird again" and obviously as worried as I was that AH had been drinking again.
So I tried to use some of my al anon tools. I felt that pit of the stomach pain of anxiety, hurt, worry. I asked my HP for strength. After commenting on the mood once, I told him I couldn't be around him when he was like that and went to another area of the house. Fortunately, I had book club to go to that night, so after making sure the kids (14 & 10) were OK and felt free to call me if there were issues, I soon left for book club.
When I returned about 2 hours later, AH was markedly better and more himself. This a.m. we had a short chat about this and I told him that I couldn't tell this type of mood from his active drinking. He again denied having had anything to drink and said he thinks he might have depression and has had some crying spells. I think there may also be some panic-attack behavior or at least anxiety. We talked about him seeing a therapist.
I am wondering if anyone here has experienced similar issues with their recovering loved one?? Any advice/thoughts? Thanks
I do know that they will deny if they are drinking/using. I know that for a fact. I think you did a great job with your own recovery and that if he is doing AA and needs other help too, that if he will go, it can't hurt. I am new to this too, so that is about all I can say :) Good job taking care of you and your kids!
It's hard. The "good" news is that if he's drinking again, he won't be able to hide it forever. My ex also got those spells, and I'm afraid it always meant he was drinking, in his case. He never admitted drinking, so it was very confusing for me. But eventually I did figure it out. And if your ex is just having emotional issues, eventually he'll work those out with AA. So it sounds to me as if it will either get better or it will get worse, and whichever it is, you'll know where things stand.
It sounds as if you took care of yourself, which is all you can ever do.
Early recovery is extremely difficult.... for both the A and for you..... The only advice I can give you is what my sponsor fed me, over & over again..... Dive completely and wholely into YOUR recovery right now.... He might be struggling with his sobriety, or (hopefully) he is just working through some things, while staying sober.... Either way, his recovery is HIS, and yours is yours..... If he IS having depression issues, he's a big boy, and will know what he needs to do about it.....
One of my favorite sayings..... "He will either drink (or have moodswings, etc), or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you, and choose recovery for you....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Early recovery is tough , I call it Stark Raving Sober .. like has already been suggested get into your own recovery and leave him to AA ..Mood swings are common he is after all learning a new way to live * sober * my husb didnt have a clue what to do with his free time he tried lots of hobbies finally settling on a few that kept him busy so patience on your part is a must .. It is important to keep speaking up about unexceptable behavior , nothing you say will cause him to drink , were just not that powerful .say what you mean , mean what you say dont be mean when u say it , works . Trust takes time and it must be earned it is not a given , the stronger and more independent you get u will start to trust yourself , trust what your seeing and hearing and when u can do that regardless of what he is doing your going to be just fine .. Enjoy sobriety and dont miss the good days worrying about the what if's .. Louise
I am very scared that he was drinking. I am struggling with knowing I can't control whether he was or wasn't. My only way of dealing with it is to withdraw/detach/get the hell away from him when he is like this. I simply cannot go back to believing him when he says he hasn't had anything to drink because I don't want to allow myself to be hurt and lied to again. At this point, I have to assume he is lying and protect my sanity by removing myself from his presence. Darn awful place for a marriage to be....
Mattie, you are right. If he is drinking, it will become apparent soon. I can't force myself to have certainty that he is or he isn't right now. Maybe I will make a "God box" like folks have mentioned, and put "is he or isn't he??" in there....
Asking an alcoholic if he is drinking is an excercise in futility....
Until we understand and accept what the disease of alcoholism is , we will continue to hurt and suffer over it. The alcoholic is not setting out to hurt us or lie to us, he does enough of that to himself. He is a sick person. We must leave him to find his own solutions.
That doesnt mean we act like a doormat, we do need to develop our boundaries on what we will or will not accept. Like Louise said, we can say anything as long as we dont say it mean.
I think when we concentrate more on our recovery, we dont have time to wonder if he is drinking or not, he is an alcoholic , thats what they do, at any given time. The disease doesnt take a break. It can go into remission but never cured. Alcoholism is not a marriage problem although it will affect the marriage. You said you suggested therapy thats good if the therapist has experience in drug/alcohol addiction.
Stay close to Alanon and keep coming back and work the program, it works.
Looking back the exaH threw me so many excuses and denials about his drinking and I was so willing to accept them, it made for an utterly crazy existence. Even after finding interact bank drafts for the Beer Store (Canada here) he'd tell me he was picking it up for his daughter (also alchoholic) and I'd argue how ridiculous that was and how crazy did he think I was , etc etc etc. Suddenly the focus was off the drinking issue and on me and how stupid did he think I was? This was life for us. A road that led nowhere.
When I stopped being concerned about whether he was drinking, and started focussing on what it was I wanted for MY life and MY well being and MY self, I felt I came to many more options, or a freeway of choices, so to speak, rather than the road leading to nowhere.
He was better the next day and has been fine since. I shared at my Al Anon meeting last night about this experience. Others had had similar experiences. It helped me to let it go -- and hopefully also to let go of the constant mental refrain of "did he have a drink or didn't he??"
