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I am 2 hours into the day...and so far everything is ok. I had a tremendous awareness yesterday, and I am sort of feeling "hung over"?? from the understanding. I went to get my kids (I couldn't stand it anymore). We had a great time, and bought a few movies out of the cheapie bins at walmart, new pyjamas, chinese food in those cute little boxes with the chop sticks, and settled down for a perfect night. |we watched "Where the Wild Thing Are" a move of the book i read constantly to my son. but in the movie, they expanded the story (the original book has like 55 words in it hehe).
In the movie, the boy MAx, main char., is very lonely and unrecognized. he is invisible...and he acts out and the story unfolds. I was sitting there, crying, watching this kid try to get his sister and mother's attention...and I relaized how much I was empathizing with him.
THIS is what has been bothering me...feeling invisible. When I was younger, wow...I HAD to be invisible...just to stay out of the Alcoholic insanity in my house. and today, I am having a huge issue and I don't know how to express it to my husband, because he has become so busy in his work over the last few years...I have become more and more invisible. I become resentful, angry, sad...and frankly, living alone is a thought that crosses my mind allot these days. If I am goign to feel alone...then why not eliminate all the maid work i do?
I am invisible to my kids. My sisters and brothers...everyone. It's a terrible feeling.
I know my solution is to FIND MYSELF and be ok BY MYSELF...
but...if God really meant for us to be all ok ALONE...then...wouldnt he have given us each individual islands to live on? When I try and set boundaries when I am feeling invisible..it comes out all ugly and nasty. I snap about stupid little things that I really don't care about, I become hyper sensitive to the regular stupidities that teenagers dole out...not exactly the epitome of serenity.
so...here's the question...
am I supposed to be ok without telling them what I need. Anyways when i do tell them nothing changes so...not pushing them to be who they are not?
Really...I don't know. This one is totally new for me. Looking for your thoughts. thank you.
I can so empathize with what you're feeling. I grew up feeling invisible too. There was so much call to have no needs.
In my view, feeling invisible is different than being invisible. I notice that I tend to feel invisible when my needs aren't being met. It's not actually that I'm disregarded and that nobody notices whether I'm there or not. But there can still be a kind of empty feeling when my needs are going unmet.
To me it seems like a dual thing. That is, I can't rely only on other people to get my needs met. I have to know what my needs are, ask for them sincerely (not in a manipulative way, which I'm ashamed to say was the way I learned growing up), and choose people who are really capable of meeting others' needs. So I have a part in it. But no matter what I do, I can't get blood from a stone, or as Al-Anoners say, I can't get bread at the hardware store. So it also depends on the other people being healthy enough to give as well as take. And sometimes I don't surround myself with those people.
Sometimes it's good to go where people will really "get" where you're coming from, like an Al-Anon meeting. Are you going to face-to-face meetings? And sometimes old friends who knew me from way back help remind me who I am. In the long term, I think getting needs met is a process of getting everything in place. It sounds as if your family system isn't working very well right now. Thinking how to make it better might be the beginning of that process.
I too made myself invisible many times in my childhood and marriage. I had been thought that it was my job to make others feel good and that it was proud and arrogant to talk about myself and my achievements.
I took this literally and believed that if I took care of others and validated them they in turn would reciprocate. This rarely happened.
Al anon taught me that it was my job to VALIDATE myself and my beliefs. I must recognize that I am human, with needs and achievements and it was not arrogant to talk about them. It was how I could connect with people.
That is why meetings are so important We learn to talk about ourselves without being judged. With the no cross talk rule no one can tell us we are wrong That is how I recovered.
Totally related to your share As a child i had to do my best to remain invisable in order to protect myself ( not that it worked) Fast forward to adulthood still managed to stay under the radar when possible but in raising a family mommy can't be invisable, her children need her to meet their needs. Fast forward to my children grown up and I was in 2 horrible car accidents ( not my fault) was a miracle I walked away from either of them. Those accidents took me right back to my childhood when i was never safe and i literlly shut down. I checked out of the real world and made myself invisable. I was diagonsed with PTSD, depression and anxiety. The depression engulfed me and my fear took over to the point i pushed everyone out of my life and then as the world doesn't stop for me everyone else went on with their lives and i was truly invisable. Worst feeling ever....wanting to be invisable yet not wanting people to go on and forget about me and stop caring. Thankfully for this program I have been able to work out my own issues while also dealing with my A son. That is why I say this program works in all aspects of our lives. I only regret I didn't find it sooner. Now I ( for the most part) work on validating my own feelings. If I look to others to validate me or try to find happiness by making others happy it doesn't work out to well. I have to be ok with the person I am and the person I am becoming. A totally new concept for me by the way I can tell you that despite the actions of a teenager you are not invisible to them. Of course they would never want to admit they still need their mom but in their hearts they know thay do, maybe more than ever. While it may not seem that they are llistening to you they are..they are still looking for direction and guidance. Work your program, its gets better. If it could help me I can help anyone Blessings
hello jo , I am assuming that your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself please find some in your area u need support and trust me you will be seen and heard in our rooms , isolation is a big problem for those of us who live with alcoholism and its dangerous .. the longer we stay isolated the sicker we get and the harder it is to get help just a visious cycle .. You are worth the effort but until u truly believe that nothing is going to change . Unfortunatley we teach people how to treat us , invisible just dosent happen over nite . I made a decission along time ago that this disease had all of me it was going to get and made a commitment to myself to get well . so far so good . Today I am the one responsibe for my happiness my husb and family are bonuses . When our self worth and self esteem are gone we are pretty much a shell , God don't make junk you count .. get control of your life and become the person you have always wanted to b e , who u were meant to be .. Iwas told that by my silence my husb was assuming that what he was doing was okay with me , i was told to speak up but to have no expectations that it would change anything , so i thought well whats the point of that ? i ws then told it was important to just speak up something Ihadnt done in along time . If your tired of being treated like adoor mat , get off the floor . is what another person told me . ugh .. your gonna be just fine . tke care of you for a change ..
Hotrod, I love this quote you said: "I took this literally and believed that if I took care of others and validated them they in turn would reciprocate. This rarely happened."
This was me too! And I am learning and working on not doing that anymore. I have found that I have "felt" invisible all of my life until I began to really work on this stuff. I got a therapist first, because that was what I felt I needed at the time. Eventually just Alanon and this board and the literature have been all I have needed. I don't know what it is, but it works. I can't explain it, but there it is....
Thanks for sharing. I too feel invisible much of the time, and always have. Like you, it has to do with my childhood. I was the middle child and second daughter. I grew up hearing how much my Dad always wanted a son. He only got one on the third try. Think how that would make the second daughter feel??? Then my parents, though not alcoholics, neglected me. I had to achieve in school to try to get their attention.
Fast forward to today with my AH's alcholism. Like many family members, I further isolated myself. I still feel invisible as he is not capable of meeting so many of my needs now.
I don't think I have the answers. Just know you are not alone.
Great Thread...I hope many others respond to it. The solutions given validate the program and I agree from my experiences also. Getting into the rooms of Al-Anon supports validation and growth away from isolation and feeling less than. Feeling invisible while taking the role of a bystander is understandable and having the understanding and the support that we no longer just need to be bystanders is a permission for me to get involved in my own life. There were and are lots of reasons why I choose to become invisible some valid and some not. For me much of my responsibility for it is in the reason why I choose it. Al-Anon helps me to choose appropriately and to do that with gratitude.
(( jo )) HP wants us to be ok -as we are ("alone") so that we can be healthy together -- not find ways of validating and esteeming ourselves through outside sources and other people. If we do that, then we will always be their victim-slave and we are just as codependent as ever. If we focus on others, we feed the disease. It is all about learning what you can do -change and control- for YOU to make ur life healthier, happier and peaceful - that is an inside job. If u feel resentful and invisible, do soemthing different. Teens need to learn how to do their own chores - u are not the maid - but as women we often slip into these roles and lose ourselves in the habits of our lives. When we begin to pay attention to our needs, stand up for us, and then learn ways in which we can fulfill our own needs and learn to rely on ourselves for peace/happiness. Otherwise we are coming to others - as a gaping hole that cannot be filled or satisfied. When we feel desperate for validation, attention, love it shows and others feel it too. I know, I was a desperate aching gaping hole that sucked validation and attention like a black hole, literally. I did not hear or register the positive said about me, I simpl;y did not belive it, so it flew out but oh yes the negative words, oh how we delight in replaying those horrid tapes over and over to keep us down, then we -- say to us, see yes ur so worthless u deserve this whatever bad is happening. Those are lies from the abuse/past. No one deserves to feel less than - but it is our own minds creating it and then validating it. We get a pay off for that, we get to feel the victim and be stuck. Everything is a choice... the differences lie in what we do with our choices. Do we do things that allow us to feel worse, or feel better?
If u feel unappreciated with the chores, pull back and take care of YOU. If u dont feel bad enough, the suffering will continue and get worse. We are doomed to repeat what we dont face. Facing it is the painful part, feel it and then decide how u want to change and then do it, one day and one thought/behavior at a time.
Abby sd, we teach others how to treat us. That is a bitter pill at first -but- it is also the secret information that it takes to change it. If you dont like it - change. If u dont get validated at home, get it at meetings. Its the same with boundaries, u cannot say dont 'dont treat me this way' - u have to do something to change it. YOU have to change it, others wont do it for you, why should they? They are using you, and u are willingly doing that to yourself. See, my step dad would yell at me and say things that werent true to me, and I did belive them too. I felt worse and worse and I chose to belive I was stupid or less than - well that is just not the truth. They are hurt. They are trying to get us to pick up the tab on their negative feelings, gives them an excuse not to change and use. We do it too. So much manipulation we throw around at each other. We take turns picking it up and shifting the blame. My step dad would lay into me, start attacking me emotionally and the first boundary i set, was when that behavior started, i would leave the house and go home. So I didnt live with them anymore at that point, u can still leave the room or do something else. You can identify it as their junk and hand it over to HP saying, I willingly release this negative feeling to you and then hand it over. U have to hand it over, u cant ask hp/god to take it from you (that doesnt work bc we ahve free will, it has to be our choice).
If what ur doing isnt working, try something else.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
