The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
She is texting me this morning about everything and does not want to hear anything Alanon. She doesn't see that what she is doing is enabling him and "saving" my abf. She is constantly checking his bank account, his phone record, and if she sees him out walking down the street she stops and harrasses him about it. I know she loves him, I get that. I have two boys of my own so I see the other side of this quite well and I hope I never have to go through it with them. I am trying to share my peace with her, and she is trying to tear it down. I am not sure what to say to get her to leave me be. Every single text is negative and bringing up everything in his past and how why won't he change and he is going to die if he doesn't stop and blah blah blah... I just don't know how to gently tell her that I am doing Alanon and working on my own recovery and if he does not change, he will die, but I am at peace...
I think she doesn't want to let him go. She has had control over his bank accounts, and his bills since he was in college. She is enabling him by doing this. Alanon f2f told her to give him his bills and bank accounts and let it go, but she won't. She took a large sum of money that he had in a savings account and put it in a hidden account so he can't have it. She has not given him his bills to pay for, and then yells at him for not know what bills he has. I feel like, if I keep talking to her, I will revert back to my old behaviors and begin checking on him and obsessing about him again.... I told her I stopped doing that stuff and I feel so free and at peace... She thinks I am ignoring the fact that he may die. I am not, I have just moved on. Please, what can I say to get her to leave me alone?
It sounds as if she's an addict too (he's addicted to alcohol, she's addicted to trying to control him). So I wonder if you can detach from her just as you would from him? What would you do if he were sending you texts throughout the day, etc.?
Remember that you don't have to convince her that what you're doing is right.
I think if I were in your shoes, I would send her a message saying something like, "All I can do is to leave him to his Higher Power." And maybe (but maybe not), "I don't have any control over his drinking, so I can't respond to your texts and messages from now on." Either way, I would just delete the texts and messages from now on. They're not helping you, her, or him, are they? But they sound as if they're getting in the way of your serenity.
That's just my view. Others may have different thoughts.
Mattie, Yes, she is. She is she is she is.... And yes she is interfering with my serenity but I am working on not letting her do that. I don't have to convince her... That makes me feel better.... I am going to text her now saying I need to work and I will get in trouble for continued texting. HA!
This is the first step Powerless over people places and things.
Being powerless does not mean helpless. Tell mom you understand her pain and know how hard this is. You have found different tools to cope with the illness and are using them If she likes you will give her a meeting list but cannot listen to this repeat ion of his life and his doing.
You have learned that you must focus on yourself and your children and wish her well Each time she contacts you say the same and leave.
My family members do the same They love the negative energy they derive from this disease It nearly killed me I cannot go there
Betty, it does seem that way, doesn't it? That the family loves to continue to be negative. That is why I am letting go and moving forward. Thank you !
As the mother of an A son, i totally get where your bf's mom is coming from. She is trying desparatly to "fix" him which i what I did for several years also. It is a parents nature to want to fix their child. But just as your A is sick and unrecovering so is his mom. As stated above she is addicted to him and wants to pull you back into the chaos In this case you are going to have to use your alanon tools on her just as you do your bf. She is sick, An unrecovered alanon. Remeber you don't have to engage in every fight or conversation you are invited to. I would text back exactly what hotrod suggested to you and let it go. Nothing you say is going to please or apease your bf's mom so don't make yourself crazy trying and do not let it deter you from your program. And if she texts you constantly throughout the day answer once with the words hotrod gave you and ignore the rest. Again he mom is sick just as i was sick when i walked thru these doors. She has the knowledge to attend alanon and she chooses not to. She just like the A has to hit her own bottom. Just as I did. Blessings
this was a great read seeing how you came here and people from Al anon helped with al anon tools.
I am so impressed!
My thought was telling her, on top of bettys," I learned I can only control me."
That thought has saved me a million times. Sometimes helping another saves me. I can't help it. Giving maybe homeless people some money, taking cans to our "can man."
I am happy you guys shared this perfect miracle in progress. love yous, debilyn
