The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having a good day. I have felt strong all day. I have stayed in the moment here at work. I did not argue or let my ex-husband get to me this morning when he and I exchanged our son. My photography partner and I are working out our differences. I am in the moment. I feel pretty happy.
My abf just called and I can tell that he has been drinking or possibly using something (he has used opiates in the past and that is what he sounds like now). Strangely enough, and I am pretty sure its because of Alanon and what I have learned about things recently, I am calm. I told him I would see him later, and said good bye.
His excuse? He told me his parents are doing more of the same trying to control him and make him not drink, not working their own Alanon program, and of course he is mad at them for this. I know they love him dearly (who doesn't love their kid even in this situation?) but I think that if they try to carry him again and "save" him like they did before, that he will not be in the land of the living anymore.
I see it so clearly. What will I do about it? I don't know. I am not seeking advice, just maybe if you have had a situation similar to this, how you handled it? Why do I feel so calm? Its so strange! I feel totally at ease. Now if I get home and he is passed out or whatever happens with opiates, I don't know what I will do. But right now, I am not feeling that obsession that I once felt. There was once a time when I would have been calling him a hundred times and asking him to not drink or use...
Ok there is a tiny part that is worried that he will drink and use the opiate together (I don't know what type), but I am not feeling obsessed...Wow. This feels so weird. Is this part of my recovery? The peace even though he is in chaos? WOAH
I know what you mean. When I saw my brother drunk after being out of jail no more than 15 hours, it fely like I had lead weights on my shoulders. I was short of breath, and felt like I was going to get sick.
After refusing to do the things he is capable of doing (if he's sober), I'm not stressed about it at all. He couldn't write down a phone number I was trying to give him. I would say 266.2278, and ask him to repeat it to me. He would say 266.2778. We went through that at least 5 times, and finally I told him to call me when he sobered up. I haven't heard from him since. I bet he doesn't remember talking to me.
Thank you NCSU, I am learning that feeling unstressed is a good thing :) Thank you Abbyal! I am at work and not worried at all! Crazy? Nope :) YEAH ME!
I am the parent of an A My son has used every excuse under the sun to use. The truth is any excuse will do. There were days I didn't look at him right so of course he needed to go out and get high. I love my son uncondtionally and without reservation..I always have and I always will. It is beyond heartbreaking to watch your child self destruct and be powerless to stop it. He certainly didn't like it when I joined alanon and my own behavior began to change. When i stopped ( or at least tried to )feeding into his disease. When he was sober I would talk with him in lenght about my recovery and that he too can claim his miracle bu going to AA or NA. He refuses to do this and I believe it is because he feels resentment of my 12 step program and is not going to give me the satisfaction of embracing his own 12 step program, as if it is a punishment for me. But acholics don't need and excuse to use..they only make one up to either guilt you or rationalize their behavior. I had to finally accept that whatever words were coming out of my sons mouths were lies unless my eyes and gut told me different. And I had to accept that as long as he is not in recovery I cannot expect him to act any differently than what he is at the moment and thats an addict. Blessings
xeno, I hear what you are saying :) Thank you! That is exactly what Abf is doing, using any excuse to use/drink. After I hung up with him and was feeling calm, not one hour later, he called back to inform me of what his afternoon plans are: to do the dishes and take a shower. I said "ok, good". We talked for a few more minutes and then I had to get done with my break so I told I would see him tonight. I am just suprised at my calmness... I am so happy to be so calm.
Maize...when you get a bit of open time to reflect some try reflecting on what the first part of the first step says...and you are there!! Have admitted you are powerless over alcoholism and have now relaxed with the understanding - first miracle Done!!
You are correcting some differences you have had in your business life - correcting unmanageability. The second part of the 1st step says; "and our lives had become unmanageable".
Your question is you see it so clearly "what will I do with it?" - Go to the second step. "Came to believe that a power greater that Maize can lead her to SANITY". Don't take the problem back. Just one very simple tool that I learned from early fellowship was to make a God Box. Find an empty cigar box and tape it closed with lots of tape. Cut a thin slot in the top and then write "God Box" on the cover. When the problem or a problem beyond my control arises; write it down on a piece of paper and push it thru the slot where it will remain and I will not be able to retrieve it. You can also tear the paper up and suck the pieces up with the vaccuum cleaner too. There are many many different metaphors for letting go and letting God. That's what I do with it. I haven't used a God Box in years because my relationship with my HP is now 24/7 and we have an automatic understanding of what's mine and what's HP's.
You're growing...it's great to be a part of it. (((((hugs)))))
All good, and definitely one day (step) at a time..... the signs are pointing to the fact that YOU are choosing recovery, for you....
The excuses that active A's use for drinking are almost laughable sometimes, as they would include:
I drink because..... 1. you are too mean 2. you are too nice 3. my job has too much pressure 4. my job doesn't challenge me enough 5. my parents don't love me 6. my parents are too needy 7. the economy sucks 8. the Red Sox lost 9. the Red Sox won
I could go on & on, and the list wasn't meant to be an exhaustive one - just wanting to point out the insanity of expecting our (unhealthy and insane) A's to behave in healthy and rational ways....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know for me, it's not like one day the light goes on and I "get it"....it more sneaks up on my in bits and pieces....sort of like putting on weight. You don't wake up one day and say "oh no!"...
As abby said, "you are learning to let go". How great is that...once we realize that no matter what we say or do it is not going to change the outcome of our addicts in our lives.
The only was they are going to get clean is if they want to and they have to really really want to and the sad truth some just don't.
Good for you, it is nice to see that you are finding a way to take care and sounds like you have deciced to Let God and Let Go....what a wonderful feeling.
And Tom you forgot its raining today.......
With hope, Andrea
-- Edited by Andrea12 on Wednesday 22nd of September 2010 08:13:05 PM
I was always told that the best thing I could do my husband's recovery was to concentrate on my home. I have to believe it would be the same way for the parents of your boyfriend. How his parents handle their recovery is up to them. Recovery is about you and for you regardless if he chooses sobriety or not, regardless if other people choose to go to Alanon or not.
You are calm because you're program is working. Like Tom said A's don't need an excuse to drink. It's what they do unless they are in recovery. All you can do is Let Go and Let God. I have given up trying to get my sister to go to Alanon.
I have banged my head against the walls for years. No use. She's not gonna face it and when my brother in law gets sentenced to jail time in December chances are she's not gonna do it then. She has every excuse in the book. So be it. I need my recovery. I need my sanity. So when and if she's ready to go I will be there. If not, then I continue on with my life. Nothing is going to come between me and my recovery.
You are doing so good. You go girl. All will be well. Enjoy the serenity. It's a wonderful thing. Much love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
