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I'll give you a quick background. My brother just got out of jail Saturday AM. He was in for 60 days for violating parole (drinking). He was out for two weeks to the day before being picked up. Before that, he served a 1 year sentence for his 4th DUI. He served a 6 month sentence about two years ago for his 3rd DUI.
He was living with my mother of course, but she died last month. She asked that I make sure he had a place to go when he got out so that he wouldn't be homeless. In order to do this, I rented an apartment and put it in my name. The utilities are in his name. We moved him in Saturday, and I left him there to finish unpacking. Sure enough, he walked to the store and got some beer. He wasn't out 15 hours before he was completely plowed. He has the finacial means to pay the rent and for any damages, so I'm not worried about that part of it. When I talked to him on the phone yesterday about calling about trash collection and getting cable hooked up, he was so plowed he couldn't write the number down for the cable company. I told him to sober up, and call me today. I haven't heard from him today.
Am I enabling him by getting the apartment, and making sure he wasn't homeless when he got out of jail?
I am sorry you have this dreadful disease to deal with. You have come to the right place and welcome.
Enabling can take on many forms and the motives behind the enabling are of prime importance.
I believe that you lived up to your mom's final request by obtaining the apartment and that is noble.
Now I think that if has the money and the intelligence to go get beer, he is able to know what he needs to do for his living space. In other words, trying to get him to call for garbage collection and cable is taking over his responsibilities and could transfer over to enabling!!!.
It is very hard drawing the line between love and enabling. Try to find meetings in your community and come here and post often. You are not alone.
This entire program is a process so please take what you like and leave the rest.
First I must say I am so saddened you lost your mother. That is one, most do not get over well, we learn to live with it. Give yourself time and work on that one. big hugs.
Let me put it this way hon, bro got out of jail again, for the first time he could have gotten a jolt he had NO Where to go. He would have had options. Stay sober so he could get a place on his own, get drunk and pass out somewhere, Walk into AA, gotten direction there.
But he knew he had a place he could go get drunk in, and be comfy.
When we do anything for the A we are doing it for the disease. Period.
My ex ah always went to mommies. always. would still but mommy lives in a foster home now. does he go see her? hardly ever.
now when he gets out, yes same scenerio, felony dui. he has one of mommys old friends to live with. sicko.
he is 58 years old.
Your brother has always had a nice place to go, so why should he try to go into recovery? He has never been sick enough to be sick of being sick.
YOU are wonderful to come to Al Anon! Shows you care a great deal.You want the best for your bro. The best is to let him fall, let him figure it out. Allow him the dignity of figuring it ALL out for himself.
There are shelters, there are ways to get food, he is a big boy, he has figured out how to manipulate his family to babysit his body while the disease takes over.
The best way to show him your love is to let go, I KNOW it is not easy.
I know you may have promised your mom. But, she asked you to continue to feed his disease and make it comfy. She had NO idea what she was doing. It is very hard for parents to let go and allow non addict kid to go out into the world. She thought she was doing what a mom should do.
MOms can be wrong too!
My best to you and your brother. He honestly needs you to love him enough to let him go and grow up if he can.
Keep coming. We would love to help you. We need you too. love,debilyn
Boy have I heard your story played out in my head more then once ;) I do have an Abrother, that lived with my Mom till he was in his 20's and the only reason He got out was because she Moved, and didn't allow him to come... He is on his 6th DUI I Believe, he has been without license now for about 13 years or so, but didn't stop him from getting 5 more with out a license... However My Brother has NEVER been Financially Sound...
I joined Al-Anon because I lost my Afather to this Very Disease almost 2 yrs ago, my brother is his "Twin"... Both are "Momma's Boys" and both have had MOM take care of everything in their lives which never made either of them accountable for anything they did other then the one or two judges that gave them more then 30 days in jail at a time...but If the mothers could have, they would have bought them out of that as well...
I learned that "His Business" is really NONE of MY Business, if he don't go to work, then HE looses his job, (Not my fault), if he don't pay his bills, he looses the electric,cable, water (Not my fault), I love my Brother Very Much, and growing up I pretty Much Raised him for he is 6yrs younger then me... But when I stepped back, and seen how Everything in his life was "DONE" for Him... It was a Huge Eye Opener, funny that since I found program, many things for him have turned around... I don't take my program as credit for that, but I do know that ME Setting these boundry's really helped me....Like: "Sorry I Can't, Or You can call them, Or Your going to have to take the bus if you can't get to work... I have a Job too, No I can't stop at the store & buy your smokes or alcohol..We all have tough Days, this is one of yours" Boundry's are a wonderful thing... And tho I hate to watch him suffer I hated even more to not see him Grow up...
I see you mentioned that he "Could" Finanically care for himself... GREAT... thats one less thing you should have to deal with, this program has taught me how to love my brother, but also Love myself... I am in Complete Agreement, in if you have a Face to Face Al-anon meeting in your area, Check them out.. I was told when I got here to go to (6) Meetings be for I make up my mind if it is for me, I committed to that, and for two years, I have been truly blessed having some of the sweetest People brought in to my adopted family...
I Pray that you Keep Coming back, Keep Sharing, Keep Walking thru it, we are all going to make mistakes... "We are Human", but together, we can find a way to learn from them, and start a new way of living...
Love & Prayers to you, Take what you like and leave the rest
PS... Sorry for your Loss of Your Mom, My Prayers are With You... Need to talk, IM me... Friends In Recovery...
Sounds like your mother was too. Nothing like the deathbed promise to really turn the screws too. I'm sure you have to be a little resentful of that. So it sounds like your brother, who I'm guessing is an adult, is having a hard time accepting adult life.
You are in the midst of a lot of stuff right now. Take time to take care of yourself, have some quiet time to sit and think and reflect. Just the fact that you are asking the question shows that you are concerned. You can't fix anyone but yourself and even that is almost impossible sometimes.
RE the deathbed promise.... It's all about how you choose to look at it. Maybe soon mom would have gotten herself into Alanon and seen that her "helping" was actually hurting. Mom did what she did with what she knew then. Your job is to know as much as you can and do the best you can with that. I'm sorry for your loss AND your burden. :(
Keep coming back, eventually something will resonate with you. WE all have different ways and speeds of dealing with things. It'll get better.
First I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I am in much in the same situation. My son is an A has been in and out of jail so many times in the last 2 years I've lost count. Original charge was for possesion and was orignally just put on probation for a year. When he beaks his probation agreement ( like getting high) he goes back to jail, sometimes a few days, sometimes a few weeks. This has been going on for 3 years now and everytime we bring him home he tells us exactly what we want to hear. he's learned his lesson, he is commited to sobriety etc and we wanted to believe him each time so we did. Only to have him back out using with in 24 hours. This last time we told him no longer will we bring him back into our home if he violates probation. He has no job, has lost all his friends etc. We told him if he choses the path of drugs again we will take him to the nearest shelter as he has no where else to go. He understood we were serious.... and yet chose to go out an use. When he got home through all the tears we told him we were sorry he had chosen that path and that this was no longer his home. I cried more tears than I thought were even possible as I packed up his belongings for him to take to the shelter, all the while he is following us around begging for one more chance. By law I had to notify his probation officer that he would no longer be staying here. His PO told us to keep him there and he would come get him. Which he did. I felt better that at least he was going somewhere safe and warm as it was winter time. The judge ended up placing him on the jail rehab unit...he has been there 10 months now. We again have to remind him coming home is not an option. But what we are willing to do is get him into a sober living facility. And if he veers off his recovery path than he is going to have to stand on his own 2 feet face the consequences of his choices. You've no idea the pain and anguish we feel everyday having made this desision knowing his bottom may very well be death as he has OD'd several times in the past. But that happened at home so in reality he was slowly killing himself right before our very eyes. He has tried to re negoitated this deal several times asking us to get him an apt etc. But we have made it clear what if he needs our help what we are willing to do and that is getting him in a sober living home, if he choses not to accept that then he will have to find his own living accomodations. He will not be allowed to leave the jail until he has found a job and a place to live. They give him 30 days to be able to leave the jail each day and try and accompish these things. Reality is it is hard enough to find a job out there for anyone and for someone with a criminal record it will be that much harder. Nad who could possibly find a job and save enough money in 30 days to rent a place to live. Which is why we offerred to help with his living expenses at a sober living home. Sheesh that was probably more than you needed or wanted to know lol But your orginal question was about enabling and the promise you made to your mother. In our experience putting a roof over my sons head was totally enabling his disease. And we had to remove his safety net and incredibly impossibly difficult as that is. By giving him a place to life he had no incentive to get it together, we were always there to save the day. So we had to remove that. Your mother loved you both dearly, she wanted you to take care of your brother as she would. But your mother ( pls no offense intended ) was an unrecovered Alanon and I am sure she always thought if she just did what she thought was the next best thing for your brother....loved him more...supported him etc that eventually he would see the errors of his ways and get sober. It just doesnt work like that. If love could cure this disease it would be iradicated from the earth. No amount of love is going to cure your brother except his own self love which he can find should he embrace recovery. Right now you already secured him a place to live to thats a done deal. In my opinion now is the time for you to step back and let him do for himself. He doesn't need to be reminded to turn the cable on or the trash. These are now his respondsibilites. Enabling is doing for others what they can do for themselves. Now is the time to start to work your own recovery and get out of God's way and your brothers way. Let the chips fall where they may so to speak. I know how hard this is to do so please find some meetings in your area and get support. I wish you all the best Blessings
I'm not resentful of what my mother asked of me. I do care about my brother, and didn't want to see him homeless. I have a feeling that may see his funeral before I see him homeless, though. It has been a consistant pattern. He'll pull a good drunk, and then has to pull another drunk to feel better from the previous drunk. The only thing that has stopped him in the past is the law.
He promised my mother the day before she died that he was going to turn his life around, and develop a relationship with his daughter (he's 43, and has a 10 yr old daughter). He convinced me into believing him. Kept saying this time it felt different, and this time he was going to get a fresh start. His wife left him after his 2nd DUI, and was fired from his job ($130k/yr). It has been a train wreck since.
I've tried to talk to my wife about this, but all she does is get mad. Partly at me becuase I "put up with it", a partly at him because he's thrown his life away.
As has already been said enabling comes in many diff forms what sums it up for me is * Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves* nothing will ever change . Absolutley nothing changes til Someone changes and we cannot wait for the alcoholic to see the light . your the only one that can decide when its time to stop doing for him , our insanity comes from doing the same thing over and over again thinking this time it will be different . we lie for them , we make excuses for thier behavior we belive the lives they tell us this is a disease and it is progressive . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand your dilema . call 1-888-4alanon for the nearest meeting in your area. you have nothing to loose by trying this program it will only improve your life .what your doing now isnt working try our program for a few months and make an informed decission based on fact rather than emotion . there is always hope dont give up . Louise
Aloha NCSU and welcome again to MIP. This board is treasure if you keep coming back with an open mind and the willingness to listen and consider the experiences of the membership.
For me the difference between helping and enabling was distilled into a short simple lesson which still guides me today. What I was taught was that "if the alcoholic has the time, ability and facility to take care of her responsibilities and I step in and take over; that's enabling. If she lacks any one of those things - and - I ask if she needs help; that's helping. It applies to everyone and situation. The consequence to what the enabler does is "Enables the situation to get worse". That's the consequence of what I did and as long as I did that she had no reason and often times no opportunity to take care of it by herself. Another word that works with enabling is "rescuing". My alcoholic often got into trouble and I rescued at every opportunity. I was so good at it that at times when she was hurt and we took her to professionals it was the pro- fessionals that called me in to "fix" the situation.
Many times the rescuers and/or enablers use the most unrational reasons for doing what they do considering that the problem almost always gets worse the reasons for fixing don't make sense because we want the alcoholic to get better and that doesn't very often happen. One of the things I learned to use to interfere with my fixing was a believe in a power greater than myself that I could and would turn my alcoholic wife over to with complete trust and practice. No it didn't happen over night and it wasn't supposed to and guess what...when I let go my alcoholic wife got sober. I found out that she always wanted to be sober but because this disease is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body she had lost the ability to decide if and when she drank....booze owned and controlled her not the other way around. She hated it and drank anyway. Cunning, powerful and baffling is a complete description of the characteristics of alcoholism.
Get more information for yourself and when you can get it from the literature table inside the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups for family, friends and associates of alcoholics. The number is in the white pages of your phone book.
That your wife is angry and angry at you is usual and normal in alcoholism see if she will go with you to a bunch of meetings so that she also can come to understanding.
He already has the apartment and that is his inheritances , his birthright, he is entitled to it. Your Mother wanted him to have it.
Now what he chooses to do with it is his responsibility. When I asked the XAH to leave, I had to find the apartment and rent it with his money Or he would have never left. He still lives in his apartment. I dont care what he does there, its his business.
You might now want to stop checking up on him and leave him to his disease. Quit expecting him to change, thats completely up to him to get help or not.
Start working your recovery and program and acquire some loving detachment for your own sanity. try to attend face to face Alanon meetings, this will be very helpful for you.
I believe you setting up the apartment is just fine. But that is all you need to do. The rest is up to him. That is the letting go part. If you pay his bills for him, and help him get phone numbers to call, and check on him all the time and obsess, then that is enabling. You helped him get the place, but its his now. I hope his HP helps him recover
I'm not a big fan of labels like "enabler", but do appreciate your questions.... You have received tons of great replies on here.... I'd encourage you to pick up the book entitled "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews..... This book will help you understand a lot more of what your brother is going through, and what he really needs and/or how you can really help..... Unfortunately, the "normal" concept of being caring and giving doesn't typically work for alcoholics.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You got good responses here, and especially from Jerry. Keep coming back...we have meetings twice daily and open chat round the clock. Alanon can teach and help you so much.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your brother. You can improve your situation with alanon principles in my opinion.
Need to talk, IM me... Friends In Recovery...
