The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some people may consider my message here very dark and unpleasant. I'm just trying to understand what had happened to me. Please correct me if I had been wrong in my analysis here...
I had befriended with several alanon friends, and have been surprised by their behaviors toward me. During the meeting , after the meetings, or any alanon related activities, they are friendly and helpful. However, outside of alanon context, they are rude and interact with me with a sense of superiority. Their behaviors definitely don't measure up to the social standard of what potential friends should interact with each other.
I can tell they are interested in befriending with me, so it's not that they want to keep me away...I have been scratching my head really hard about this phenomenon. Do I unconsciously pick immature and rude friends? Is it me that cause these behaviors? Do most of alanon members have serious psychological problems?
I concluded it must be me and they. Here is how I came to my conclusion ...
For the sake of my own growth, during meetings I shared a lot about myself - things most people don't usually want to disclose because they are too embarrassing.
My self-disclosure probably made some people feel good for wrong reasons - listening to my problems make them feel good, perhaps because they suffer from low self-esteem and were glad that other people have serious problems too. This unhealthy "enjoyment" manifest itself unconsciously when they interacted with me.
If my thesis here is true, then all support groups that foster growth through sharings , alanon or not, can be potential dangerous to the members who have shared about themselves a lot, when they relate to members outside of the structure/process that protect all participating members.
Am I correct? I would appreciate people who have good insight about people.
I have to say that , after a series of these negative personal experience, I no longer perceive meetings as a source of warmth.
I also have to say these people have not put into much effort in their personal growth, so I still trust some members who have been serious about their growth.
Like all groups, there are always people there for wrong reasons. Alanon is a group that foster growth and change, but some people use it as a source of good feelings, and not particularly interested in changing themselves. Unfortunately these "good" feelings enabled them to avoid facing their own issues. After all, people need to fall into a bottom before they have the motivation to change.
Could it be they want to befriend you because you have the courage to speak up and share things they can't?
Sometimes groups share a like thing, does not mean they are nice people or someone you want or could be friends outside a group.
I was in a huge network of animal lovers, the main one pot pigs. We had huge pignics. When we would get together I found wow, many were liars, thieves, gossipers etc.
This can be true of car groups, al anon, aa, fishing people etc.
Does not mean most al anoners are nutcases or all pig lovers are liars....
I hate to say this but I find most people are not very nice. No one is all bad. But in my career and in my experiences with groups, I find this to be true.
It is ok to be in groups and not be friends. To be able to share about the issue or interest of that group.
I have bumpled heads with a few of the MIP friends over these many years. If we met we may not like each other at all, but then we might find we like each other a lot. Just becuz we share an interest in Al Anon does not mean a lot.
Not sure if I answered anything for you. You are one intelligent, thinking cookie.
Hello and welcome , I cant answer you question other than to say that the real nitty gritty stuff i dont share at meetings only with my sponsor ,I have been here long enough that it wouldnt really matter if she told all at this point in my life ... I have never felt the way u describe your relationships out side of meeting format ,today all of my friends are pretty much Al-Anon related- as it says in our literature you may not like all of us but u will learn to love us in a special way .. there are members who my only responsibility to them is to be polite and respectful and i can do that for an hr I dont have to interact with them outside of the meeting . I choose to be with people who only want the best for me who show me the respect I am willing to show them . I attend several different meetings in a week so my friendship pool is pretty large .. Potentially dangerous ?? the anonymity is what keeps our program safe I share nothing that could harm my family , have been doing this for a very long time and probably only 6 people know my last name . am sorry your feeling the way u do perhaps its time to find a new meeting or two .
As we learn boundaries, it applies to all area's of our lives.
Alanon is an organization, as in any organization, churches, charity groups, working environments, etc. we are a reflection of society. There are all kinds. We can only be as nice as our capacity will allow. We are all in different stages of growth.
I say dont let anyone impede your growth.....
Keep coming back, because it works, if you work it.
Abbyal said "sponsor" and that's what I've learned also along with when my mouth is going on I'm not listening and the learning comes in the listening and asking for feedback and help from the group and sponsor. Listen, learn, practice, practice practice...that for me is how I was taught and it works. In support (((((hugs)))))
Hi and thank you for your post. :) First thing that came to my mind was there are alot of sick people running around lol... I was one of them :) Hell, I didnt even see myself as such, hows that :) Anyhow, I know I certainly wouldnt focus to much on what others are doing or how their recovery is coming along with them...I didnt go to alanon with the intention of making friends, but that was me. Its like any other setting I think, you find people that you relate to more than others. As I change my friendships have changed as well...MY best friend in the whole world i see now as probably one of the most unstable people I know. I cant be around her any longer, it is unhealthy for me and I know when I have to get out of harms way :) thanks for sharing :)
I agree that the really intimate details of my life are not shared at a meeting but with a sponser
. Meetings, for me, as Jerry shared are for me to Listen and Learn and practice the tools.
. The ODAT reminds me to make sure that my shares provide positive use of the program and to talk to a sponser about the other.
. I also do not and believe that I need to make alanon friends for socialsoutside the rooms.
This is a program that has saved my life. The tools the support are priceless but i know that outside the meeting we all put on our outside selves and it takes time to connect even if at a meeting we connect .
I hsve many sponsees and alanon friends. We go to lunch and dinner and dicuss our issues.
I do not do other socials with them
Take what you like and leave the rest.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 22nd of September 2010 07:55:56 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 22nd of September 2010 07:58:02 AM
Thanks for the post. It really made me do some thinking about my F2F group meetings. I don't get that feeling from my meetings at all. I am there for one thing, and that is to improve the quality of my life with the tools that I am learning. I am not there to make friendships on a social level. I do care for these people because we are all basically in the same boat, but I prefer to keep that side of my life seperate. I guess if people are there to feel superior, that is none of my business. If they are there for socialization or whatever, it is none of my business. I know what I need to do to further my growth in this program and that is what I am doing. Whatever you are doing, you only get out of it, what you put into it. This program works if you work it. Peace.
The first thing that popped into my mind when I read your post was when you see people who seem to like you on the outside they may act differently because they are afraid of you exposing thier anominity. The fact that they go to alanon may not be something they share with thier outside friends and are afraid you will say something an "out" them. That being said I think you already got some really awesome replies that also may explain your alanon friends toward you on the outside. First i would agree that really personal stuff should be shared and worked through with your sponsor rather than a group as a whole especially of you think it would make people uncomfortable. And I also agree that while we are all here for a common purpose, maybe we all are not nice people or people we would choose as friends in different circumtances. Not sure is any of that helped you but thought i would throw my 2 cents in lol Blessings
I have been in the program, however, a couple of years now and have really developed a knowing of which members make good matches as friends for me outside the meetings.
For me, an important part of my recovery is the fellowship outside the meetings. I learn to trust and socialize with other people. I've long been someone who is self-described as having social anxiety, so it's really important for me to step outside of my comfort zone and hang out after the meeting for a while with my Al-Anon friends. It is also important for me to break my nasty isolation habit.
Would I hang out with every meeting member at social events outside of meetings? No. There are some people I recognize I likely wouldn't gel with outside of the meetings, and I thus keep my interactions with them limited to the meeting rooms and don't choose to make an effort to socialize with them outside the meetings.
The people in the meetings are all at varying degrees of recovery. We all move forward in the program at different paces and it is very true that some are sicker than others and are struggling with their recovery, which at the same time could make them more difficult and possibly even emotionally dangerous to interact with outside of the meetings.
It's important for me, however, not to place myself in judgement of other meeting members, and just recognize that some may be struggling and try to have some compassion for them. If they are behaving in a way that would otherwise disturb me, I get to actively practice detaching with love. That's what's great about the Al-Anon meetings - they are a safe place for me to practice the use of the tools Al-Anon has given me.
Eventually, if I start to feel like a particular meetings is just plain unhealthy and I'm not feeling good, I get to make the choice to start regularly attending a different meeting in my area. I was told early on in Al-Anon to get to as many meetings as I could. It's a good way to find a group that I really like and feel like I can relate to. Not all meetings are exactly the same, and branching out and checking out the rest of the meetings in the area can make a difference.
I can tell you, living in a small town, that I'll often see the exact same faces at just about every single meeting I attend. Everyone here attends at least two different meetings. But just because some of those same people are there, the meeting is STILL different because the mix of members is different, and each member brings their own energy - positive or negative - to a meeting. It's really very interesting.
Sorry you're feeling that way.... my two cents would be that you may, in fact, have legitimate concerns about these individuals, but they are individuals - they don't stand for or represent Al-Anon as a whole, so it makes no sense to throw the whole program away....
Sometimes there are conflicts within individuals from meetings - best option would be to find another meeting, if that is possible....
The program itself encourages openness, honesty, self-reflection, and sharing.... I'm quite sure that you won't feel that sort of judgement here, and hopefully you won't feel it at your next meeting
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
i usually go to other fellowships only been to a few alanon meetings. but ive learnt a few things, i like that saying about the fellowships 'We are all here (in the rooms) because we are not all there (like not all perfect in the head). ive also found there are some people anywhere thats best to not get to close to, in my own limited experience some people i now avoid are the ones i notice that tend to punce on newcomers, and force themselves onto them. When I first came in the rooms I was vunerable and some people like exurting their wills onto others like a big power trip. which is totally different from being supportive, kind and welcoming to newcomers and offering help in a gentle way. I hope u keep going to meetngs cause they arent all the people, theres real nice people in the meetings too! Dont let anyone stop you from going to meetings its too important to let a few people stop you!
-- Edited by Slugcat on Wednesday 22nd of September 2010 04:55:24 PM
I always felt the group had it's purpose and that I didn't usually make "friends" there. We are there to support each other, and I didn't hang out with them very much. Yet I didn't experience this. I found most of the people in my original group to behave pretty much the same all the time. Of course sometimes they'll let their guard down and you'll see a different side of them, but they are human afterall, as you and i are.
Thank you all for your great support and sharing of your experience. Because we don't know each other and can't give recognition to each other, your support feels more genuine and is more appreciated.
Perhaps people wonder why I should care or think about other Alanon members, let's just say that I also have social scientist mind: I like to observe and to think: how a group achieve its mission, and what process works and what process don't work.
My experience have opened my eyes , and gives me a more realistic picture of how sharing impacts others.
It's a bit sad because I always feel that in Alanon meetings, we only talk about a few problems, among all sorts of problems out there. I wonder how we can really improve ourselves through meetings with such limitation of topics. If sponsors are to take on the rest of the problems, then they are mighty important.
Unfortunately I've had no luck with sponsors. Please excuse my lack of modesty here.. I'm an independent thinker, have learned to observe people, and have accumulated a variety of life experience and understandings. My past sponsors felt they should know more than me, and thus were very uncomfortable with me. For me, authority figure per se means nothing. I just appreciate insight , from either a somebody or a nobody.
Actually, I'm more interested in receiving empathy from sponsors than to learn from them. But I don't know any sponsors who are interested in just being empathetic.
The road ahead is a challenge for me. In my current journey to achieve transformation, I definitely appreciate this group where I can voice my less-than-enthusiastic thoughts and observation. I had been feeling very stressed out ever since I realized people have healthy and unhealthy reaction to others' sharings. After writing and reading all of your supportive posts, I feel more relieved. For this, I can't thank all of you enough.
I can really identify with your thoughts and beliefs. Before entering these rooms I too thought that I was an independent thinker who could solve all my problem with the tools I understood and possessed. I resented authority, thought no one knew more than I and that I was always right.
I entered alanon only to discover that this very thinking is what got me to the rooms of alanon I was not teachable. That is why the program suggests that we sit down, and listen and learn.
The tools I used to live were fine as far as they went. They stopped working and alanon advised me that "Changed Attitudes" would aid recovery. The changed attitudes were obtained by doing what the program suggested and not siting back judging and observing. I was asked to act and not react and keep showing up. The one slogan that really hit hoime with me was,
" Utilize and Do NOT analyze"
This is a simple program for complicated people It requires work and change. It is for WHOEver wants IT and is willing to keep an open mind
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 23rd of September 2010 10:36:03 AM
I'm not sure I understand what exactly you are driving at. I only know that we have a principle that states in every meeting: What 's said here stays here.
Alanon is not affiliated with any other associations.
When I was new to alanon I appreciated the fact that Outside our meetings, in public, we stuck with anonymity, and did not acknowledge or speak when meeting in a store , for example. Anonymity protects us, for we never know what is happening in others' lives and would not endanger anyone.
Stop taking things personally, is my reaction. I'm sorry if I missed the point , however.
On sharing inside meetings, it's up to you how much detail you want to share, but I think in general we are there to not just vent and unload, but to help other members know how we used an alanon tool that helped us work through our problems.
I dont have to interact with them outside of the meeting . I choose to be with people who only want the best for me who show me the respect I am willing to show them .