The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everybody, just an update really. My boyfriend had been in a detox program last week, but left early against their advice. I had just been starting to feel a sense of peace, had been deep cleaning our apartment while he was gone, and was just about to start a long day's work on that project when I got a call from him. He said he was ready to come home, and asked if I could pick him up. I got down to the treatment center and was told that they wanted him to stay, they weren't going to tell him I was here, etc, etc. Long story short, we ended up leaving. However. They had been giving him high doses of benzo's for 4 days, and they told me that he could have a seizure because he was leaving without being weaned off them. I immediately got sucked into the madness and spent the weekend running all over town with him looking for benzo's, which just ended up in him smoking heroin. Great. So now, he's all set to enter another week-long detox program with inpatient treatment immediately following that. He's going in Thursday AM. I am so, so relieved he will be in a safe place getting the help he needs. I am also so, so terrified of being alone for...who knows how long. Even two or three months, maybe. It sounds impossible to me. At the same time, I'm tentatively looking forward to having a good chunk of 'me' time to work on myself and to get my life back in order. I'm also looking even farther forward to a sober, healthier and happier bf (hp willing?). So there it is. I have terror and hope kind of clashing inside of me and I feel pretty anxious about everything, but my logical mind knows it's all for the best.
Whew. I know that might've been long and confusing, but it felt good to get out.
What struck me was: "chunk of 'me' time to work on myself and to get my life back in order. "
Do you see you know that with the A you do not work on yourself much and your life is not in order with him?
GREAT insight. This is where Al Anon is great. We learn to do that ALL the time. We do our best to do for us first, and we continue to be aware of our own life.
The disease sucks our self care and it somehow makes it so our own stuff gets all mixed up and ignored.
I would look up and see cobwebs I did not notice. Realize I needed to get me some new tops. That throwing on a huge t shirt was not making me feel real pretty.
And what was feeling pretty again?
Rehab is a way of life for many A's. In and out and in and out. good time, bad time. roller coaster for them and us.
The more we can keep a stable routine life, taking care of ourselves, the better our relationship will be. We are living with someone who is very sick, when they are sickest, they are insane.
We politely say they are using, they are drunks, we forget, the truth is they are insane.
But we love them warts and all. So if we can, Al Anon offers us tools so we can live with them as healthily as possible.
I do hope he will have LOTS of recovery time, that he will cont. onto AA ninty in ninty. If you go to Al anon meetings your chances of a happier relationship are much higher. But remember it is never cured.
The more educated we are about the disease, and we take care of us the better it will be.
That is a full color living example of the insanity of the disease. Run to a meeting for help is the best suggestion I can think of...my experience. ((((hugs))))
Hi Ellie and thank you for your post. I would sure take this time to work your program and find yourself in this mix of things. His problems cannot be solved by you , nor can he fix you. This disease without a doubt can drive us crazy and act in ways that prove it lol...been there myself. Learning what are our responsibiities and another persons are after being so emeshed in another person took me some time. Quite honestly, I came here not getting that in the most remote sense. I think the break will do you good, sometimes its hard to see things when we are caught up in the chaos, drama and insanity. It is insane. Sadly enough, it appears as normal once you start getting used to it. Take this time to get to f2f meetings, examine what your needs and wants are and how you want your life to be. There is no amount of hoping or loving that will cure an addict, work on the one thing you can cure which is yourself. blessings your way and thank you for sharing...:)
Hi Ellie, As some of the others have said, I hope you will go to some f2f meetings.
I've been right where you are - caught up in the chaos of my AH's disease, doing things that are just insane under the guise of "helping" him. I hope rehab helps your bf, I really do. However, the reality is that it may not. All of the rehabs in the world can't help someone who really doesn't want to be helped. I have found that out. My AH has been to 11 rehabs in the past 8 years - right now he is in a detox facility. He is 6 days sober today. I have no idea if he'll stay sober, and, I can't worry about it because I have no control over it. He has to find whatever it is that will keep him sober, and so does your bf. We can't do it for them.
Regardless of what happens to your bf, you can have peace in your life. Your bf clearly needs help, but so do you. I hope you take some time to focus on yourself.
Thanks for your feedback everyone, I've been coming to alanon meetings for about a year, but I'm still early in my actual recovery. I understand the point is to feel okay "whether the alcoholic is drinking or not"... I'm not there yet! I have made progress, though, so I won't be too hard on myself. If he calls me early from this detox, I will not pick him up. He's set to have an escort between the detox and inpatient rehab centers, so there's no pressure on me to be involved in that either - I can see how it could turn ugly. He's still set on going into this detox center, but when we turned up this morning (after being told he had a referral and was sure to be accepted today), we found out his referral was actually for MONDAY morning, earlier if possible (and judging from the amount of people there, I don't think he'll be getting in until monday). I was pretty disappointed. I'm ready for some R&R time, even if it is lonely and hard. But I'm keeping my spirits up and crossing my fingers for monday.
