The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First let me say I am thankful for a site like this where I can express my concerns and know you will share the benefit of your experience. My husband of 20 years has developed a binge drinking pattern and it really has me on edge. He is a well liked, professional man who is fortunately a funny, mellow drunk so I've not dealt with a mean drunk.... but that really doesn't make me feel better about the situation. I'm worried he's making increasingly poor decisions as time goes on. This really started 3 years ago when my husband and his brother assumed running the operations of their parents farm, in addition to their own careers. With the added stress, within a year both guys were on high blood pressure meds and working every available weekend doing physical farm work. My inlaws btw are oblivious to the burdens their decision have created for all of us. What I noticed is that my husband would come home on a Sunday and within 20 minutes had a mixed drink in his hand. The pattern moved to not just one drink but 3-4 drinks. Then mixed drinks in a 32 oz cup. Then on the occasional weekend he didn't go to the farm, the drinking started earlier in the weekend and he could go through an entire liter of whiskey in a weekend. Naturally this is bad for his health, a great concern, interfered with our family life (having friends over or going places), etc. At first he'd stay home and drink, but this last weekend he was at the farm and apparently started drinking while doing field work, then got in his truck and drove the 60 minutes home. That did it for me. I've been doing the predicatable confrontations for the past 2 years, but this was it. I told him that if he does anything to embarrass us, if he loses his professional license or his drivers license from a DUI, we will be through. If he wants to destroy himself then i can't stop that but I will not go down with him. I'm guessing that binge drinking is just another form of alcoholism, correct?.
Binge drinking is only one identification that maybe there is a problem with alcohol or even alcoholism. If they constantly think about it or talk about it could be another indication...there are many and you can get alot of information from the net the AMA and NIH and other sites to become more informed.
That it has become a problem for you is the only necessary qualification for member- ship in the Al-Anon Family Groups which can not only inform you but save your sanity if not also your life. It's been around for 65 years and is in every major country on this planet. Glad you found the door thru MIP. Lots of Al-Anon members here but not all.
I tried rationalizing with my alcoholic and addicted wives and setting down the rules and consequences and then after more evidence on how that was soooo bafflingly not working I had the program wake me up. When you're talking with a drunk it's like speaking a foreign language like going to a place that only spoke chineese and demanding they listen in english. It really is that descriptive. I once whined to my sponsor that after a drunk I was trying to rationalize with my spouse who was going thru a hangover. He asked me how it went and I told him she got pissed and threw a book at me. He then asked that if I were in her condition would I have done any better? Lesson learned!! When he's under the influence (and this can mean alot of things) and you're not it's best to call a sponsor, some one else in the program or come here. You'll get more two way communications, understanding and support.
Keep coming back and if you're not already familiar with Al-Anon check them out on line from the face page of MIP. (((((hugs)))))
It's hard to not set limits or appeal to someone's 'good sense' about their self destructive behavior, especially when they have so many good things going for them, why would they create misery for themselves? But i get that we are talking about an addiction or at least a compulsion, so no logic applies. It is a REAL problem for me. I realized and said this weekend that I am tired of being angry and worried, and I very much resent that I spend my mental energy on this issue that I didn't create. Now I'm in self protection mode and looking for help. So thank you, Jerry. I need the perspectives of others in this case, because I haven't been down this road before and I feel like I'm not sure what to do next. But I intend to research until I have a clearer picture.
Hang in there, keeping coming back, get to some Face to face meetings. You'll need alot of support at this time. You will make the decisions you have to make in time, but there's no need to rush into anything.
cLM. I once almost married a farmer. OMG thank goodness i didn't. He was sleep deprived and honestly walked talked and ate in his sleep.
It was eerie. So they can be almost insane not using! This guy didn't lock down his tractor trailer, came off and killed two people behind him!
Anyway the thing is, we have no idea if he is A. But does it matter? The behavior is horribly scarey. I know that worry, mine would always take off after telling everyone he was going to kill himself. That was just so wonderful...
Did it up until he was an adult, this way he could go out and drink himself almost to death without anyone knowing where he was. In almost forty years i never saw him use.But he was almost always completely soaked.
we have NO control over what they do. To them it is like water is to you. They think they have to have it. It is an illness. Even if he is not A, what he is doing is very, very dangerous. Farming is dangerous, period, add drugs...gads then driving....
When we first see it is affecting us, our first thought is they have to change. But sadly it does not work that way. We have the three C's did not cause it cannot control it and cannot cure it.
I am sure you have seen nothing you say or do is making any difference.What we in Al Anon do is educate ourselves about the disease. We learn to take care of ourselves, and learn to live with the A or we leave or they do.
You can try to make boundaries, many will say and stick to, if you are drinking I won't be going to the meeting with you. or if you drink I will not have dinner waiting. Mine would feed it to the dog...rrrrr
For now the best thing is to go to meetings around you, there are ones here. There is this board and a chat room. You can also pm people on this board and email if you both agree.
It is very hard. I know you are in a hard place. Being an addict is a disease, it is in dna. He cannot choose to just stop. IF he is an addict. Ulitmatums make it worse, anything we try to do to control it, makes it worse.
After awhile his disease will make everyone around him sick too.
Tom is offering a free book,"Getting Them Sober." It is such a great book to start.
The only and best way to get through this is through Al Anon. Well it is for ME the best option.
We learn to love them and hate the disease. it is hard at first to accept it is one.
welcome to MIP I certainly understand your worries and concerns. My son is an addict, we live in a small community so believe me when i tell you in the beginning it was highly embarssing and humliatating. When sober he is the greatest young man you could meet, He is highly intelligent, athletic, muscally and artistically talented and above all has a great love for our family. Never in our lives did we in our wildest dreams think one of our children would turn to drugs or alcohol. BIG WAKE UP CALL ! Quickly embarssasment became the least of our worries and what seemed to be complete self destruction and death took over our lives. Our son still lived at home and he would tkae drugs that kept him awake for days at a time, no sleep so no sleep for me either. I couldn't trust he wouldn't burn the house down and even when he slept I had to make sure he continued to breathe. I was sick if not sicker than my son by the time i hit the doors of alanon. I wasn't sleeping, eating taking care of myself. Truth was I had lost myself in him a long time before. What is his bottom? I've no idea he has OD'd several times..not his bottom... spent considerable time in jail...not his bottom. Thankfully he never got his drivers liscence or tried to take one of our cars. But i sure knew when I hit my bottom and found alanon that has literally saved my sanity and my life. I learned and am still learning how to separate my son from his disease. My love for him will never wavier and we will always love him uncondtionally. But that doesn't mean we have to enable his behavior. Remember it is a progressive disease...it only gets worse until they hit their own bottom. For your husband it may be losing his professional licsesne or a DUI, What I have learned that although they reek havoc on the family and it seems as though they don't love thier family, I can tell you they do love their families as much as their disease will allow it. The alcohol or drugs will always come first and foremost that is how the disease protects itself. And even when they are sober and you think you are have a conversation with a rational person you are not. They are thinking about that next drink or high and their disease will tell you whatever it is you need to hear to get you off their back. Even in sober moments you are still speaking with the disease. Like the analogy that Jerry gave you about speaking with an alcohoic I was given a similar one " talking with and alcoholic/addict is like talking with a stop sign" They are not hearing you and they are giving you the message to Stop. Actions speak louder than words. You need to decide what your boundries are and stick by them. The first time you don't they know they can get over on you. So if your bottom line is if he embarasses you, gets a DUI or loses his lisence than you are leaving you better be ready to follow through. Thats what gets thier attention. If you are not ready to follow through then don't make the threat because then he knows you are just making empty threats and will find a way around them....trust me I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I hope you find some meetings in your area and start attending. Get into your own recovery no matter what your husband is doing I wish you the best of luck blessings
I first want to say welcome my friend you are right where you need to be. It has already been said, you can not reason with a drunk....don't waste your time or energy...you may as well talk to the wall....
Get yourself some help...you are in the right place. Start taking care of you. I know all too well about the small town...My husband was an alcoholic/addict as well and everyone knew it.
You can raise above it once you realize who gives a shat what other people think and it's him not you.
I appreciate the benefit of your experiences (and all that responded to my post). I have to tell you Xeno59 that your story really hit me. It's one thing if my 50 year old husband binge drinks but if this were my 18 year old daughter-- I'd be hysterical. The posts you and others provided did give me pause to ask myself if I can still love the person, hate the disease but learn to live with it. I can love the person and hate the disease, but I'm not sure I can live with it. I am not prone to empty threats and if his drinking presents legal or financial problems for us, I strongly feel like I'll have to act because I just will not be dragged down. And you are right, being embarrassed is the least of the problems.
I pretty much operate from the stance that we are responsible for our choices and others are responsible for theirs, and the consequences that result. I've had some other life lessons that have taught me that you can care tremendously, but you can't save people from themselves. When it comes down to it the only person you can count on is yourself. Most of all, after reading many posts, everyone makes a convincing case for getting to a face to face meeting, so I think that's my next step. I can see I still have a lot to learn. I've already learned somethings just reading other people's posts.
