The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This has nothing to do with the ABF in my life. It has to do with my exhusband and his abusive ways still effecting me. Why do I let him have that kind of power over me? Today while we exchanged our child (I drive my son to meet the ex for school so I can get to work on time), he had a problem with what my son was wearing. I do not have any of the clothes supplies at my house, except for what the ex gives me for him to wear when he is with me. I don't have the money to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe so we have been sharing the clothes. Well, now I will have to go out and buy clothes for my 8 year old son because it is causing my ex to get all pissy with me. My reaction was bad. I got defensive. I yelled back, in the parking lot of the school, then he turned it around on me and asked why I was so defensive and crazy. I told him he couldn't talk to me like that anymore because I wasn't his wife anymore and he slammed the car door in my face. I tried to be a rational human being, but it didn't work out. I fell right back into the old ways with him. I have been working so hard, and then I go and fall back in the hole. I am tired. I am sick and tired of it all. I wish there were another way, but I have to deal with him on a daily basis, because not only are we co-parenting, but he also works in the same place as me, so I see him a couple times a day.
The other thing that is riding on my shoulders is that my partner I do photography with and I are not seeing eye to eye on something and I keep giving in to her and letting her get her way and then I get mad at her for doing just what I said she could do, because I am not really ok with it at all.
Grateful list needs to happen:
I am grateful for my two healthy sons. I am grateful for the fact that I have a job that is full time and that my supervisor is the sweetest boss I have ever had. I am grateful that the sun is shining and the weather is nice. I am grateful for the fact that I am alive right now, even though I fight my depression every day, I am still here, still living. I am working on changing my own reactions into clear thought out responses. I am a work in progress. Just for today.... A year ago I was in a mental hospital for 5 days because I was suicidal. I am grateful for the therapist I had who sent me there to keep me alive. I am grateful for you all. I am grateful for my abf, if I didn't know him I would not have found alanon and the courage to change....
I think you said it your self hon. "What makes him still have control over me?" It is not the cloths or anything. It is him saying anything that may upset you.
If you felt better,loved your grateful list, you may have laughed and said, "hey he would love some new cloths from you!"
let it bounce off. I have been where you have gone. It takes lots to climb back out, and then we have to maintain it.
Are you feeling fragile? I am right now. It does have to be hard to share a child like that. Is it possible to set a boundary of when we exchange our kiddo I am requesting a good morn and that is it?
I know for me I would arrange my life to fit my personal life as best as I could. I was a widow raising two kids. NOT always easy I know.
Is there an before school program that you could bring him to if you guys left ealier?
Hey as long as he has eaten, is clean and cloths are clean, we know he is more than ok!
Again it is more we learn to take care of us and we don't allow others to control how we feel.
Took me years and I am working hard on it again!!!
Hugs lady,debilyn Ps I hit thrift stores and find super quality names every single time, My daughter does now too for her son. Lots of GAP stuff and more.
Oh Maize, there was so much recovery in your post - even if you don't see it. It gave me goosebumps and I just want to give you a big hug.
You are doing just fine. We all say things the wrong way or get angry - even those with YEARS of recovery. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are a work in progress and I SEE the progress.
You becoming AWARE that you are behaving in a certain way with the photography partner is great - and soon you will apply that awareness to other places as well . . .
Like the fact that just because your exA threw a fit about the clothes doesn't mean you HAVE to do anything.
For me, this awareness was the beginning of change. I might try to change that something 20 times and then get it right once, and then mess up again - but after a while and practice the ability to say "no" becomes easier. The ability to share your opinion without fear of rejection becomes easier. For me it was really little bites and I still struggle, but the improvement has been great and it started with me going "Hey, look at how I react to ____________________, that can't be good! Maybe I should change that."
Actually, you know what REALLY helps me when communicating with others . . . at least those willing to listen a little and who care about me . . . is if I am REALLY scared to say no, or disagree, or give me opinion - I start by saying "I am really scared to say this . . . " and it IMMEDIATELY disarms them and puts them into caring and listen mode. Works every single time so far. The end result, I said what I needed to say and it turns out most of the time I had nothing to be afraid of.
Awareness of self was like taking off the blinders to life.
Thank you so much for your share! We are here for you.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Thank you Tricia... my exhusband is not an alcoholic, but he was VERY abusive and controlling in so many other ways. And I let him have that power over me. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did. But I still have to deal with him :( So that is very true, being aware of my SELF is taking off the blinders to my life. I am aware that I behaved in that way this morning, and I know that one day I will be able to stop him with a very calm and disarming voice... I can hope anyway. In the mean time... I am trying hard to stay in this moment right now. Stay in this very second ...
Like the others said, don't beat yourself up. Why is it that we are always so hard on ourselves? We make mistakes. It's ok.
My exaH can and does annoy the heck out of me at times. I too am learning that sometimes no response at all is the best response. And I am learning to get better at giving me the time I need to fully understand the way I feel about a problem or a resolution, before sharing it with anyone else. "Give me some time to think about this" has been added to my tool box, not always applied, but added nonetheless. I have also heard someone else use the tool "You may be right" to fix (and prevent) many problems. I notice when I am feeling vulnerable and fragile and afraid, this is when I am most likely to fall back on older "tools" or coping strategies that I SWORE I had thrown out! lol
On another note, it's nice that your children's father is concerned about his son's appearance. My exaH seems so unplugged, that I don't know what would ever make him come out of himself enough to be concerned enough to attempt to address it with me.
We all make mistakes. Enjoy those kiddos. And each day, as you say, be grateful for all your blessings, and be grateful for all your strengths and accomplishments
Thanks Rora... I love that "give me some time to think about it" that is great! I need to learn to tell people I need time to think about things. THank you!
Then as the child starts growing , they do something or say things that you swear your X husband or wife is standing there before you. For a split second you dont like your kid, lol... So on having a child with the X, stays with you forever. For after all they are 50% of us and 50% of them.
I guess my point is that we are responsible for all our actions past, present and future. We chose these people. Even though my first husband snatched my daughter when she was 6 and I did not see her again until she was 12, and then not again until she was 24, the hatred, anger and rage I had toward him and the legal system almost destroyed me. Then I met the alcoholic, more obstacles. The journey of my life has been extrordinary, I would not change a thing. I wouldnt have found Buddhism or Alanon.
There will always be people in our environment that we will disagree with or they just bug us. Just accept it. A very wise man has a quote: "Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and enjoyment as facts of life." life is how we react to it.
These are just little bumps in the road , nothing for us alanons , who travel the higher road.
Courage and wisdom, Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 21st of September 2010 03:44:36 PM
ahh mazie ,you dont have to go and spend money you don't have , if your ex has a problem with sons clothes calmly suggest that he may like to take him shopping telling your ex you cant afford to right now . I know what u mean when u say the intimidating behavior sends you over the edge and you react this man cant hurt you unless u let him . Your not less than to anyone , your a single mom doing the best you can at the moment . And in the brief moments u have to spend in his company maybe you can smile inside and know that you don't have to live with him '' that would work for me . hehe
THank you all! I am so glad I have this board to come to every day. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to get through right now. I am looking into buddism... my 13 year old is actually reading something by Noah Levine right now! HA! I am going to ask to borrow the book. I think I need some calm in my life. I know I do.
'' that would work for me . hehe