The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sorry to say that I haven't visited here in a while . . . my AH and I separated a year ago, and I have enjoyed the peace and serenity in my life selfishly. The reason for my post today is that I have a dear, dear friend (she's more than a friend, she's like a sister to me) that I believe is in BIG trouble. I think she's an alcoholic, but won't admit it. I have been in her presence more than once and have "smelled" that "day-after" smell.... if you've lived with an alcoholic, you KNOW what I mean. It's happened several times in the past few years, and I don't see her very often. We talk almost every day, but lately, she's been experiencing a lot of difficulty in her personal life. I'm afraid she is turning to alcohol to cope, and I am very scared for her. I have suggested she go to a counselor to get some advice to cope, but I'm afraid she won't do that either. In our conversations, I hear that she admits she's not coping well, but she never admits to drinking. This past year has been riddled with problems for her, and I don't know how to help. My fear is that if I ask her about drinking, she will end up angry with me. I can't offend her, but I feel like I should DO something..... I just don't know what. All suggestions are appreciated - please share ..... thank you - God bless.
I think you know the answer.It has to be horribly hard to be in your situation. Of course you want to help.
If you keep bringing it up, she may not want to be around you anymore.
We learn in Al Anon to not focus on their illness. It is none of our business. If we choose to be around them, we accept others how we want to be accepted for who we are. If we can't then for me I will not be around them.
This illness is not like one we can say hey do you think maybe it is the caffeine keeping you up? That is not personal.
But when it comes to addiction, no matter what we say, it is taken personal.
A's know what their disease is doing. They know if they use they feel awful. But they may not believe it is a problem. Though we see it.
I can tell you care very much. The sad thing is we can do nothing. All we can do for that person controlled by whatever addiction, is love the person and detach from the behavior and just listen.
I hear you on this, as if I had a friend that had a problem, I would be hard pressed to not say something. I am sure there will be a time you can talk to her, and at least say something about Alanon. Maybe that would help? I talk about alanon readings all the time with my friends and though none of them drink, I think it helps them to hear some of the stuff I am learning... Let go and let God....
I hear you and understand how difficult this situation is. Just remember that alcoholics use alcohol to cope!! They certainly cannot accept, that this coping tool, is the very thing that is hurting them.
She may not be able to hear you if yuu talk directly about her using but if you talk about yourself and your life and the difficulities that alcohol caused- you might give her some food for thought in her own life.
I agree for the most part with everyone's response.
I do have to say when I think about it, I am so close to one friend whom I grew up with, we have been the best of friends for over 45 years.
If she had a problem with drinking and I saw that it was spiraling out of control, I would have to say something to her or I would not be a good friend. It might not change anything, but if it intefered with our relationship, I would have to excuse myself from her life, until she stopped or didnt and I would have to tell her why .
Aloha Stariana...I did with my alcoholic friends and family the very same thing that I did with my addicted wives and relationships. I went for help first because the only evidence laying at my feet was the consequences of me trying to fix alcoholics. I didn't know how and didn't know that I didn't know how and in the meantime with my second alcoholic/addict wife when I let go...and let God...and went for help for myself just like I was told would often happen...she went for help and not only did she go for help but she did it in a way that I would have bet hard money that she couldn't and wouldn't and when she did she became my metaphor for humility and doing what ever was necessary for her to gain and maintain her sobriety. Soooo the first thing was for me to let go of trying to fix, the second thing was to find a power much greater than Jerry F to turn the alcoholic/addict situation over to and the next was to go find out what was it about me that I kept trying to find impossible situations to manage or fix.
Currently I am not married to an alcoholic that needs fixing so I am working on trying to fix my state and then hopefully the whole country. Some here know what I am talking about...I'm tuned into my HP for direction on how, what, where and why and quit!! if that becomes the direction. Good thing they don't all live in my home...but wait!! with a little bit more effort I could make that happen. It could LOL.
Keep coming back the program of Al-Anon works. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all so much for your posts. Like I stated, I love her more than a family member, and it kills me to think that she is struggling. I honestly hear in her voice that it's almost like she doesn't realize how damaging this is to her. She keeps looking for a "medical problem" to blame things on.... it must be migranes, it must be hormones, it must be a chemical imbalance.....and I just want to say "Do you realize you are drinking all day?" I attended Al-Anon for several years, due to my soon-to-be-ex-husbands addictions, and am very well aware that I can't fix anyone but myself. I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here..... the wise, rational thing to do is keep my mouth shut, listen to her when she reaches out, and share with her the possibility that maybe she needs "professional help" to cope with things.
The best-friend part of me cries at the thought that I'm not helping her.... opening her eyes to where she is, and if she doesn't admit it to herself, only bad can come from it.....
it brings tears to my eyes just typing this...... thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.
And I was hoping you reply Jerry! You are always so full of wisdom - thank you!
