The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am stuck. Hoping someone has something to say that will unstick me.
Since I came in, I feel like I have made so many changes, mostly to the way i treat myself. I spend time in the mornigns on Alanon stuff, pray, meditate..I really am trying hard. Maybe trying less would be better?
But I wake up sad. I spend all day trying not to be sad. My sister doesn;t ket my neice communicate with me. I dont understand. I have alwasy been the one to helpher, to bring her clothes, to listen to her, to humour her (!!), and now, she only talks to my sister in law...every day at 3...for an hour...and they drink. They dirnk on the phone..and they whine. My sister in law not really talking to me too, since I came back I told her that my sister was on the edge of liver failure...and we couldn;t help her be like that anymore bc she is goign to DIE. I think this threatened everyone' drinking reltionahsips. OK..wjhatever. I just think it's not fair. It's not FAIR that i loozse my family bc they;re angry withme for being the only sane one left. She is a jealous and spiteful woman, always has been, but I was alwasy her little sister, and was never on the receiving end of her wrath in that sense.
My kids are with my ex. I can;t stand the mornings...how lonely without them. I know I should take advantage of this time, for the first time in 20 years being on my own, but my kids are too young to be gone...Im not ready for this and neither are they, Last week they came twice, because they are starting to miss mer. I was surprised. I didn;t think they would miss me. How pathetic.
I'm sorry for whining...but I can't seem to get my emotions under control. I feel like I have done so much LETTING GO that I have nothing left in my hands...nothing left to work for. What's the point now?
I want to get to a place where i am not just GETTING THROUGH my days, but enjoying them. Where I wake up in the mornings not filled with a sense of dread, sadness...dreams that bring me back all the time.
thanks for taking the time to read. J anyways, thanks for "listening".
I can certainly relate to waking up to feeling like "Oh no not another day". Two things came to help me. One was trying to remember to instead steer my thoughts in a more positive direction by saying a very short little prayer as soon as I wake up. Saying something like "Thank you God for another day".
Then making a gratitude list in my mind of things to be thankful for.
And no matter how bad things have been in my life, there have always been many, many things to be grateful for.
Amazingly, after awhile, I actually started meaning it when I told God thank you for another day!
I started hearing the birds singing in the morning. The sounds of the world outside beginning a new day. And I wanted to be a part of it in any way my Higher Power had planned.
Aloha Rainbojo...Great reach out and it's been discussed alot on the board. It is a problem until we get a different perspective on it. For me I had learned that all of my loving was outside of myself. I loved others and spent my life for them always focused "out there" until I learned I was forgetting someone who I walked with every day...myself. Of couse at an early age self love was wrong, a sin and a person was called vain for it as I was at times until I came to understand the lesson of "Loving others as I love myself." I had to learn how to love myself as I loved others in order to know what that was like so I started caring about me as I did others and the loneliness and sadness vanished. It's good being loved by me...I care good.
Another thing I also learned was that often times the missing I went thru wasn't about love but about need. I wasn't loving them enough to let them be outside of my circle...I needed them to be there or else I couldn't feel complete with myself and my higher power as my only company. I took HP for granted until I increased HP's stature in my life. My 24/7 meditation is "God is" and with this awareness I cannot be alone because it is no longer my choice.
Yes it takes one day at a time working the miraculous program of Al-Anon to arrive beyond fear and sadness. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
For me today I only know how to live one day at a time, I spent so many yrs in the past or worrying about whats gonna happen next , when my husb sobered up yrs ago we were afraid he was going to die he was so sick and I was very angry that finally he chose sobriety and here we are . A friend called and I was telling her my fears and she ended our conversation with Don't miss the good days !!! I never forgot that . a good day for me is find something that makes me happy , could be reading alone or just closing my eyes for a quick nap ,something to laugh about and good food hehe. i started with our pamphlet Just for Today ,picked one of those and worked on it til it became comfortable then moved on to the next one tht little booklet kept me busy for months . It sounds to me like your in the How do u manage when there is no one left to manage mode we finally let go and let people live thier own lives as we mind our own business and then there is this void ,when i talked to my sponsor about much the same as u described here , saying so what do i do now ? she looked at me and said well dear Now u get a life = go figure I don't know if your attending al anon meetings f2f for yourself , if not perhaps this is the time to take care of yourself , u dont likemornings there might be a morning meeting or if nothing else a noon meeting , you willmeet new people get yourself up and out of the house . take care of you and you will be just fine . Louise
I am right there with you. Today is not such a good day. I am dwelling and having a hard time coming out of some stuff that happened this morning. I am sad today. Different reasons but still sad. You are not alone. I do know that I have some tools I can use to help me through this and being on this board and reading everyone's posts and replies is helping already... Take care of you
One little thing my wise friend told me years ago was,"When you don't feel normal, do something normal."
So I wake up wobbly or lonly or had not gotten but a couple hours sleep, and I sweep. I dust I mop. Do the dishes.
Just lose myself in the mundane. I started cuddling and playing with my dogs every morn. It has helped lots. Feeling life around me. It is a mellow fall so flowers are blooming again. I look at them and the green coming back`
I do my best to focus on where I am right there at that moment, do my best to eat, drink live as healthy as I can. this helps.
Sometimes it is doing my best to put one foot in front of the other. Naps help me. For me lots is physical.
Anyway glad you came here to let it out. That helps too, helps others to feel they can come here, feel safe and vent it too. hugs,debilyn
(((Rain))) hang in there girl :) the great thing about feelings as that they are subject to change. We all have good and not so good days. It is hard getting used to having time you never had after all your left with yourself lol...You have some great progress with your recovery under your belt and the great thing is ...is that as we change so do all our relationships with others....I know mine did, I can see insanity pretty clearly today and get out of harms way, before I would just jump in the mix....distance at this time can be good and what you may need....(((rain))) always good to hear you !! thanks again.
Jerry :) I always look forward to what you (all of you) have to say...how you put things makes sense to my fragile mind lol...
"God is"...funny...seems to be the theme of my days lately. I am working on being a little more disciplined with my thinking, and studying the Tao...so right now, everything is about the ALL and the NOTHING. This kind of study helps me stay focused on what is...and not what josee's incredibly active imagination has contrived.
One day my friend...I want to see th eworld like you do.
Thank you for taking the time. This really is an astoishing program..even when things aren;t all rosey
I sure love surrendering to my hp! I feel that when I do, I tap into the unlimited possibilities of the universe (the all) and without it, left to my own devices, that was the nothing. I had no choices, no possibilities and that was what I did know. Opening my mind and forgetting what I knew - so I could accept and hear something new and different. The trick is not clinging to any one thing, letting all the ideas go and flow. Once I set my mind on one absolute - the possibilities immediately fade. Who knew that by letting go of all I can, would give me so very much. It almost seems like god is a dichotomy of opposite ideas... if I want love, love me first, then others; if I want forgiveness, forgive me first, then others. If I want faith, patience, understanding- I have to practise it to have it. I have to take the first step. I have to want it. If I dont identify that, it surely wont ever be in my grasp. Let it begin with me. I deserve more then the scraps from others. I deserve to be my own focus and the star of my own life - if I dont, who will do it for me? I found that no one did and when they did try to "help" it usually made things worse. We do that for others too and so goes that sick dynamic. If I do it for me, then if things dont work out, I can simply change tactics, I dont ahve to waste time resenting me, I just learn a lesson and try again. I forgvie me and let it go and continue to ask for the willingness to. We arent supposed to be perfect and we are perfect, imperfectly. A work in progress!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
we finally let go and let people live thier own lives as we mind our own business and then there is this void ,when i talked to my sponsor about much the same as u described here , saying so what do i do now ? she looked at me and said well dear Now u get a life = go figure