The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been abusing alcohol for years. He doesn't get physical or mean, he's just "that" drunk guy at a social event. He's blacked out, passed out and always swears he's going to get help when he sobers up. He hasn't and just seems unhappy with his life.
This evening I had to leave the end of a bridal shower my mom & I were throwing and go pick up our kids (3 & 6) at one of his colleagues houses because he was so drunk. He was going to drive our kids home. I went over there and took the kids home to get them ready for bed and just left him. I feel so bad doing so. But I am worn out. I want to kick him out of the house. I'm not even sure if I want to be with him anymore.
What is the right thing to do???? I don't want him here while I watch him drag his feet looking for help. I am tired of "nagging" him to get support to go sober. I am just plain tired. And my 6 year old is taking notice.
Hello and welcome , u did the right thing picking up your children , the best advice I can give is find an Al-Anon meeting in your area u need support this is just too hard to do alone . If possible Al-Anon suggests that u try our program for 6 months before making any life altering decissions that way u can make an informed decission not one based on anger and emotions . of the course the decission to separate is yours ,you have to do what u think is best for you and your children ,there is nothing u can do about his drinking that is his problem leave it with him .. with the program it is possible to stay in a marriage and be happy regardless of what he is doing . call 1-888-4alanon and they will give u the location of the nearest meeting or a contact number . good luck Louise
Any Alanon meeting will have others who are willing to share their stories and the help they found, where and how they survived.
I found once I considered these meetings my sanity source and safety net more helpful instead of looking at it like another punishment that I must endure simply because an A is in our home, very helpful.
The group met with one soul purpose : To help friends and families of alcoholics. And HELP is exactly what I needed.
Welcome. You sound just like me the day I found this board. I was just SO tired of all the chaos, drama, and feeling sick to my stomach EVERY day. This program will help you tremendously. I have found that the better I get, the better he gets. Face to face meetings will help you tremendously also. Good luck to you.
You sure came to the right place! I can only add to the already great suggestions you have been given to find alanon meeting in your area and start attending. Get all the literature you can and learn all about this disease and how it affects everyone around the alcoholic. Knowledge is power. You will meet people who have or are still walking in your shoes and learn how they worked the program to get their lives back. Even if your thoughts are not to stay in this relationship you will still have to deal with him the rest of your life because of the children. If you work the program, the steps you will find new and healthy ways of dealing with this disease and you will pass your healthy behviors on to your children. They too are going to have to learn how to deal with dad and one healthy parent is better than none. Frankly by the time we hit the doors of alanon we are just as sick if not sicker than the alcoholic. We take on the same behaviorisms without even realizing it, and so will your children. So in the best welfare of you and your children please get to some meetings and start working your own recovery. I promise you you will not be disappointed. Of course we all want immediate change but recovery is a life long process and changes come as you work the steps and are willing to change your behavior. And no it was not wrong of you to take the kids and leave your husband there. He needs to face the consequenses of his behavior. Hoping you seek your own recovery Blessings
I can understand your anger. I all but stopped going to social events because of that issue. I felt resentful and raged a great deal.
I'm glad I made it to al anon and learned some other tools to deal with these situations. I hope that you can invest some time and energy into yourself. Whether you stay with him or not the tools can really help.
Thank you all for your words of knowledge and support. Since I knew this was coming I have been reading Al-non books and literature regarding detachment and steps to living a fulfilling life when living with an AH. When he came home this morning he was in tears. I actually was pretty emotionless having riden this roller coaster too many times. Again, my heartache is with my kids not having their parents together. I got a long text containing ownership and responsibilty and lots of apologies. He had already contacted a treatment center and starts on Monday. He said he'd rent a room and would find a place to stay. I am wondering if I should stay solid and make him go be by himself to see what it feels like losing your family. Or should I have him here to support him and so the kids won't be devasted by Daddy not living at home?? I'm stayin strong and I WILL BE attending a local meeting.
Have you read,"Getting Them Sober?" On the message board, Tom, aka Canadian Guy is offering a free book, free postage to send it to you. I tell ya going by what you shared this book will help you.
I agree with your desire to keep the disease away from the kids. I am sure if he were in recovery he would feel the same.
Daddy is sick. He needs help. To be given the opportunity to learn to take care of him, on his own is a huge miracle. He can really see how sick he is, how much he needs help from AA, rehab etc.
To think maybe if I don't let him back he will see how it feels to lose his family.. he is already losing you guys from using. He knows this. For him to be on his own, to be able to get on recovery from his terrible illness is a huge gift.
Gives you time to go to Al Anon, to get you and the kids healthy and strong. After awhile maybe you guys can go visit him. Keep in touch. There is nothing wrong with you both getting as healthy as you can, both on a recovery program learning the steps and principles, putting them into your lives. Then hopefully being able to live together again.
In the future there could be you guys going to his place for different amounts of time.
Trying out the relationship. There are open AA meetings, get togethers. Learning a new way of living with the disease.
Hi CleanLiving I am so very sorry that your family have been touched by this dreadful disease. Taking any action, to try to make an alcoholic change or to see the light is doomed to failure.
Alanon suggests that we examine our motives for any action and if they are positive for our own healthy living then take the action. If we are doing something to punish, or manipulate a person then we should re evaulate the action. Your husband is ill and is going to seek help.
Alanon suggest IN THE BEGINNING THAT we attend as many meeting as we can in 90 days. During that time we should try not to make any major changes unless there is violence in the home. After the time suggested, we usually have more clarity as tocthe right actions to take and have the serenity to do so.
