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I just want to share a recent event, and am hoping for some input. My son is 17. He is immature for his age, and hangs with kids a year younger Overall, they are good kids (Boy Scouts and decent students) from families I respect. One family has a trailer out at the beach, and allowed their son to invite 4 friends for the weekend. Well, apparently the kids thought it would be a great idea to pack some alcohol. The mom said she noticed my son had two bags when they were packing, and it clunked when he put it the back of the truck to go. While it caused alarm, she decided to wait until they got to their destination to deal with it. The boys had their own campsite within eyeshot of the trailer. Once there, the boys went on a walk (after making sure every zipper of the tent was completely closed - HA!) and she went through the bags. She saw that my son packed three bottle of wine (this is nasty homemade wine that is stored in a crawl space under the house) and 3 bottles of beer (that came from my house) and her son had a flask of gin and bottle of manhattan (came from theirs). All the other bags were empty. So, when the boys came back, she gave them a chance to come clean, and when they didn't she told them she knew, and only the guilty parties went and got their bags. Anyhow... she and her husband talked to them about all the potential consequences (including implications of underage drinking, being in charge of other peoples' children, getting kicked out of the park, etc), and told them she would be talking to every parent. And yes, she took it all away. Then, she decided wrecking their "plans" was enough, and to let all the boys stay as to not wreck the whole weekend.
So, my son decided it was in his best interest to call me and his dad and confess. Now, know this is a kid who can sell ice to an eskimo. He had this "no harm no foul" attitude stating it was a stupid idea, it got taken away, they only drank about a half a beer, no big deal, blah, blah, blah.... Never does remorse, or just an admission or apology come from this child's mouth, as there is always an explanation, excuse, etc. Must say there was some progress this time as he didn't blame me or his dad
I was able to talk to my exAH about it, and we decided it best to come at the angle of letting him know we are disappointed and why (our feelings he can't dispute) for using the word "trust" can make him defensive, and discuss what could have happened. Then rather than being punitive, our actions will show that in reducing the freedoms he has been given. I am however, going to have him dump every bottle of that wine (about 8 cases, and each has a plastic seal). As for the beer, only recently have I kept some in the house, and that will change.
I know this is "normal" kid behavior, but given the family trait of addiction and the addictive personality I see in my son, I cringe. I hope I am handling this right. I do not want to be so reactive and punitive that all lines of communication are broken, nor do I want to be so passive that it is blown off as no big deal. Honestly, I want to shake him and control him forever. Sigh... and that is why I am here. Any comments or insight is welcome.
Thank you for being here!
Blessings, Lou
I am so thankful for all of you here.
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
One of the things I did Lou was sat my grandkids down (after my kids) and talked to them about alcoholism in my family for generations and how others in the family become predisposed to the disease. I related that it wasn't a moral issue but one of disease and healthy life style. I told them I had my first drink at nine and what happened in the years that followed. It's soooo very good that your son has caring and loving parents and recovery under his roof. (((((hugs)))))
Just in my own experience.... My son started the same sort of behavior at around your sons age We too chalked it up to "normal" kid behavior until one night he was brought home by the police, was caught smoking pot with a friend at night on school grounds. Instead of charging him the cop gave him a break, gave him the whole talk about the detremint of substance abuse. My son also the kid who could sell ice to eskimos. We thought he had learned his lesson but no. His substance abuse escalated but he just got better at hiding it. We took him to couseling, we took him to drug classes, we had him put in juveille detention for a few days. We honestly thought we were doing all the right things. My personal belief is genetics plays a huge part in addiction. My husband and I both come from addictive families. We never had alcohol in our home unless it was a holiday then would have a bottle of wine. Kid stole that too. Fast forward my son is now a 21 yr old addict who is sitting in a jail rehab unit. I cannot tell you how to handle your child. Just because my child went down the addiction road doesn't mean yours will. Had I known what was in store for my son I would have been dragging his butt to AA meetings while he was still a minor. Again none of this means your son will go down the same road. Now that you are aware now though the only thing I would strongly suggest is that you monitor your son a little closer and believe what you see and not what your son is telling you. I did that way to long. I wish you the best Blessings
Teenagers will be teenagers and not one thing you can do about it trust me I know. As for them taking the alcohol lucky the other mom found it before anything happened.
I have had more than my share of experiences with teenagers and drinking. I have an 18 yr old son who thinks he is 30 I swear.
Talking may seem to go on deaf ears but I assure you he is listening. It's that cocky age and they know it all.
My hopes and prayers are with you as my husband was also an alcoholic. I wish I could give you a great answer but there just aren't any. Just pray a lesson was learned.
I really like xeno's suggestion. I think so many kids have a very glamorized outlook on drinking. I think attending a few AA meetings and seeing first hand what can happen to "kids just being kids" can turn into can be such an eye opener.
I think you're doing great. Not being a parent I can't tell you how I would handle it. I know when it comes to my niece, I have to let her make her own choices. She's in college and the reality is they do drink. It scares me, but in her case I have to detach. She knows if she gets into trouble she can always call me.
Trust your instinct on this. I too would want to control him. You are a strong woman and have dealt with much more than this. You're doing great. Let us know how he's doing. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
