The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So today I followed through on what I had threatened and thought about for the past few months now. I left. The apartment looked so sad with my stuff gone. My xbf-sober has 9 years but most of it was just as a dry drunk. The past few months he had been making meetings on a regular basis and recently got a sponsor and I was so proud of him. But the attitude towards me just got downright nasty. I have trust issues with him anyway, and my inability to move forward in some scenarios was hurting us as much as anything else. I've realized through doing my own steps that I have alot of unresolved anger, abandonment and rage issues that I have to face and resolve. He kept telling me to remember the serenity prayer. So I did and somehow found the courage to change the things I could. Leave.
He cried. I cried. When we are good, it is so good.. Happy, teamwork, laughter. But when we're bad we are DARK and lately the bad has outweighed any good. His recovery is suffering. My health is suffering. It's toxic. and nothing changes if nothing changes. It's like our love is Bi-Polar.
Am I weak for still loving him? Wanting him? Wanting this to eventually work out? I left with no promises of anything. My heart is so broken right now, I keep reminding myself of all the fights lately. The yelling and tension and meanness. Is it normal for me to question this? Is it really over? Does it get any easier? I just feel like an utter failure.
I'm so sad.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
The sadness, questioning, pain, and loneliness were why I was fearful to leave for so long. I didn't know if I could make it through those emotions. I was staying out of fear of what I'd have to go through, not out of hope for the future. I did desperately hope that things would get better between us, but it wasn't a realistic hope, and I knew it.
The longer it's been, the more I see that those feelings were keeping me from my recovery and serenity. It is so much calmer without the constant anxiety, resentment, and turmoil. I have hopes that now that I'm through the other side and in recovery, some day I can have a relationship without all the pain and chaos. If he magically was transformed into a healthy person in recovery, would I get back together with him? In a flash. What are the chances of him being magically transformed? Effectively zero. Realistically, my life is much better now that I've moved forward. And all the times I tried to leave and backed down at the last minute -- when I finally did it, I thought to myself, "If I hadn't backed down the last time, I would be well through this by now!"
Strength to you and your recovery. Please keep on taking care of yourself.
Keep working the program, caring for and loving yourself. It can be very confusing....and you never know how things will work out. Hang in there, things will get clearer, the healthier you get.
Well done for having the courage to leave, lizzakiss. It's something I have not yet managed to do.
Of course you still love him - it's not an emotion which can be turned off like a tap. But you have demonstrated you have the courage to change - fantastic you.
I asked my long term partner to leave our September 13th. What you are feeling is completely normal. In the last week I have learned to do what is in front of me and give him to God. Sometimes I need to turn him over to God several times per day. We are powerless over their addiction just as much as they are. When an addict refuses to enlarge upon their spiritual growth they are stuck in selfishness. There is nothing quite like the selfishness of an addict (using/ or abstinent). When they allow that selfishness to take control it is impossible to have a healthy relationship.
I have had so many tears in this last week but also I have had periods of freedom. Periods of feeling blessed because I don't have to micro manage all the aspects of life he refuses to look at. Sometimes God puts holes in our heart to make room for what is meant to be there. Loss can be a great opportunity to open the door to our higher self and higher possibilities. Negative things in our lives block the positive enegy in our lives that allow miracles to form.
Will I end up back with him again? Only God knows that. What I do know right now is that, I am not one of the people contributing to his sickness...which is the highest form of love we can give an addict.
My heart gos out to you. I know the pain you must be feeling. I still have a hard time looking at the empty spaces in my home, where he used to be. Right now I am staying with a friend for support. When I return home next week. I plan to fill my home with my memories, and fill those space with things that sustain me. Am I prepared for this? NO but God is. God is bigger than all my problems.
Glad you are doing the right thing for YOU! Is it wrong for you to still love him? My opinion is everyone is deserving of love and being loved. And remember all things are subject to change. Blessings
Thank you so much for your post Lizzakiss! Your story is my story, apparently as well as others', too... along with a complete set of emotions all over the map.
My exha and I were married about 20 years. I felt forced to divorce at the point when I thought my daughter and I would become homeless from his debt and troubles. It is now 4 years post-divorce and he remarried this past Spring. I know it sounds crazy, but I still love him, too. If it weren't for the addiction, we would be living our golden years happily, as planned. I am grateful for what I have, despite that the addiction has robbed each of us of so much goodness in life.
His dad died this past week and I attended the viewing and funeral. Since I managed the viewing ok, I hadn't expected to be a total basket case at the funeral. My ex gave a bitter eulogy regarding that love is only for his mom and dad and for fairy tales. He looked at his new wife and then me as he was speaking. I am glad I am not his current wife, but it hurt anyway. The new wife put a moratorium on his communicating with me, and, she even followed me to the bathroom, not trusting.
I am grieving that his disease continues to progress and that things are the way they are.
Your post and the responses have helped me tremendously today.
Your post was nicely worded. I think you should try to remember the bad times. We Alanoners seem to forget those times to easily. They were just as real as the good times. Being honest with ourselves is important.
Keep going to f2f meetings; talk to your sponsor; read the literature and talk to your HP.
I relate very much to feeling like a failure and also the extreme ups and downs of my a relationships.
The very dark times. Yes.
And all the very bright times.
Once, I had a drug-addict bf who when he was able to love me, he treated me like royalty and when he wasn't, he treated me like I was lower than scum, his angry vibes would radiate thru the air.
Reminding myself of all the torment, yelling and fighting and abuse does help me keep him away and others like him away.
No, I don't believe it's weak to still love someone.
I still love Tom.
But like a sister, now.
And I never really forget the romantic stuff, either, even though it's just a memory now...
((( Beth ))) - " ... the courage to change the things I can ..."
You have had courage. It's not at all easy sometimes to take care of yourself - but you're doing it. Good for you.
My first marriage, I stayed for 5 years past the point that I wanted to leave. I stayed because I felt so guilty at the thought of leaving - who would hire the lawyers when my exAH got a DUI, who would have the steady job to pay the rent, who would make sure bills got paid on time, and on and on? For me, I spent so long just paralyzed with guilt and fear that I was unable to take any action at all to care for myself. All the while, I did not understand that if nothing changes, nothing changes.
You're doing a great job - just hang in there. One day at a time.
{{{lizzakiss}}} You've made a difficult decision. I came to that same decision nearly 2 yrs ago. Like Mattie, I too would reunite with my exaH in a heartbeat if he magically transformed into someone honest, sober, recovered, open, emotionally available, responsible. I don't foresee me ever NOT loving him. Loving him was never the issue. Living with him was.
Thank you everyone for the words of love and encouragement. It helps to know that I'm not alone, and that what I'm feeling is normal. I've had break-ups before but this one is just crushing. Most likely b/c he brought out the co-dependent in me full force--"Savior Mode"!!! and I'm viewing this as a failure. I know it's not. None of us can save another.
I'm still sad, but I'll get stronger. ODAT
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Oh you are so not alone. It hurts. I know. Bipolar . . . that is a perfect description.
It is so frustrating to have a life alone and go up and up and up and be happy - and look over at the possibilities with this person and know that every time you step in the ring it takes you down and down and down. You think . . . "I will never know love like this again."
And this little voice says "That's probably a good thing."
It stinks and I have come to the conclusion it is no one's fault. It just isn't meant to be - it is oil and water - or better yet whatever two compounds can make explosives!
Time makes it better. Recovery makes it better. Success and being healthy and taking care of you makes it better.
One day at a time. We are here for you.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
