First time talking about my AH - Al-Anon Family Group

Meuse · Newbie

First time talking about my AH

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

This site will help you find a meeting in your area for Al anon. In your phone book you can find AA's number.

AA has "open" meetings where you both can go. You don't have to say anything if you are not comfortable.

I knew my husband was an A too. But had no idea what that meant. He did of course, yours may too.

He may know about AA. I put this site on top more for you. It is honestly not our problem to deal with. What we do is take care of us. We learn about the disease of addiction, and how we can best live with it.

Most A's do want to stop. Even after they have been so sick they drove and caused horrible accidents they want to quit but cannot.

This disease is not curable, we can do nothing. It is totally up to them, including them getting help.

I have learned through al anon not to do anything for them. Anything we take away from them doing for themselves is helping the disease not them. Makes them sicker.

The disease has an uncanny way of taking us down with the A themselves. Thus how much your life has changed. I am sure if you read the many, many posts here you will see you are not alone.

I am glad you are here, it can only help you.

welcome, keep coming back. love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Meuse and welcome to the board...stick around and help us recovery. By the
way there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. The term is an oxymoron (LOL)
I suggest you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the
hotline number for Al-Anon and call for the meeting places and times so that you
can come sit and listen and learn how many spouses, family members, friends
and associates got their sanity and lives back after being terribly affected by the
disease of alcoholism. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

DreamXL · Senior Member

Hi and thank you for your post..sure are glad your here :) I came crawling into these rooms after a turbulant relationship with an alcholic. I would suggust you read all you can about this disease as it surely affects us. We have some great on line meetings twice a day and get to some face to face meetings as well, they will so help you :) the isolation, secrets and the list goes on are affects of what living with alcholism can do to us, you are not alone by any means. The good news is you can find ways of coping and dealing with this that will help you...answers are waiting for you in alanon ....Please keep coming back and thank you for sharing your story with us :)

stopandchat · Senior Member

Hi Meuse,

I'm glad you found this board. Please also try to find some face to face Alanon meetings in your area. I'm a totally different person because of this program - and I've lived (and is still involved with) an active alcoholic.

I was going to say the same thing as JerryF - there no such thing as a "functional" alcoholic. There is nothing "functioning" about alcoholics. And, if they are able to maintain some sembalance of a life for a while, it's only a matter of time before that changes. Alcoholism is a progressive disease - it only gets worse without help.

As you have found out, it also tremendously affects those who have a relationship with the alcoholic. I have also isolated from family and certain friends..to a degree. As codependents we think we need to cover for the alcoholic, and we are embarrassed by what's going on so we keep it a secret.

Working this program can help you find peace, even if you choose to stay with the alcoholic. Many of us also choose to leave. The decision is yours - everyone's situation is different.

I wish you strength and courage during this difficult time.

Tara

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome to MIP

You have definitly come to the right place. There isn't anyone here who doesn't or hasn't loved an alcoholic/addict. And after we made ourselves crazy trying to control or cure our loved one we hit our own bottom and reached out for our own recovery.
First lesson.... You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can't cure it. Write that down and keep it in your back pocket to always remind you that the only person you can control is youself.
Jerry was spot on when he said there are no "functional" alcoholics. People use this term for alcholics that still go to work etc. Know this... this is a progressive disease and only gets worse unless the person decides they are ready for recovery.
In the mean time you can work on your own recovery. Alanon will teach you all about this disease, how it affects everyone the alcoholic comes in contact with and teach you better and healthier coping skills not only in dealing with your husband but will teach you behaviors that will serve you in ALL aspects of your life. So I urge you to find a meeting in your area or join us here online for our meetings, work the program and watch yourself grow no matter what your husband is doing.
You stated your husband knows he has a problem and wants to stop drinking but always finds a reason to drink. This is completly normal behavior for the alcoholic,,, there is always a reason to drink...it's tuesday I need a drink....it's raining, need to drink frankly any excuse will do. When in reality alcoholics drink thats what they do no reason needed but they make up the reasons to justify their behavior.
Please get as much information as you can about this disease and start attending meetings so you are better equipped to handle the situation.
As far as keeping it a secret.....Number 1. I would bet in fact I know that people who know you are well aware your husband has a drinking problem. we are the ones that stay in denial and are so sure we are putting up a good enough front that we think we are hiding it. My son is an addict and I too never talked about it, covered it up. When I finally came clean every person I talked to even neighbors we were not even close to told me the same thing... "we know your son has a drug problem" Hmmm so much for the secret. So when you are ready to talk to people about it it is doubful they will be suprised. It is likely they are waiting for you to make the first move as they don't want to offend you.
Number 2. We are only as sick as our secrets. If your husband did have a different disease such as cancer or something would you keep it a secret? No you would be reaching out for support. Now I am not going to lie to you.... once you start telling people in their effort to help you are going to get tons of "advice". If these people have no expereince with this disease thier advice isn't too helpful. Thats where Alanon comes in

You will find people in your exact situation who know exactly how you feel. You will learn how they have coped. And you can take what you like and leave the rest. No one is going to give you advice and tell you what to do, they will respect whatever decisions you make without judgement.
I wish you all the best as you start your recovery
Blessings

Meuse · Newbie

Wow !! I am amazed at the number of responses so quickly. I don't feel quite so alone now. I know that I need face to face time but I am not ready for that yet. It has taken several months to get myself to the point that I could actually log in and post here.

I do have some things in my favor for my "recovery". I know that I didn't cause it and only he can make the decision to fix it. In the past two years I have read numerous books about alcoholism and how it effects the body and mind. I have searched the internet for rehab programs hoping with each day he will decide to get help.

A number of years ago he went through inpatient treatment twice. Both times the inpatient program was a week or less, which struck me as odd. He went to AA meetings and said they weren't for him because he couldn't relate to the people there. These events took place years before I met him and I only have his version of the events. I believe that even though he says he is an alcoholic, he doesn't truly believe it. He seems to think that as long as he holds a demading, high profile job, everyting's OK. I'm ready to reclaim myself.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are here. This is a great place to be. Al anon can help you with many tools to manage your emotions and get focused on what you want to do next.

The core of alcoholism is not being able to quit despite the circumstances.

I am glad you can share what the drinking does to you. Sharing the effects of alcoholism isn't always a motivator for a alcoholic. The fact he knows he is one is a really big deal.

For me it wasn't so much about whoever I was with being an alcoholic it was eventually all about my issues which were there long before I met them.

Look forward to getting to know you.

Maresie.

Carol_Lynn · Veteran Member

Hi, I'm Carol, in alanon a year now.

Welcome to the board and thank you for sharing your story.

Yes, life, I have found, changes when involved with an alcoholic.

And a functional alcoholic is still an alcoholic.

And it is definitely not like dealing with someone with cancer.

Alcoholism is a bewildering, seemingly hurtful disease. It is a disease, but not like cancer.

At least in my experience.

In alanon, I have learned to recognize when a situation is bad for me before I get into it. I also recognize why we do get into these relationships. For me, it just feels natural and even normal.

I wish you much support here and guidance.

Blessings,

Carol

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.