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just when I've got your support on his cravings, ordered Getting Them Sober book and feeling more confident, he said something that made me utterly uncomfortable.
He now wants to try to smoke pot in order to get rid of his cravings.
I reacted, couldn't help it. I told him that I don't want him telling me about it then I couldn't look at him because I was angry/disappointed/upset.
However, he kept on talking, saying that it's not something he will be doing all the time, just to try to see if it gets rid of his cravings.
He's never been a regular drug user. I mean, he hasn't done anything for the last year or so. Even before that, it was like once or twice a year.
After a while, I managed to appear to be calm, told him that I cannot understand his cravings as much as he cannot understand why I don't want to drink. He understood it but kept on saying that "it's so hard if you were me." so I listened quietly. I didn't like it at all because I felt that he tried to make me feel guilty for not understanding how hard it is for him.
I don't even know why I am upset. I can't let go. I am so dreading to see him when he gets back from his meeting.
Any ESH would be hugely appreciated. I feel like I am falling apart..
I've been there. My AH has said to me that smoking pot will help his cravings and help him to stop drinking, he has drank beer instead of liquor, he has only drank a pint a day instead of a fifth, he has drank a half pint a day instead of a pint. Clearly, if you've seen any of my posts, none of it has worked.
For my AH, all of those "cures" only made him drink more.
Don't give in to the guilt. Yes, it is hard. But, it's also hard for you too. I'm wondering if someone at some point got all As together and told them life is easy - that's how a lot of them are, always wanting and expecting an easier, softer way.
thanks very much for your reply & sharing your storty. I haven't had a chance to read your past posts yet but I know exactly what you mean about A's cures. My AH has done similar things, tried to cut down, put some lemonade in his beer.. Nothing worked!
I just had a bath to relax and thought why I am angry/upset: I can't understand why he needs something else to back on to.
He smokes more cigarettes since he stopped drinking which I thought well, I've heard a lot about that in AA meetings I attended andI understand why. But smoking pot? He even called me "conservative". because I didn't want to hear about it. Ha!
I am worried he will relay on it too much because he's got an adictive personality. And I don't want having to deal with it as well as alcoholism.
Other thing, he mentioned that he sometimes wonders whether he is an alcohlic or not. It's so ... tiring!
And I can only speak from my experience with my husband but he certainly wants something easier, wants to be looked after (this is something I have to work on soon as I am doing everything around the house!).
Thanks again for your support. I can't wait to go to F2F meetings next week!
I could be wildy triggered by certain remarks from an alcoholic. I also felt that I alone could control their sobriety or their using (I wasn't around that many with sobriety).
I know many an A who drops stuff to see my over reaction. To make a point of not being reactive is so so hard. I have to act "as if". One alcoholic who I work with has had health problems he is off often now. This week in reaction to this he started riding his bike, not one day, but all week. That is their world, all or nothing.
Certain defences take a long time to come into the fore. Getting them Sober has some very very sage advice on what to do in early sobriety. Expectations are everything in dealing with them. Examine yours, what are they, are they realistic? I always found mine realistic but they were idealized ones too.
Aloha Junko...The anger comes from feelings of loss of control over the situation and the pressure of persistence from the disease. It keeps coming and wants more from all of the players. I use to also hate the feelings of loss of control and the anger that came with it until my early sponsor told me that if I didn't like what I was getting then to practice the opposite of anger which became acceptance. When I learned to accept the fact of the situation (she was drinking and using and I didn't cause it, couldn't control it or cure it and that she was compulsed to carry on) then I stopped fighting it. She wasn't hurting me only hurting herself. I got use to not seeing "us" in her or in me alone so I came into a frame of balance and the anger started to fade. I had read in the 3rd Edition of the Big Book of AA on page 439 (I think) that Dr. Paul said that he had found "That acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" (paraphrased), and I came to understand the role acceptance plays in both programs as the door to peace of mind and serenity. If you have a Big Book in the house turn to the doctors story and look up his finding. It will help at least it did tons for me.
You cannot control the losses against your value system either which says, "this shouldn't be happening in real life to me or to others." Alcoholism brushes that one off it's shoulder like a flake of dandruff. Cunning, powerful and baffling it doesn't care. Yes she used also and yes it made no difference. This is a progressive disease.
I ask my HP to extend a miracle your way for all involved. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 17th of September 2010 06:20:45 PM
It is not unheard of that addicts will substitute one addiction for another or try to "self medicate" in order for those cravings to stop. Their body has been use to a certain level of "craziness" (for lack of a better word) that it is searching for something else.
Like alcohol, we are powerless over their choices. Whenever I get to that point where I just don't understand things, I have to go back to step 1. I am powerless over......... For me it's living life on life's terms, not anyone elses. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do sober or not. There is nothing we can do about it. We can only choose how to react to the present situation. Stick with your program. You are doing just fine. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Very common to replace one addiction with another if the person is not in recovery. The only thing I can tell you is to keep working on you. he is going to do what he wants and nothing you do or say will stop it. So in working your recovery you are taking care of the most important person and that is You. Blessings
