The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately my head's been pulling me back to my exAH a lot. Digging up old wounds, gnawing on them and moaning and groaning about them, then telling me "Well, he was an a**hole anyway. He's so screwed up. He's this. He's that. He should. He never. He! He! HE!!"
I finally, THANKFULLY, start to see how my brain is giving free rent to my exAH. Occupying a spot in my head that I honestly don't need to have filled... or at least a spot that shouldn't belong to anyone but me and my HP.
When I catch myself thinking about him and judging him and blaming him and cursing him, I'll finally stop and just sit there and say to myself... "Hello????? What about ME???? Don't I deserve some of your thoughts and time???"
So... that's where I've been lately. I understand this is still part of the remnants of my grieving process. I was talking with my sponsor an another friend after a meeting the other night about this, and they both nodded their heads, having been through divorces themselves, and let me know they go through it, too.
I was sitting there telling them it's really amazing the turns my mind can take. I can go some days were I'm feeling really joyous, happy and free and easily forgive my exAH and wish him the best and want to give him a hug and move on with my day. And then there will be days where I'm feeling really moody and lonely and ticked off and I just think to myself "I just want to beat the daylights out of the f'n b*stard! How DARE he do all those things!!!"
Alas, the Jekyll and Hyde phenomena seems to be par for the course.
But yeah... honestly, I'd rather try to keep the focus on me and now allow my exAH any space in my head if all it's going to accomplish is getting me upset and worked up.
Thank goodness for Al-Anon. Before the program, I'd be playing right along with all those thoughts and not know that I have choices. The ability to choose to think and care about what's going on with me, for instance.
I really liked your post. My now sober AH was taking up wayyyyyyyyy too much of my thoughts and worries. I still have to stop myself from going back to those worries and thought patterns. Your post has helped me to remember to catch myself when I am doing that and focus on me and improving my attitude and life.
I am working on this. But I feel so much freer when I say to myself "don't call him right now, you are at work you need to work and concentrate on something else". I am still in a relationship with my abf so its a little different, but still that irrational thought pattern happens to me too. I have found myself to be not angry at him (not yet), but just sad if he slips. Great share and work!
For me dear one, again, when I really BELIEVED it was the disease, that was that. If the bolony comes thru my head, immediately this thing happens. It is moot, it is nothingness as it was and is a disease, not my sweet man who did all that.
I knew my friend, lover husband. The disease killed him. There is no rotting area inside me not a speck. That can cause so many health problems for one major thing.
No use being mad at a disease, hating a disease, waste of time, it never cared about me.
Hope this experience helps ya. I don't even miss the good stuff anymore. My life now, each day good or bad is my own. I make it what it is. I mean if I am sick and feeling well like I am now, I accept it, cry some, let some cloudy cotton go over it. Do what I have to, do what I can and rest.
I am reading Jeremiah right now. That helps And am reading The Dome I think it is by Stephen King.
hugs hon, wash those thoughts right outa your hair!! love,debilyn
My now sober AH was taking up wayyyyyyyyy too much of my thoughts and worries. I still have to stop myself from going back to those worries and thought patterns. Your post has helped me to remember to catch myself when I am doing that and focus on me and improving my attitude and life.