After four days of lovingly detaching, my [dry drunk] husband asked me nervously last night asked me where I saw "us". I said I could only speak for myself, and that I was doing what I could to be well, and working on how I respond to things between us.  I could tell he was really uncomfortable and had been growing increasingly squirmy for the past few days, trying to read me. As I spoke about some things, he had a strange look on his face, like "wha?" He seemed bewildered. One of the first things he asked, and his chin was actually quivering so he is really emotionally attached to this thing he has been building up in his mind and to counselors and sponsor, is "yeah, but what about you acknowledging my needs in the relationship?"

I calmly said I did. But he has puffed it up, and fabricated an entire story around it, different from the reality of the past five years; he first did this as he was getting sober a year ago. There is no such thing as giving him anything good enough on this score; he is a bottomless well. Is this typical? It would not matter (and has not) how many issues I acquiesced to, tried to have a rational discussion about... or even if I were to admit to something that isn't true, just to get him to let go of it. That still would not do it for him. In fact, I tried this a few weeks ago. "Okay," I said, after he was ranting on about something. "Let's do this. What do you need? Just tell me. What is it? You need x-y-z?" (I won't go into details on xyz but it was an issue related to one of our children). He started laughing, and I said, "What? You think it can't be that easy? It can be as simple or as complicated as we decide. Let's keep it simple. You tell me what you need in that situation." So he said okay but was still laughing like he was put on the spot, like I was letting all the hot air out of the nice big balloon. Since then, he has continued to blame me for that situation even after we came to an agreement that supposedly suited him and met his needs. I can't win, can I. Trying to act like a reasonable adult with a dry drunk feels like trying to have a rational conversation with the Mad Hatter. (Only in the latter, at least you get a cup of tea out of it.) Nothing satisfies him, nothing appeases. Is this because of his inner turmoil?

But this was before I realized my part in everything. The thing is, he laughed because it caught him off-guard at the time. And it was also the last thing he wanted to do, to let go of the thing he has been gnawing on for the past year. What would happProxy-Connection: keep-alive
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if it wasn't an issue anymore? What would he possibly harp about and pity himself for with his sponsor and his counselor and countless acquaintances, making it "THE" problem in our relationship? So even though we came to an agreement about something that night a few weeks ago, he has continued to hold onto it and maintain it as an issue, when it is not. It has just built up like a snowball downhill, since it is all he wants to talk about with sponsor and counselor, to get affirmation for how unjust things have been for him.

At one point he got angry last night, saying that's fine if I want to go to Ala-non or see a counselor or whatever I want to do for me, but we need to be in marriage counseling again as soon as possible. I just calmly said that joint counseling would have the best outcome when the time is actually right for it. He bellowed, "What is that supposed to mean?" And I said, "I'll know it when I see it." Right now he wants to lasso me back into the counselor's office so that he can get what he has been told (and what he has convinced himself) he is entitled to and actually lacks in our relationship, which is also false. But he had to come up with some way to deflect attention and blame away from himself for acting despicably last year, drinking and raging and ruining family vacations. He has been waiting and waiting and waiting to get me in that seat in the counselor's office just so he can get what he feels I owe him. Which is sad, since I love him, and do partner with him on all the family-related decisions he claims now to have had no voice and no choice about over the past five years. Again, this is a really large house of cards he has constructed very expertly over the past year, as a way to diffuse the attention away from his own actions and choices of continual relapsing and affecting the family. It serves him to keep it intact, anything that threatens to knock it over will leave him facing himself. He wants to be treated like a grown-up but get to act like a child, and making this cliche statement is a disservice to numerous good-natured children in my acquaintance.

Also: Does anyone else experience this? He seems to get extra resentful when I seem to be enjoying myself, when I find my passion, when I feel very enthusiastic about something and share it with him joyfully, anticipating his support or happiness for me.

Anything I lay claim to as my "thing", something I am really enjoying, or really believe in, he either seems to want credit for, wants to meddle in, or acts wounded because I was not asking what he thought all along. When I am doing something I enjoy or really believe in, even if it isn't just for myself but as part of my role in our family, it makes him miserable. In the past six months, I would be lucky to get 2 hours away from the kids to do something, while he stayed with them. On one occasion in February when I did, I spent the time sewing birthday dresses for two of my daughters, which I do annually because I love dress design and sewing, and it is my personal gift to them, to pass down someday if they have daughters. They love helping me with it and it is a great learning opportunity for them, a creative outlet for me. But it didn't take long for him to get miserable about how I got "all that time" (2 hrs) and he started spouting off about the f-ing dresses. I don't get it.

This particularly comes down to things with our children, where he lets me do all the legwork, looking into things, etc; I try to share the information I've found with him, wanting to discuss together as partners, ask for his thoughts, feedback, ideas. He acts half-interested while checking his cell phone for text messages or signing onto Twitter or flipping through a magazine, says "that sounds good" or "whatever you think", then later accuses me of not making him full partner on things. It's like the story of the Little Red Hen. He wants the reward at the end of the story but he doesn't want to do anything involved in getting there, resents me for being happy to dive in and do the research or reflection, resents me then for figuring things out on my own when he demonstrates no interest in wanting involvement. After the fact, he complains about how he was not allowed a voice or choice in something. Is this anyone else's experience, or is this reflective of something else in our relationship that has nothing to do with addiction and recovery?

But he has changed stories like this around completely to look at though he has had no voice and no choice in our relationship and puffed it up to such extremes that the past month, for example, has been toxic with anger. I told him what my experience of the past month had been and of course he did not see it, but said he would take a hard look at that, making sure to make a point of saying, "See, **I** can say that. I can say that I will look at it!!" Another dig. I walked into another room.

I told him I decided I was going to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and give myself what I needed so that regardless of how he treats me or how he acts in the family, I could be well. I told him I loved him, and I was doing what I was doing, believing it would not only be good for me, but good for us. I told him I accepted responsibility for my share of dysfunction, in my own pattern of response to him in our relationship, and I was working on that. I said that people had helped me to see that I did not have to respond as I had anymore. He seethed. "You mean you're saying that's all you think you did wrong???" I chose not to respond, just walked away, tending the kids. It was one of those rare moments when he was actually being honest and transparent -- about his motives. Though underneath the self-indulgent desire to have me in a counselor's office being told that in fact, I was the one "in the wrong" and he was the right and reasonable one, I know that he has this over-sensitive need to feel as though he had a part or say in things regarding the children. The irony is that he was and has, and his level of involvement has been in accord with his own choice to do so. But where would it end, if it was open season for him making demands about everything? If I started selling pottery and having a lot of success, would he dive into that, trying to claim his stake or resenting me, because he cannot bear the thought that someone else is content or doing something meaningful to them or whatever? If something he resents my doing with/for the children was clearly bringing great benefits to the kids, would he just stomp himself into the ground like Rumplestiltskin, unable to deal with it because it wasn't his idea or he gets no credit or his family members seem to be actually living good lives whether he chooses to do so or not?

The rest of the evening he was very quiet and polite and "here, let me do that" if I was holding a baby with one hand and trying to put toothpaste on brushes with the other, etc. It was weird. Then, even weirder, he decided to run many miles on the treadmill at 11 pm.

And that's another thing I want others' thoughts on. Anyone with an addict/alcoholic who just trades one addiction for another? Even an addiction that isn't "self-destructive", per se?

He has never been a super-athletically inclined person (weekend warrior, very occasional jogging or working in the yard for exercise), but concurrent with the past month of emotional chaos and tirades and belittling, he is running an extraordinary amount of kilometers and buying himself hundreds of dollars of stuff for it; down to special underpants, socks, sweatbands, $40 microchips for his $100 shoes, etc. All he can think about, while capsizing our relationship and complaining about it to his counselor and sponsor, is which races he is going to run this fall, his training, his next run. I know this is of course at least not totally toxic like drugs or alcohol, but it still seems like the way he is using it is in a compulsive way, similar to the addictive pattern. He doesn't seem able, in personal or professional life, to just do something for the quiet passion and fulfillment and to do it **in moderation**. It is extremes, it is all or nothing, and ideally, it has to bring him some amount of attention or praise of some sort. (Is this the addictive personality?) Which is why it feels like he begrudges even being home with us after work. Where's the glory? Where are the ego strokes? Just potties to dump and children to feed. No wonder he finds no joy here when he is not well.

Found this about addictive personalities and it really fits the excessive running + erratic behavior and destructive emotions at home:

"Behind every addictive behavior lies a brain process that greatly contributes to the attachment a person forms with the behavior. Reward centers within the brain secrete certain "feel good" chemicals that contribute to how a person experiences a behavior. Whether it's a physical substance like alcohol, or an activity like running or watching television, the same chemical processes come into play in an addiction. This physical-behavioral connection develops over time, meaning the need for a substance or activity will increase in order to elicit the same physical effects on the brain and body. As a result of the brain processes involved, addictive personalities will exhibit similar behaviors regardless of their substance, or activity of choice. Changes in emotion or mood are typically the result of indulging in the behavior. In the absence of the substance or activity, a person may suffer withdrawal symptoms such as a change in mood, motivation or her ability to focus and concentrate. A person may crave, or look forward to indulging in the activity, meaning the activity has become a significant motivation in her life. Someone with an addictive personality will typically use the addiction as a coping mechanism to deal with stress or internal conflict. If the stressor or conflict remains, the need to engage in the activity may increase. As a result, other areas of a person's life may suffer, or be neglected, as the addiction grows. It's not uncommon for a person to deny the effects of the addiction when confronted. The physical high, or emotional relief experienced when engaging in the activity can make any resulting complications seem insignificant in comparison."

I am unsure whether something will happen (aside from my changing) that will cause him to realize that he has been carrying that around for a year and basically losing out and missing out on a relationship in exchange. Right now the atmosphere feels like he wants me to meet his demands or else -- i.e. see a counselor together (for his motives), so if I open up to let him speak his views on different things in our life in his skewed state of mind, I feel it will just come out as demands and a litany of complaints. I feel too protective of my childrens' needs to let him stomp around having his way about things that affect them. And as for those issues on which we've made agreements and I thought we had an understanding, he STILL won't let go of them -- it's a dead horse but he keeps riding it around to anyone who will listen sympathetically to his side of the story, because it's all he has. Take that away, suddenly the therapy / sponsor sessions aren't about everyone (me) who is screwing up his life, they're about what... him?

Anyone with wisdom, insight -- I just want to know if my perceptions are accurate. New to this, it is still easy, especially in conversation with him, to start to feel turned around and confused in my head, (though I did not let on last night).

If you got to the bottom of this, thanks for letting me share, I apologize for the length.

emp919