The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner and I are both in recovery and both have accumulated enough 24 hours to have a great life together. We both openly talked about what we would do if either relapsed and had always agreed that the person that relapsed would leave our home.
In July my partner relapsed and went missing for 48 hours. He came back, gave me his bank card, and all his money, spent some time at a family members house and immediately went back to the rooms. As this was a one time event in our relationship and he took the necessary steps to get back into recovery, I allowed him back into our home. Everything was great and we began the process of rebuilding trust and healing together.
In this last month, the little lies began to become very obvious. He would even lie when the truth would have been fine. Then he started showing up late to work and work would begin calling me, then came the 240 dollar cell phone bill. As an addict myself I recognized this behaviour immediately. I questioned him on it, and got the onslaught of guilt and blame from him.
Friday was the beginning of the end. After drinking two bottles of cough syrup and spending large amounts at the casino he picked me up from work completely under the influence (in MY car.) I asked him to let me drive but he wouldnt and drove away. Finally after his tirade of blaming and denying he was high, he took me home. Upon arriving home, I noticed our cat was missing. I let him pass out and spent all night and into the next morning looking for the cat. The next day my partner and I even went to the SPCA to report this. Finally when we got home to discuss things, he admitted that he had hid the cat at his Moms to make me worry. Then admitted that he was gambling but claimed I was wrong about him getting high. I called him on his behaviours; he became delusional stating I was kicking our pets and spouting things that didnt make sense.He then shoved me, and I asked him to leave. He left and later that night I found out from members of the fellowship that they had been at my house several times this week to assist him. They believed by their interactions with him that I was in danger. I sent him an email stating that he could not return to the home or speak to me until he had gone to detox and had cleared up.
The next day I had a member over for support, my partner came back to the home appearing high. He was delusional and started to state things that were not even happening. I kept firmly asking him to leave. He would not leave so I ended up having to call the police. He ended up taking his guitar to pawn and taking off before the police came. I made an incident report with the police and then let the police know that I would be packing his belongings and putting all his things into both spare rooms. I also stated that the locks would be changed that day. The police left and I immediately got the locks changed.
I changed my shifts at work so he would not know when I would be around. Yesterday he expected me to be working 4 to midnight instead he found me driving up to the house just as he was pulling out of the driveway (in his Mothers car). Once he saw me, he turned around and began to follow me. I called the police and they met me at a safe location.he then backed off. I made another incident report and the police have told him that he is not to be on the premises.
I spent all day yesterday and today packing his things, watching the house get emptier and looking at our joint life together being reduced to boxes and empty spaces in rooms. I feel like I am dieing inside. We had a good life together and so many happy times and in such a short time I am left in the ashes of his using. The bills, the disrespect, the abuse, and this terrible grieving. It feels like he is dead. I cant stand to be in our home not knowing when he will try to break in to pawn things. I dont know who this person is. He is never someone I thought I would be scared of. I sent him an email letting him know that his belongings were safe and the police would call him with a pick up time. I let him know that I love him very much but can not be held hostage by his lies and addiction. I let him know that when he chooses to recover, I will be there to support him emotionally but until then he can not be in my life.
I have great support and amazing people in the program but I fell like I am going insane. The grief is unbearable. I cant stand looking at my home, at the empty spaces. I miss him terribly and wonder when the police are going to call saying he has been found dead. (He is at his Mothers whom supplies her babies with all the drugs they need). I am so sad that I cant breathe.
Anyone else been through this? How did you cope? What did you do to stay sane? I am so lost and so full of grief and anger for what addiction does to people. What hurts the most is that he doesnt even resemble a human being right now. He wants to be home so he can have a drug flop house and a car to drive.not to mention things to pawn. I feel like I am going insane.
I've not been through this but I really think you should take care of yourself here...sounds like you are in a potentially threatening situation. have you considered moving and breaking all contact with him?
That is why the police are involved.The police need to assist with getting his things out first. He is the most amazing person sober, his using self is so scary it blind sighted me and I work with violent offenders for a living. I will have to look for other housing but that takes time and money. I am taking it one day at a time, doing what is in front of me, and have made arrangements to keep myself safe. This is so terrible. I never thought him and I would EVER be in this place. I feel so lost!
Been there also and there is no amount of quick fix to it either. I learned to allow my self to grieve and not do anything stupid so that I wouldn't have to feel it...I just felt it and felt it with others in support. You've been thru more than just having a partner exit the stage...the confusion, fear, anger, changes and the like are all a part of it. Hang around the people in the program and get to the Al-Anon face to face meetings where friends, partners, family and associates of alcoholics and addicts come together and support each other. In support (((((hugs)))))
Thank you Jerry...I really appreciate the support. Hugs back at you.. Thanks for the reminder that I can't do anything stupid. If I ruin my sobriety then having him leave our home would have been pointless.....so worried he is going to die. He is drinking cough syrup, doing Dexedrine, Heroine, cocaine, hairspray...basically anything he can snort, shoot, or shove up his ass..its so so terrible.
Audrey as long as it has been, I will never forget that horrible stomach hurting grief. I had my hand on my stomach all the time, cried all the time. Broken hearts are so real they can kill people.
I lost my home too so was homeless living in a tiny cold room on the end of my barn. Could not eat, barely ate, canned enchiladas for some reason, gushers, and cooked rotissurey chicken. I was not a vegan then. I went down in weight big time.
I would go beg money off him. He was a contractor working drunk or high or whatever. hands me twenty. He abandoned all our bills, me, animals....I was so heart broken. We had been so in love, after forty years together or not we were always R and D.Had a son.
Would hold a pillow on my tummy, would go do errands, people would ask if I was ok. I have shared I would say I have a broken heart. all understood.
My mother had just died too. awful time, so I do feel for you so much.Are you getting to Al Anon face to face meetings? There are ones online here too, the chat room is great for easing the lonliness. oh and someone stole my three year old basset and my favorite pot pig died from breast cancer like my mother did. u g
You know the process of the disease, sounds like he is very, very sick. i know it is scarey for you to see it. We do know we must leave them alone, they have to get so sick they figure it out.
We have to work on us, keep ourselves alive. If you can, for me, I think of the basics, drink good water, eat only healthy foods, move your body, meaning walks even if it is only for a few minutes, exercise does help. I would watch funny movies, read The Far Side. I said the serenity prayer over and over, said everything is ok over and over.
Woke up crying, moved slow. Thank goodness it was spring break and I made it so I had a month off work so I could heal some. I allowed myself the luxury to be online as much as I wanted. Spent HOURS in the chat room. still have my best friend from then so many many years ago.
I remember nothing feeling good. Was rare to feel anything good. MY life was very physically hard Audrey I had so many animals we had rescued on our sanctuary to take care of, and it was winter.
Had huge trucks of feed and hay coming in I had to pack into the barn. Animals to feed and care for, water, feed, vet work, fences. Worked full time teaching sp.ed. Had to drag water in, had no plumbing.
Everything was hard. No washer dryer hook up anymore. I had to rent my house out on the property so not to lose my home.
My home was fourteen by fourteen or so. My queen bed, and double recliner I dragged home those cheap carpet pieces from walmart. had to store all my beautiful things. About everything got ruined from being in the barn. All my pictures and paintings etc.
just stuff. I did learn not to care much about stuff anymore.
Had this tiny heater, those ones that are about four inches by four inches. dragged an extension cord over to plug things into.
In other words some days, lots of them, i fell into bed in my cloths.
grieving my husband who was my pea in our pod, and my best friend/confidant, budi, my mother.
ug. It gets easier in time with work. sometimes it feels like it is worse. it takes as long as it does. I would think about his disease and him were nice and warm at his mommies house with all the needs and wants he could have.
HIs brother was disgusted with him. I was so sick I didn't think to ask his brother for advice.
I cried so much my face was always swollen. sigh.
sound familiar?
Now geez eight or so years later, I am in my home, divorced the hated disease, do not love him at all, feel zero. placed all the animals who were rescues into forever homes. Just have mine now, most are very old.
I had to learn to shoot my own very dire animals, bury them. that was awful, still is. I lost my sensitivity, lost my innocense as far as love. Love hurts as far as I am concerned. But I work hard at letting my body and heart heal naturally as I live a healthy life. Am there again audry.
Am going thru some serious health bolony, fun of getting older. But I can tell you from experience, you will feel better as you keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do what you love even if it feels like cardboard right now. I would plant a flower, always drag in flowers into the house. Even when I didn't seem to care, still do.
I love raising dogs, puppies. I raised three back then when I got back into my house. Had at least three or more huge ones in that one room, and a cat or two, my parrot....
raised an English Bulldog, Basset and a Great Pyr. lovem.
I gave the bulldog away she kept attacking the llamas and all. but basset and pyr are seven now and I adore them,even though Sauvy my pyr smells like a skunk and Tavish my basst is stubborn, sorta stinky and surfs counters.
I like me, love my home and animals. still get depressed but I KNOW it will get better.
This sounds familiar, I am left with so much and all I can do is what is in front of me. Thank you for the good advice. I haven't been eating or sleeping and I work in a safety sensitive position. I need to keep it together for the sake of my sobriety and the good life I worked so damn hard to build and will continue to have with or without him. This pain does feel like dieing and I can relate to holding my stomach all the time. It's hard to look at our pets and to be left in this huge house with his belongings compacted into two rooms. The day the police come to remove it is gonna be so terrible. I dont think I can be there to watch everything go out the door..remnants of our life together.
I have walked in your shoes...my huband did alot of those things, pawned everything he could get his hands on.
He will not get clean and stay clean until he is good and ready and here is one sad fact of addiction some never do.
My husband lost his battle to addiction...it has been 3 years since he passed now...You are in my prayers.
Greiving takes time and we all do it in our own way....even though he is still alive he is not the man you know and i know how this is eating you alive inside.
All you can do now is save yourself. You are in the right place please please keep coming back.
I am so grateful to hear you have a strong recovery program and you have a huge network of reliable friends you can lean on. This is what I love about AA and Al-Anon.
My sponsor has taught me often that when things are getting really tough, it's time to get to as many meetings as possible and keep surrounding myself with my extended recovery ohana (family). That means meetings after the meeting - if I'm invited to join my friends, I should go... and if I'm home and feeling lonely, it's time to pick up the phone and call my sponsor or another program member. It's even completely suitable to simply ask for some company. The thing is I don't have to go through anything alone. The support is there.
I think right now your grief is extremely raw and open and the best thing for yourself is to keep in touch OFTEN with your loved ones and that includes your AA family.
Don't worry yourself too much right now about the next step. Just take it day by day and ask ask ask for help when you need it.
Hi and thank you for your post...I am glad you are here :) You sound like such a strong person with alot of solid recovery behind you. I have not been in your situation but I understand the grieving you are feeling with watching someone so engulfed in their addiction. Please continue to take care of yourself..blessings and prayers your way!!
(((Baby))) What you are going through is terrible, but you are using the tools you have learned and are moving on. Good for you! Everybody has given you good advice so I won't add any. I just wanted you to know that I hope the best for you and I hope you keep coming back. Peace.
Sorry for what you are going through. My son ( an addict ) also uses cough surup with dexametasone ( spelling) in it to get high. Well it not only gets them high it put them into a delusional, hallucinatory state. I have lived with this for years. Also they have no memory of where they've been, what they have done or said. It is highly dangerous and deadly taken in large amounts. They do absolutly insane things while they are on this drug. My son has never been violent in fact he is the exact opposite he is totally vulnerable to the point he could be mugged or killed or hit by a on coming car which in his mind may look like the mother ship coming to take him home. This even though it is over the counter ( and I don't know why ) a drug in which is becoming epidemic across the country as we speak. My son has OD'd 3 times in a 4 month period the last time showing signs of mini stroke and sezuries ( he is 21). They had to do a brain scan to see if there was any brain damage. He has no memory of ever being taken to the hospital, only realizes he is there when he starts to sober up. Thankfully he has never gotten his drivers liscence or ever tried to steal one of our cars because I am sure he would have hurt people. He was on probation for possesion ( which is when he turned to cold medicine since it is not illegal and he knew how many hours it would take to clear his system to when he would have to test it would be clean or a false positive. About a year ago we sat him down and explained he could no longer live with us if he continued to use...he has no money, no job, no friends etc. we told him we would be taking him to a shleter if his choice was to get high. At the time he agreed to everything we said and understood the consequenses. That being said he soon went out and got high. We were devestaed to say the least but we had to follow the boundary we had set up. I went about packing up his belongings crying my eyes out, while my son followed me around begging for just one more chance. We could not back down so I had to tell him over and over again No more chances. By law I had to inform his probation officer that our son would no longer be residing in our home and we were taking him to a shelter. The PO advised us to keep him there and he would come by and pick him up. They did come and take my son into custody for probation violation. That was last Nov, he was placed in the jail rehab unit and will be getting out this Nov. Again we remind him coming home is not an option. We have set him up to go to a sober living facility and that is a far as we will go now to help him. It will be up to him after that to take respondsibilty for his own actions without the safety net of our home. I will tell you I grieve everyday. I grieve for the wonderful young man he was not the person we no longer knew anymore. I don't know when the grieving stops to be honest. Some days are better than others and when I find myself feeling grief I try and put a time limit on it ..say 15 minutes, then i get busy and get my mind off of it. Thats the best I can do right now. Let yourself grieve it is only normal but after a while try and put a time limit on it then move on. Wishing you the best of luck Blessings
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. I have brief moments of being okay today. I have a job where I deal with vulnerable persons...they are my saving grace. For 8 hours I can focus on giving them the best of myself, and connecting with human beings that want the help. It's once I go home and see all the empty space where his things were. and the bed we slept in. then I look at all of his things compacted into two little rooms..and I feel crushed.
Sounds to me like you are feeling all your feelings and they are so absolutely normal. You are undergoing a lot right now. Make sure you take good care of you. Its great that you have the abiltity to help others who want your help but make sure "you" are taking care of you just as you would care for someone else who would be going through a terrible loss. You have my sincere sorrow for your loss and the pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you move forward and build a better tommorrow for you.
