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How do I support my husband as he starts his recovery? I have to admit, I'm a little frustrated it had to come to this. He needs me and I am lost. My entire life has changed overnight. He deserves the best!
Glad you have reached out to us. Also it is good that your husband has started his recovery. That is just the first step and some alcholics never take that step.
Being married to an alcoholic can be frustrating and it affects us in ways we would never imagine.
The way you support your husband is by attending some Alanon meetings yourself and seeing what the program has to offer. Also, letting him work his program with other alcoholics will help him more than us spouses ever could.
We get to concentrate on ourselves and work on ourselves, because we will find that we have neglected ourselves and the alcoholic has taken up a lot of that time.
Please keep coming back and share with us whats going on, hope we can offer our experiences and hope wtih you. luv, Bettina
Hi and thank you for your post. The best thing you can do is get your own recovery you too deserve the best also:) Let him work his recovery and find your own...It is amazing how we lose ourselves living with active addiction, the focus is all on the addicted person and we take a back seat..so glad you are here and welcome. Getting to some face to face meetings would also probably be of much value to you as well. :) hope to hear more from you in the future...thank u and its good to hear you !!
Thank you Bettina! I really did not want to go to any meetings, but if it will help me and him at the same time, well I guess I have to get over it and go. Grrrrr!! Will it help with my complete frustration????? And when do I say (probably never) that I want to take care of me first!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Dreamxl - I never felt like I needed a meeting... but all I keep hearing is go to a meeting. I really don't want to go..... but even though I really feel that it is not a problem I created, it is a problem I live with now everyday!!
My husband is in recovery with AA and me with Alanon for 2 & half months. When I first started going to Alanon, I was really confused and didn't know why I had to go to meetings but slowly I started to understand the needs and I am every so gratfeul.
You've got great responses from Bettina and DreamXL. What they said are true which I didn't know at first!
Please try meetings. I was scared at my first meeting because I didn't know what to expect but I kept going back and realized that it works for me and I can honestly say I am in much better place than before I joined Alanon.
Hi and welcome , for me the best support for thier efforts at sobriety is to have my own program and learn how to mind my own business , the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too , we had a part in the mess and by attending al anon and changing my attitude I can be part of the solution . Sobreity is not the answer to all of our problems but it sure helps get the focus back on yourself get your life back on track and leave him to AA they will take care of him and let Al-Anon help you . Find f2f meetings for yourself some areas have AA and Al-Anon at the same time same place thats something you can do together ,the drive back home can be a oportunity to talk .. I was told by a councelor who was also a recovering alcoholic ,that an alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea , then he told me that I was the old idea-go figure= Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 17th of September 2010 01:18:49 AM
You have already taken the first step you are here. keep coming back...try and remember one thing he is on his own with his recovery as you are with yours.
He is your addiction....get yourself to some local face to face alanon meeting if you can if not we are here for you. We have meetings twice a day and there are some truely remarkable people here.
We have been there and we are better for the teachings we learn in alanon. May god look over both of you.
Hi Sammy, and welcome, there will be lots to work through, many steps forward and back, lots of problems to resolve and much to learn and unlearn, for me i cannot be the person i was before my husband found his sobriety, we all have to change to make sobriety true, the solutions are here on mip, they take time and effort, but the miracles happen when you work the programme, by sharing our journey the ups and downs, we learn a new and better way, we didn't get like this over night, so just take it steady one step one day at a time, xxxxxxxx
My AH of 22 years just accepted this summer that he is an A. He is in recovery now and has 2-1/2 months of sobriety. I congratulate you for trying to think of ways to support him. When my AH first went into treatment, that wasn't a question I was asking because I was mad enough to spit bullets -- well, more like deeply deeply hurt and betrayed by his lies while he was an active A.
What everyone else said is true, the best way to "support him" is to focus on your own recovery. Alcoholism has devastating effects on family members. If you don't address some of those issues yourself, they will fester inside you. That is what Al Anon is about, focusing on you and helping you become the best, most peaceful and happy person you can be.
Alanon, the literature and this board are a life saver for those who know an alcoholic (the qualifier). The biggest thing you can do to help him is to help yourself. Take care of you!
I can only add and stress what others have said that you start attending meetings for yourself and find your own recovery. And I can hear your mind saying right now "why do I need recovery, I'm no the sick one". That is certainly what I thought when I first walked thru the doors of alanon Truth was I was as sick if not sicker than my son who is an addict. My behaviors were out of control and everything i had tried wether he was using or sober was wrong wrong wrong. Did I mention I handled everything wrong LOL. Kudos to your husband on his recovery Usually people who are in early recovery have to put almost all their focus on thier recovery, it has to come first and foremost so you may feel a little left out. And changing behaviors takes time so your husband may still exibit addictive behaviors until they learn new tools on coping with life without booze or drugs. It is a life long process. If you choose ( and I sure hope you do) to start your own recovery it will help you to learn new behviors and coping skills and for married couples personally I think it is vital that both parties do their own recovery so you both grow and learn together. You said your husband deserves the best..... guess what? So do YOU !!!!! I have read your replies about not really wanting to go to meetings...we've all been there. May I suggest you join us here online in our meeting room and we have meetings twice daily and stick your toe in and maybe after that it will give you the incentive to get to some face to face meetings. You have found a place full of love and support and where no one will judge any decisions that you make. So congrats on taking that first step Hope to see you come back soon Blessings
How do I support my husband as he starts his recovery? I have to admit, I'm a little frustrated it had to come to this. He needs me and I am lost. My entire life has changed overnight. He deserves the best!
get the focus back on yourself get your life back on track and leave him to AA they will take care of him and let Al-Anon help you .