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Well it's taken me some time to actually get the courage to write this. This might be a little long but this is the biggest problem I've ever had and I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. I'm 26 years old-single mother (been in the relationship off and on for over 2 years)- I've had problems with alcohol and pills in the past but I worked very hard on (and continue to) since I had my son a year ago. I say that so you know I understand alot of this mentality and I'm not judgemental.
I've been with my fiance for about 2 years now, I was actually going to leave him because he just doesn't seem able to pull it together and I want better for myself and my son..if I can do it, why can't he? Aren't we worth that much? (that's how I feel inside) The day before I planned to leave, I found out I was pregnant. I know we screwed up but there's nothing I can do about that now. Now I'm into my 4th month of pregnancy and things have been absolutely MISERABLE. Things have actually gotten worse than ever. I actually left and was going to try and go through with an abortion, but he begged me to come back and promised to quit drinking..We decided to move in with his parents so that we could save $$ and I could finish school- now right before school starts, he says I can't go back to school-even though that is the whole reason I left my job, moved out of our home, and the only condition that I would continue to be with him-if we both worked on bettering ourselves.
His father completes enables him to be a loser, to drink (even though he admits that his son has a problem). My fiance has been out of work for a while now and that was one of our biggest problems. He gets depressed and drinks more when he's not working and I get overwhelmed trying to cover all of the bills and sad because I never saw my son when I was working all of those extra hours. So, now we live with his mother & father and everythings been awful. He quit drinking for about a week and a half.
When he's drunk, he's mean, nasty, rude and has even laid a hand on me before. The next day, he's hungover and still mean,rude and nasty. He cannot handle alcohol (I don't think anyone really can, but he's terrible). Now he's totally depressed- he's so mean- he calls me names, we fight all the time, he doesn't respect that I'm pregnant at all. My hormones have been really bad so far, I'm having terrible anxiety these days and I literally cry everyday. I feel like I cannot breathe and I get so mad sometimes that I want to hit him. I can't handle this anymore and more than anything else, I worry about my son- I don't ever want him to witness us arguing and I think about the instant and long term effects our bad relationship will have on him. I ask him to please be patient, my hormones are awful-just please try and keep your cool if I snap at you..etc and it doesn't work. He loses it and says the nastiest things or takes off and leaves me alone with his parents. He doesn't help at all with the baby..doesn't change diapers,anything. It's the whole "caveman" thing, the woman cooks, cleans, raises kids, etc- except he doesn't work to provide! Our relationship is so unhealthy, he takes pleasure in my pain and frustration. He never trys to make anything easier, in fact, he adds so much stress to every situation. He wakes up miserable and doesn't want to get out of bed. I used to be able to talk to him and offer advice (ie. counseling, aa meetings, etc) but now he will literally laugh at me if I say anything like that. I don't have anywhere to go-the only family member I have left is my mother who used drugs my entire life and I don't want to be around her either. I am really scared to be a single mother of two. It's very hard to do it with just one child. I never planned on this and I feel very guilty but I can't focus on that now, I have to figure out what to do. I've been thinking about adoption but that scares me to death. If I go through with adoption, I'm still left with no where to go. I really need advice or understanding, anything. I am completely alone as I've cut off all of my old friends and the ones I have left, I cannot talk to about this.
Thank you for listening.
-- Edited by flgirl on Thursday 16th of September 2010 05:49:02 PM
Do they have agencies where you are. There are agencies for women who are abused who may have some resources for you. There may also be counselling agencies like the YWCA in your area. If you were registered for school they may also have social programs.
From what I've read I don't see much different from many an alcoholic who is in full blown relapse. Some of them can be very controlling, and incredibly difficult to live with. Al anon can certanly help you with the issues before you. Plenty of people on this board have found themselves between a rock and a hard place and inch by inch found their way to a better place.
First of all why not look at the book offered at the top of this page, Getting them Sober can really help you get a clear picture of what to expect from an alcoholic. I know when I first got here and people said that I was really annoyed because I felt the issues were all "his". I came to find over time that many of the issues with depression, anger, feeling stuck were mine irregardless of what the now ex A did.
One of the core issues for you is to not be isolated. Get a support system for yourself, get to an al anon meeting if you can. If you can't make one in face to face go to the virtual meetings here. That will give you a place to sound off, hear other people's journey and know there is hope and there certainly is recovery. In time you can learn the tools of the program ,see them in action and take steps to improve your life, whatever your A does your life can improve.
I'm not sure what your income situation is at the moment but if you don't have one there are state agencies who are obligated to help you. I know personally I became very very dependent on the now Ex A. I got so very depressed I could barely move let alone think. This board really helped me at that time. There is a chat room here that you can go to whenever you feel overwhelmed. You can feel less alone there.
I'm so glad you are here and reaching out for support, love and encouragement. You will certainly get a great deal of that here.
To the ones who wrote: Thank you so much for reading and responding, I had a hard time reaching out with this. It helped to actually write a small part of it out, I've been holding it all in for so long, sometimes it's hard to see things objectively or clearly.
Its only been a couple hours so I really haven't figured out what to do yet, but I did google and read some excerpts from the book "Getting Them Sober" and I've already read a lot of articles on codependency, I have to snap out of it and take control of my life- I see that I'm the only one that can make things better for my children and myself. I just really wish that I felt stronger right now. I feel so vulnerable, even typing this. I don't want to seem like a wimp or a weak woman, I just feel sad (among other feelings) about all of this and I need to get some of these emotions off my chest to people that might understand and not think all of this stuff is crazy.
I can't wait to look back on all of this, I just hope I can figure something out soon so I don't have to experience or feel this crap anymore.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I realized my partner was an alcoholic, and one who was not going to stop drinking any time soon, when I was pregnant too. I remember how upset and terrified I was. It's like gravity no longer works.
I was afraid I couldn't get along without my partner, either emotionally or just in the day-to-day logistics of money, support, childcare, etc.
It hasn't always been easy going it alone, as you know, but it was way easier than having the chaos, worry, lies, and insanity in my life. And actually I haven't been going it "alone," because detaching from the alcoholic meant I have energy to get a support system around me. I don't have any family left, but I rustled up a lot of other moms and helpers and things.
The emotional journey has been an eye-opener. I wish I had found out about Al-Anon sooner. I hope you can get to face-to-face meetings (they sometimes have childcare). A local support system is a wonderful thing. And it's so freeing to be able to talk about what you've been going through and have people who understand. Keep coming back here and read all the threads. I've learned so much from them.
Take care of yourself. That's the important thing. Then you can take care of your kids and find serenity. There have been many miracles on these boards.
Your story reminds me of mine. My AH was sober for years and then relapsed. During the worst of the relapse I found out I was pregnant. I already had a child from my first marriage (to an alcoholic), and the thought that I would be a single mother of 2 was completely overwhelming. I so totally understand where you're at.
I had to kick my AH out after I found out I was pregnant. I decided that I could not live in the environment with the chaos and drama anymore. For me, that was the right decision. I was able to take care of myself better physically and emotionally when I wasn't looking at active alcoholism right in front of my face. I wasn't at a point in my program yet where staying there and just detaching from the behavior was a possibility.
I hope that you will keep coming back. It's a very stressful situation you're in, but it isn't hopeless. There really are miracles all around these boards, and in the rooms of Alanon. I'm one of them, and it wasn't so long ago that I was where you are. My big kid is 9 now and my baby will be turning 1 next month.
Please hang in there - I pray that you will have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, and the courage to change the things you can.
I know there is tons of help for people from state agencies like social services. Is there a 211 infoline where you are? If you have access to a computer, you can google it and find tons of help. I had to find food banks in my area just recently and they were right there in the search engine. There are women's centers all over the country, you can google those too for your area. Alanon, the literature and this board are all so very helpful as well! I am a single mom, having been through two marriages, one where he cheated on me and one where I was abused. I am still a single mom, and though I do it with great difficulty, I do it. It can be done :) Where theres a will theres a way, and if its the right thing, everything will fall into place for you :) Try to concentrate on today only and not catastrophize about the future and project what you think might happen. Just for today, live in the moment and take care of you. Breathe. The calmer pregnancy you have, the better it is for the baby. HUGS!
You just took a huge step in starting your recovery of you choose to join our alanon family. We don't give advice ( but offer our own experiences, strenght and hope) except in cases of abuse. And here I will tell you that any man who lays his hands on a pregnant woman will not think twice about doing the same if you aren't pregnant. Just as addiction is a progessive disease so is abuse so right now I fear for you and your children and urge you to look into social services ( womens shelters etc) as a way out if that is what you choose. Honestly I didn't hear you say anything about what if anything your b/f contributes to the relationship, not even remorse for his actions so definitly understand why you would want to move on. On the subject of your pregnancy and what decisions you should make. First of all remember you don't have to make any decisions today. You have time to pray and do some soul searching as to what would be best for you and your baby. I had a very good friend who was in your exact situation...she was a single mom of 1 and had left her addict b/f only to find herself pregnant. She also was a recovering addict. I can tell you she did not know if she could take care of another child as she was barely making ends meet with just her and her daughter. She took her time...she prayed for guidance ( and listened to what her HP was telling her), she did a lot of soul searching and when she was sure and ready decided to give the baby up for adoption. She felt it was the most loving thing she could do for her baby. She found a wonderful family who were unable to have children of their own, she spent a lot of time getting to know the parents and in the end chose them to adopt her child. I stood by her side as she handed her son over to his adoptive parents and tears flowed all around. The results were perfectly positive, it was an open adoption and she was and is informed of all her sons experiences. Now I am not saying that this may be the right thing for you. My message here was she took her time prayed for guidnace and then acted on the path she felt her HP was telling her to go. It may be very different for you so thats why I tell you to take your time and explore all your options. I hope you find Alanon meetings in your area or join us here in our meeting room, we have meetings her online twice a day. But I urge you to find meetings and start working the program. I promise if you work the program the program will work for you. I wish you all the best as you start your recovery Blessings
I just wanted to thank you all for your support. My son and I are leaving on Tuesday (I'm not telling him until right before we go, when my Aunt is here to pick us up). I've made plans to stay with my Aunt and do this pregnancy on my own. This was ultimately not the decision I wanted to make, it was the option I didn't want to have to opt for, but it is definitely the right thing to do. His drinking has not improved, it's been awful-even as I type this at 11:30 pm, he's out drunk and I'm once again alone. I noticed today that I was having great difficulty staying focused on my son and playing with him because I was worrying about my alcoholic fiance. My little guy could sense this and was doing all sorts of things for my attention..it broke my heart! My son shouldn't have to fight for my attention at the age of one! I'm really nervous because I know it won't be easy leaving, the first couple weeks are going to be awful but I'm trying to plan to have whatever supportive people I can find to be there for me.
Thank you soo very much for opening your arms for me at a time when I needed it the most. Your replies have given me strength and hope. Sometimes the smallest things we do for others means the world to them-it did this time.
