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I thought I hit "submit post" but I am not sure if I did it right so forgive me if this is already somewhere on the board. I read another post by a member regarding dry drunks (quoted below) and wanted to post my own current situation...
LIGHTBULB wrote:
My husband is a dry drunk - he used to be such a happy man - now he went thru depression which I didnt know was a sympthom of alcoholism - learning so much here - but I feel he just blames so much on me - gets so angry at me when I questioned it and told me to leave him alone that he is sick of me - Oh boy so much fun here LOL - mean mean man - saw him through all those drinking years and boy now the real him comes out - seems to me he is treating me like his Dad treated his wife - mean man too - but my husband used to be so much in love with me so much - always holding hands and kisses when he left and came home and it just stopped - been working on myself in alanon TG for that - but still in the pit of my stomack his being so resentful and mean to me - walks in and is nice to his neighbors and the nicest man in the world to everyone else but then walks in the door and can change in an second - miserable miserable man trying to make the rest of us miserable too - but I am working my program and hope to get myself better. Just wondering if anyone else was going thru the same with a dry drunk - safety in numbers like they say! Thanks
Hi, I'm new to the board. This is what my husband has been like for the past month+. I really related to this post. He had 7-8 years sobriety, then a series of relapses over the past two or three years. Got sober last October, so almost a year of sobriety but in the past few years, during the relapses, he has become an "angry" drunk, which is different from the way he used to go about it (shame to the point of suicidal inclinations, low self-worth, etc). But then the anger started in the last couple of years. Saying he "hated me" for the first time ever in our 18 year relationship, threatening to leave. His sponsor told him to get counseling for his anger shortly before he got sober.
He was a terror on two family vacations before he stopped drinking last year. Then he has been in counseling but it seems the counseling has only made his anger worse, as though something about it only further justifies him feeling like he has a right to hold all this anger against me, fault-finding for anything he can think of in our lives, telling me that unless I change, nothing will change between us. Proxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: max-age=0
is a master at presentation, very eloquent and convincing to persuade whatever audience he happens to be addressing (counselor, sponsors, my relatives, etc.) Which makes it really hard, for instance, for any of my family members to believe what they hear when I tell them what life is really like. They end up thinking I am being too hard on him or what have I done to provoke him.
About a month ago, I was on our computer flipping through photos of our children. I found that he had downloaded pics from his cell phone and was delighted to see all these pictures of the kids I'd never seen (since they're on his phone). Suddenly in the middle of those, a bunch of photos of himself, taken in our bathroom in the mirror with his phone, on Valentine's night, 2009. Serious shots, smiling shots. I thought, how bizarre. I cautiously brought it up with him, prefacing it by saying I'm sure there is some reasonable explanation but for my peace of mind I need to understand what the photos were for. He had no explanation and claimed he could not even remember taking them; then he started yelling and swearing and calling me paranoid and angry about how I "never trust him."
Since that time, a month ago, he has been completely withholding any and all affection, has at times been emotionally and verbally abusive and cruel toward me in front of our children, puffed up arrogance and selfishness, spending hundreds of dollars on himself, etc. After three weeks or so of this, I finally shared some of this with another Ala-non member who leads the local meetings (wish I'd done it sooner, but at first it was confusing; slowly building to look like behavior of a drinker but without the alcohol). She told me exactly what to do. So I did it last Saturday. In loving detachment, I told him I wanted him to be aware that I knew he was not being completely honest with me, himself or others. He was livid. Flipped me off and swearing, started yelling, looked at me as if to say, "this isn't how we play! you're not playing the game!" He said, "You think you're so high and mighty." I told him no, just informed. When he started getting louder, I quietly held up my hand to him and said I was not going to engage. Stayed calm, got the kids a snack. He went upstairs, packed a bag, muttered something about his "skeletons in his closet"; I maintained my calm. He was gone two days, no contact. Came back this past Monday afternoon, acting remorseful, said he was sorry he left, said he was "sorry for hurting me" (very vague) and seemed glad to just be home again.
I did not act hurt or overly glad to see him or angry; I told him that I was going to focus on myself; that in the days he was gone it was like a fog lifted and I realized my part in maintaining the dysfunction in our life, but the time apart also helped me reclaim missing pieces of myself, and I'm going to build on that. I was going to work my part. Right now he seems befuddled, like "this isn't working the way it usually does, I don't get it". But he is still detached; I am trying to focus as much as possible on myself, though it is hard to get used to not receiving his normal affectionate approach.
Something tells me he did not have any "big revelations" in the two days he was gone or come clean about anything yet; just missed us and missed his cozy home, got tired of the fast food and poor sleep. He keeps looking at me like he is trying to read me; I think he doesn't know how to work the new dynamic. So I'm going to keep it up and see what happens. He has been barking at me for the past year about how he is the one doing the "work" and that I am the one "who needs to change", and seemingly getting confirmation from his sponsor or counselor (who only hear his side of things) that he is right in this view. It seems there was a message in that message; and I am the one who has needed to change, but not in the way(s) he was proposing. So I am changing, with support and prayer and awareness. Even worst case scenario, at least the energy I invest in my own wellness will be well worth it.
Thank you; I'm learning. I just never realized how I played into the game and how key my (unwitting) cooperation was to making the game work for him. Now that I'm not playing anymore, our chances for real recovery, independently and/or together, are much better. This feels like unfamiliar turf for me, but interestingly, when he stormed out Saturday night, I did not get a lump in my throat or feel panicky; I felt calm and centered and actually thought to myself, "Wow, I still have all my energy left." Because I had not divested my energy into his sickness (which never paid off anyway). A new (and welcome) occurrence for me.
Hello and welcome - I am glad your attending Al-Anon and reaching out to members to share whats going on - I would like to suggest u dont tell your family what is going on talk to program people they understand , family dosent and the last thing u need is to have them think your the one with the problem . Yeah we have a part in the mess but it sounds like your gettting a handle on that one so as u say keep doin what your doing it s a win win situation for you, you end up happy regardless of what he is doing . Letting go and staying out of thier stuff is hard I know but u will feel so much better about yourself when u can detach from his behavior and leave the anger with him where it belongs . we both have to change our behavior not just the alcoholic for now keep it simple do the * opposite* to what u have always done and it has to work out differently, if you normally fight back - don't . If you normally sit and listen to a rant about what a terrible person you are , speak up and say enough no one has to listen to that crap .. he has already made up his mind that he is right so no point in trying to explain yourself or justify your behavior . When we learn to detach and not react the alcoholic is threatened and knows that they are loosing control , ,my husb didnt know what to do with the new me . A couple of awsome argument stoppers are YOU could be right and walk away. or I am sorry u feel that way and walk away the secret is to walk away this argument is over . You have a right to say how u feel in any situation it was suggested to me to use I words not YOU words , I love the saying what u mean , mean what u say , but dont be mean when u say it .and remember nothing u say will cause him to drink stopping the egg shell walk takes time but when u truly understand that you are not powerful enough to make any one drink or stop it gets much easier . regardless of what he says you are not the reason he drinks. Keep the focus on yourself and your own needs get to as many meetings as u can and you will be just fine . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 16th of September 2010 01:15:14 PM
Your on your way to finding out things about yourself and how we can react in new ways and how it will make our lives a whole lot better. Living with an Alcoholic is no picnic, but our lives can become serene and peaceful, even in the midst of chaos.
Like Louise said, glad that your attending face to face meetings, keep it up.
One thing we must learn is to not check up on the alcoholic, try to figure out how much he is drinking or confront him about his personal stuff. It just inflames the situation. I have a saying "stay in your own lane."
Keep coming back and participate on the boards and you will see the miracles. Luv, Bettina
I think it takes great courage to make a pardigm shift like the one you have. I have stopped second guessing any alcoholic I know. I have really no idea what is going on with them. My expectations are on a very different plane as a result of this. I have also ceased all willingness to be dumped upon which is a huge huge move for me. I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself, reaching out for support and detaching.
