The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I get where I take almost everyone and everything people do personally. I know that I am the one with the problem, because there is no way that everyone could be that bad. I don't really understand what is going on, but everything offends me. I don't like being this way. I also start feeling like I am stupid, that people don't like me, and that I could have stepped on other people's shoes and offended them without me knowing that I did. I think that people are mad at me and are not saying anything. I go to a church and I have days where I think they don't want me there. I go to college and am the oldest person in the class and I think, you don' t belong here. Sometimes it gets so bad that I think I don't deserve to have my children or anything positive. I am just wondering if there is anyone out there who does the same thing or did the same thing and how they got through it. I am not even sure where this comes from, I just know that I do it just about every month, and I'm tired of just pushing it down and hoping it will go away, only to have it return. There is a history of abuse with me and also history with alchoholics and addicts. My AH is not speaking to me again. He wanted to babysit our daughter while I go to school and I told him no. Our anniversary was Tues, have not heard from him in almost a week. I could have texted him and constructed some kind of interaction with him but I thought why bother. I still had some expectations that he might take the initiative and call me or send a card, although these expectations were not as large as they have been in the past. Sometimes I am afraid that he will take out his anger and frustration on me. He has been married twice before me, with kids. Both of his exs have done the same thing as I have and left with the kids. He lives in the past a whole lot, and has blamed me for things that were entirely not my fault. Just projecting a lot and my mind is almost paranoid thinking about what he might do, as I break free from his control. I don't think that he would really do anything on his own, but I have done this before when I left bad relationships. Just wondering if there is a name for it. Just trying to put a name to all these crazy feelings and emotions. Thanks for listening.
Not sure if there is a name for it, but I do this as well. I don't think there was a time in my life that I was truly happy. There were days and moments of happiness, but when I feel happy, I feel guilty. I have to fight my depression daily and almost every single day I relapse into it and have to crawl back out. I know that if I am under a lot of stress, if I don't get enough sleep or eat well that the depression is all the more powerful, along with panic attacks for no reason and general anxiety. My brain never stops worrying or thinking about my abf and if he doesn't answer his cell phone, look out! There is inner dialog all the time about everything, feeling like people are mad at me, don't like me, don't think I belong somewhere etc. What I have done to work on that is tons of therapy with a personal therapist, alanon and alanon literature, this lovely board and talking to a trusted friend. I too had a childhood layered with sexual abuse, alcoholics and abandonment. I fear being alone... There was something in COurage to Change that helped everytime. I could look up a topic and find a great reading on it. A big thing with me is figuring out exactly what I am feeling, because for most of my life I had no idea what I was feeling. When I can sit down and figure that out, I can look it up in the book Courage to Change, or another alanon book and get something out of one of the many readings. Or I come on here and hash out my feelings in a post.... Sometimes writing it down helps. I journal a lot too. I am learning to meditate, but its hard to do when your brain won't shut up. Take care of you, just for today :)
Theres a name for it, its called being beat up from the disease of alcoholism. Its called "stinkin thinkin", its called concentrating more on the alcoholic then working on a program for yourself. Its difficult to overcome old habits, but in order to feel better about ourselves , we must! If we are involved or live with an A, we have to be armed with knowledge and be consciously aware of working Alanon everyday, even if that means just reading one piece of Alanon material that day.
Kath, I dont know if you have a sponsor, but if you could try and get one , she or he would help you work the steps. The steps are the key to our recovery.
I kind of think that life itself is an upward struggle everyday. Thats not even including the A, there are days peppered with joy and some not so joyous days. We can uproot and turn all our obstacles and difficulties by owning them and taking it one day at a time. Not forgetting our faith or HP to help us thru and of course the tools of Alanon. By continully looking and pointing the finger at the alcoholic who cant be the source of all our happiness, we are missing out and cutting our self short for our own growth.
Keep coming back!! Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 16th of September 2010 02:17:38 PM
Hi Kath ,there is a line in our literature that says most of us are wayyy to sensetive for our own good . Not everything is about us lack of self esteem and self worth holds us back and we never quite seem to * fit *anywhere today I believe I * fit * anywhere I choose to be , that took awhile hehe. Please remember that your dealing with an practicing alcoholic unpredictable dosent quite cover thier behavior. Cudos for you attending college keep busy and better yourself so that u can become self sufficient . Bloom where your planted comes to mind .. I believe you are grieving , the loss of a relationship takes time to heal but u will heal we grieve what could have been , should have been but isn't. When we start to take care of ourselves not everyone appreciates the changes we make but that is thier problem . God dosent make junk Kath your worthy of all the good stuff life has to offer . Keep going to meetings you dont have to do this alone anymore u need support from people who have been where your at.share how your feeling with them its the only way they can help . Some one told me along time ago to expect nothing and i will never be dissapointed ,that seemed a little harsh to me at the time but have found it to be true and when someone does recipicate a kindness i may have shown them its a bonus . expectations are pre - meditated resentments I am literally setting myself up for dissapointment .. THIS TOO SHALL PASS no where does it say it came to stay . You will never go thru the same thing at the same time with the same people again , it will pass. Louise
Boundaries are pretty tricky stuff. There is the internal boundary and the external boundary. I know when I get to thinking and comparing my life to other people's now I am on dangerous ground. After a lot of practice I can get to "oh oh" I dont want to go down that road.
I worked with someone recently who kept referring to himself as the youngest person there. I'm not sure there is any real issue with who is younger, older or whatever anymore. I can certainly "go" there too but I decide not to. I stop that thinking when I see it start up.
So there are the external boundaries which you certainly have practiced with your A and now some internal boundaries to start up marking out. There are also certain situations which are no doubt very difficult.
For some of us there is indeed a huge vacumn when we let go of the A. He/She was our entire life now we are left with ourselves and support systems take time to assemble. An active A can completely submerge us and when we come up for A we are like Rumpelstilsin " What is this".....
I'm so glad you are able to articulate these issues. Naming is one of the first steps to getting to another place. If you don't know what's wrong you can't change it. There is no need to beat yourself up over it. Indeed I don't think there is anything wrong with being sensitive at all as it means you are certainly feeling rather than numb. We just have to manage our sensitivity rather than have it manage us. Remember in al anon we practice "how important is this". That is indeed a tricky tool to get a hold of. For me everything was crucial and I had a catastrophe every day. Now I can to some extent go along with life's issues. There are certainly resentments there and there are absolutely people who I would be very very happy to never see the likes of again. I can navigate those waters now without feeling I am a fraud, loser and a victim.
Practice not perfection. You are on the right road.
Thank you so very much. You guys hit it on the head when saying I am grieving the loss and the vacumm of letting go. I will make an effort to mange this sensitivity with the help of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God.
When a human being is put under constant stress from all kinds of things, death, loss, abuse, starvation from food or love etc. the chemicals in our bodies tend to get stuck.
We keep putting out those kinds of chems, losing our balance of ups and downs and just plain ok serenity.
I think I shared with you when I used to think bad things about me, I said,"stop" in my head and put in I am ok just how I am. I NEVER say bad things about me. if I do, I know i am sick.
There is nothing wrong with choosing to see the positive in ourselves. When we feel good, then we do our best with the less than perfect. change what we can and leave the rest .
I could go on and on about getting older, the awful changes etc. But I am feeling better slowly and focusing on the good about me.
I know the wanting A to love us so bad, just send a card or do something nice. They can't, won't, if they do what does the disease want, speaking of A's not on program.
haha yea I was older than most all my professors. I know that feeling. That is hard to be in college as an older student.
One thing I did was ask the others questions, just to get things going. usually I ended up with a group of us. We would meet and help each other.
I do know that one is hard. Don't let anything stop you there hon,day at a time. It will be worth it, if only knowing you did it.
for me I get tired and will feel that sorta bolony. sO I tell myself, oh I am tired.
sorry arthritis is really bad here. so my caps etc can be sketchy.
Even though our A is A, they are also someone we love very much, who used to show us love. We MISS that love! It is perfectly natural. It took me a long time to really face, he is not going to give to me no matter what.
Your A has a natural pattern of him. Mine does too. Mine picks women he can live off of and control. His disease has no qualms about sucking people dry, lieing.
I was with him when he was on program for years. Was so cool. Normal. normal not always getting along, just normal love relationship. I was spoiled. Felt so good to be a wife, and have a husband. I never really did before. My first died at 27. We were still kids.
Up until this year, I was hanging onto a thread. going to see him in prison, felony dui, to see if he was in there, in that body at all. going to the mailbox hoping I would get a letter. Nothing, not ever. Not after going to see him for months. he had NO appreciation of me, none. All he could think about was going back to the host woman he parasites off of. He does not love her. He does not love anyone or anything.
when I was sure he was not in there at all, I got the divorce. done. all he cared about was his stupid pick up that he gave his son the year before and forgot he did. That was the last straw, last thing I said to him. Wish I had said it better, not use profanity. "you care more about that f ing truck than your son." that was that.
I feel nothing for him. I pay my life insurance "on him" each month. That is all I have to do with him. sad after loving him from age 17 to 56. Letting so many nice men go becuz i as waiting for him.
Wow sorry. lol I do go on. So I KNOW where you are. I KNOW you can keep going hon, seen ya.
If you can I hope you can find things you can do with your girls and keep smiling. Even if you don't feel like it, maybe you can take them on little adventures. Kids need those memories. My kids and I loved the day trips we took. Those things can lighten things up.
Leave that homework if you have to. Or take it with you. Come here and stay a few nights, ride my horses, play with the pigs. I am in oregon, there is an ocean, lakes, rivers, great places to hike with waterfalls not an hour away. so many free things that kids love. My kids love the fish hatcheries.
I am sure your area has neat things too.
It will be ok, you are tired. Naps are great. (c: love,debilyn
Yep I am prone to taking things personally too, I very often forget that I am not god and think that I am responsible for everything and anything, I have learned here too that I am not though, and I have to practice really hard, only being responsible for the things that are mine to deal with, and own.
Alcholism loves an audience and people just like me who love to rush in and help without a thought for ourselves, I have noticed that with practice only being responsible for myself halves my load and frees my mind, to take care of me, it's nice to know we are worth so much more, and that we can have good days regardless of what anyone else is saying or doing
hugs.. it's called being co-dependant, growing up in a disfunctional family, hence why wer are attracted to disfunction, as it's all we know.
you can retrain your thinking.. it takes a while, and practice, and contant self talk, but you can do it.. pretty soon you too will. I've learned a lot through some al-anon literature as well as "co-dependant no more" really hit home, with my whole thought process.. and mostly how I have the power to change that thought process. in time, peace will come
