The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This subject came up in an earlier post and another respected MIP fellow and I discussed it. That part of communications which is body language. I may have gotten all I needed from inside the rooms of Al-Anon but 5 years into program I also chose to go to college regarding the disease and topices on body language as a higher form of communications always came up. Some said that it was 57% of all communications and others said more. What I was taught was that body language was more telling than verbal communication and more trust and truthful. It caused me to investigate thru my own experiences with this disease that I was born and raised into and the lessons were valuable.
I learned that letting body language tell me what was going on with a person was often a survivor tool for me. When my parents were angry for whatever reason I was gonna pay somehow, someway so without a word being said I started protecting myself. I got ready to duck or run. As I grew older I found that I could read what was going on in my friends and relatives and made the choice to jump in to fix and counsel them. I became good at it and they sought me out and I started giving my life away to others before I even learned to do with it for myself. Of course I forgot to and stopped asking them if they wanted my help...I read the body language and just assumed they would take my fixing...I created a habit this way with a compulsion for doing it.
I became as good at reading body language as any alcoholic or addict is and let me tell you they are good at it as a survival tool. They read body language faster and more right on than if we were large print on a very white sheet of paper. They can read the creases in the corner of your eyes or the one at the side of our mouth. They can read the wrinkle between the eyes and which way I bite my lip whether I am angry or inquisitive or just mildly impatient. What are your signs? They are easy to read and give us away.
Whatever the signs are the tool is what do I want to do with them. I learned in Al-Anon a very best slogan..."Don't React!!". I use to read the sign and jump in right away and then listen to the verbal communication and use that to firmly attach myself to the problem. My Alcoholic needs fixing!! She looks drunk and angry and shes telling me it isn't what I assume it to be or it looks like and she's reading my body language trying to get me a story and explanation that will relax the creases and cause my face to relax and my shoulders to go down and my voice volume to drop. I'm reading like mad and she's reading even more mad and it's insane...until I trust her body language and make a better decision on what if ever I want to be involved in.
Body language is as old a communication system as creation. It's how animals communicate a lot of the time and we do it without even thinking about doing it. I read body language all the time...It's a habit and I use to be paid to use it as a tool. What has changed is my compulsion to react into it. Today I have the choice to do nothing or...make just an awareness response...or make the response and ask if they need support...or go on with what I'm doing and letting God continue to do God's work with them. Body language always will be...in me; in them. It is the greatest source of truthful communications. The mouth can lie and the body never does. Trust it and learn to respond...not react to it.
On the light side I use to have clients that thought I could read their minds and I would laugh out loud when they accused me of that...really. I would tell them no one could read minds and if I could it would like be reading a scifi novel. Their bodies would tell me everything I wanted to work with.
Several months ago a member of Al-Anon asked me on the phone if I has ever considered that my body language could be sending the wrong signals to the alcoholic in my life. He stated that alcoholics are experts at reading body language. That was something that had never crossed my mind. I didn't "study-up" on the subject but but I made a decision that day that I would put 100% effort into changing and being aware of what I might be saying without saying anything. The "little things", or so I thought, like stopping what I was doing and giving my A my undivided attention when we were in conversation with each other. Maintain eye contact with a pleasant look on my face instead of no expression at all as she was conversing with me. Leaning toward her instead of away from her. If she had an opinion I agreed with I started telling her I agreed with her instead of remaining silent and assuming she knew I agreed with her. etc.
The guilt that comes with being an alcoholic is a burden they have to bear without me adding to that burden with a body language that might show of lack of concern are consideration without me realizing. I stated earlier that these were "little things" that required very little effort on my part. I was dead wrong, they were not "little things" at all. I soon realized that I didn't have to "not react" as much, and saw a marked difference in communication between us.
We are told in Al-Anon that "we have a part in this". I found out to my surprise that my poor body language was playing a big part in "this". I'm thankful I was asked the question because it was something I had never considered, and I can honestly say it continues to pay its rewards.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 15th of September 2010 06:07:14 PM
Very interesting Jerry.....and the line about "don't react" reminded me of a dearly departed alanon friend who left me with many pearls of wisdom. ONe of which was "Don't just do something....Stand there!!!"
This is really really interesting and made me think. Thank you so much for sharing - I am going to spend some time thinking about how body language has affected my life. What you wrote about knowing whether your parents were angry before they spoke really resonated with me.
I am sure without a shadow of a doubt that body language played a huge part in my life in allowing an abuser to find me and do what was done to me. I am not saying its my fault, but I believe that child molesters can tell which child will be easy to prey on. And as an adult I seem to have that same "message" resonating from me, because I am always the person on the street that the "crazy" people will talk to. I have been becoming more and more aware of that. I have been doing some changes that are working. With my abf, I know he is the master of reading my body language, because even when I don't want to engage with him because I found out he had been drinking or whatever, he knows by my body language that I am pissed at him. He can discern from just the way I am standing that I am mad. Maybe I can do this too, as I seem to be able to pick up on people's moods VERY quickly.... WOW Jerry, This has been great food for thought.... I am going to concentrate on what I am putting out there and work on making sure I am not giving away too much information :)
Yeah, it was so amazing. I could read the ex's body language like a book but somehow didn't think she could do the same????
At any time that she had a beer in her hand practically NEVER would the words coming out of my mouth say anything close to what my body was telling her.
ex wife: What is wrong with you?
David's mouth: Nothing dear. Glad you are home sweetie David's body: It's about damn time you got home, where have you been. And why the hell are you drinking another damn beer when you know how much I hate it!!!
No wonder she left!!!
Thanks for the great reminder. Not only do I need to think about the words coming out of my mouth, but I need to pay attention to what my body is saying too!
Seriously I could have written those very words. I never thought about it before but I too was/am an expert at reading body language and am always at the ready when I saw something or someone who needed "fixing" without them ever saying a word. Man, that was a really awesome post .... it not only gives me pause for thought but a new lesson I must learn. Thanks for the insight Blessings
My mentors also taught me that when I can bring my thoughts, what I said, how I acted it out and my feelings, into alignment with my value system that I would reach that place of congruency or alignment, being true to myself, in balance and in truth. It's a heady place to be...sooo peaceful. Great responses. (((hugs)))
